Stuff nobody likes

A little bit of self doubt is creepin in…So I put a towel underneath the door. But I was readin an article on the blogger turned author of “Stuff White People Like” and I said to myself (in my chopped and screwed voice) “self, ar-are you just doing the same-same as that white kid is doing?” My satire is based on news events and his is based on what he observed…Am I just a broke man’s “Stuff White People Like”? He got a book deal outta it in like 6 weeks. I’ve been doin this forever and still don’t have a TV show. Then I remembered who gives a fuck. I don’t need to go commercial to validate my worth because it’s easier to validate when it’s worth nothing! Lol. And as a gift to you for reading this far, I present the best super duo ever created.

Good bye Blago...whatever the hell and hello Quinn!

Roddy B is out and Gov. Patrick Quinn is in. I for one am totally happy that Illinois has a governor whose name I can pronounce. We already got a Swarchenegger, don’t need any more long ass multi-syllabic (oh yea, big word day) names. But you know Ronny still kinda won. He did get a chance to appoint someone to the Senate and who knows what coulda been discussed between Rod B and….Ron B? I see. The government thinks it can trick us but as the world’s next freedom fighter (’32 The Tenant, sorry Asante), I promise to shed light on the dark corners of not just our government but the world!!! I’m bringin back snitching!!! Start Snitching, the movement. Coming to a government near you! Anyways, don’t know anything bout this Quinn fellow, but I give him a year and a half before he playin politics “Chi town” style.

Murder-suicide in Ohio

This must be the new fad for the ’09. For those that haven’t heard, a family of four was found dead in Ohio. Murder-suicide. Since when is death a better option than life? I mean I never been to Heaven and it sounds nice from the travel brochures I find in every hotel I stay in, but I have a LOT of things to get done before I depart this earth. Such as, do lines of coke off a silicone titty before I have a threesome. Or push an Italian exotic to the limits in a school zone. Slap box former President White Devil with plastered gauze wrapped around my hands (hahahahaha, that’s why you got yo ass whupped senor alcoholic drink). And what’s worse is that they take the whole family with them. What kinda sick shit is that? If mommy came into my room right now talkin bout she lost her job and she bout to kill us all, I’d be like “YOU lost your job, not me. I got shit to do in the morning, so keep it quiet.” Seriously, give the kids to next of kin or something. You kill them because you know you’re a coward and you don’t want them to remember their dad as the coward who killed himself instead of lookin in the wanted ads. Rob a bank for cryin out loud…then tell the media the other option was a “murder-suicide” that why we can show sympathy. “Hey, he may have robbed the bank and shot two cops, but at least he didn’t kill himself and his whole family. He’s an alright guy.” Is it illegal to assist in a “murder-suicide”? Hey man, it’s a recession; I’m tryin to make money anyway possible. Lol. I would be the ‘murder-suicide’ assistant that also robbed the home after I was done. GRIMEY.

The new shoe monument

Sculptor Laith al-Amiri unveiled a fiberglass and copper version of the shoe thrown at former President White Devil last month at the Tikrit Orphanage complex. The kids at the orphanage are ones displaced due to the war in Iraq. The forgotten causalities of war. I mean how many orphanages has the U.S. opened up since the war started? And when these kids grown up, they gonna be bent. All they know of the U.S. is that we killed their family. Imagine the day when Iraq decides to bite us back in the ass. People keep talkin bout we can’t judge the former President’s legacy until we see the status of Iraq in a decade or so and see the impact of the democracy. I already know what’s gonna happen in this forced democratic state. The kids are gonna grow up, all educated and financially smart, but still angry. So they may not Taliban our asses, but will figure out how to put us into a form of economic slavery. And trust, it will happen. Maybe not 10 years. More like 40-50 years when we hit another Recession (unless if the Federal Reserve is destroyed by then). But by then I’ll already be married to my Saudi princess and have diplomatic immunity, suckas!!! I know I talked that freedom fightin shit, but at the end of the day, I gotta get paid! Neo coulda robbed banks all day and fuck bitches all night…but nahhhh, he had to set people free. And what happened? He lost his love, he lost his sight, and he lost his life. Hahahahaha. I’m stupid.

Kim Kardashian thinks Jessica Simpson looks beautiful

I like it when big girls rally together to support. Seriously Kim, shut the fuck up, you were border line till you got the lipo and what not. Jessica is not thick like you are. And it’s not like we callin her obese. We are just makin notes about Jess. Note that her arms are fat, her back is fat, and her sides are fat. She is fat. Thick girls are “fat” (which is a popular misconception) only at the breasts, legs, and ass so Jess is not thick for a white girl. She is not a Unicorn but more like a white donkey (dumb as one too). Girls that are the real definition of thick don’t even have fat, it’s muscle. Think of the Williams sisters….scratch that, don’t think of them above the waist. I don’t want you blamin me for nightmares and shit. Side note, did anyone see Serena get her ankles broke two nights ago by Dementieva? That shit was like an And 1 mixtape. If anyone can find video of it, please email it to therantisdue at gmail.com. Thanks

Angelina Jolie has a Japanese butt

I’ve never seen an ass look so bony and terrible in my life. Angie Angie Angie. You know you’re my favorite. Why would you come out lookin like this?

Someone please explain what is goin on with her ass? I know she doesn’t really have one to begin with, but this looks disturbing. Is she tryin to smuggle Japanese twins out of an orphanage again?

Paris Hilton is cold, NSFW

Those things look like they could cut diamonds. And I don’t know why I posted these pics. I guess because I’m wrappin up for the week and didn’t really feel like doin any celebrity bashing. See ya next week!

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!
I’m the best blogger alive…fuck what white people like, EVERYONE likes a rant.

Let's end this month right

You ever take a shit that smelled so bad, you forget that it came from your rotten ass? You think to yourself, “damn, someone fucked up the bathroom. Oh wait, that was me.” One time I took a shit that was so foul, I woke up 5 mins later. Yeah, that’s nasty.

USPS needs help

Dear Former Administration,
You have fucked over the country in ways I don’t even think you had envisioned. I mean, you knew that there were gonna be some losses, but you couldn’t have seen the United State Postal Service losing so much business that they might cut down deliveries to just 5 days a week. Damn. Everybody is hurtin. I wish I had an actual office to go to, I would kiss my boss and CEO everyday I went into work. Just to say ‘Thank you for keeping my ass around.’ Does anyone have money? I swear if Google says they are gonna cut down on the storage space for Gmail due to the recession…someone get the address to that ranch in Texas.

I don't wanna be Army tough

Dear Former Administration,
You have fucked over the country in ways I don’t even think you had envisioned. I mean, you knew that there were gonna be some losses, but you couldn’t have seen the Army reporting 128 suicides last year, a new record. It’s sad to think that these guys died for their country, one way or the other, under false pretenses. And I usually don’t feel for suicide victims, but I understand that these guys are under some stress that I pray I don’t ever deal with. Friends dying, killing children, feelin hopeless, missing the family…it sounds like an endless heartache for them. THEN, here’s the kicker, then they come home thinkin they all done and have put in their time…when BAM, they get another tour. Niggas don’t even be home for a year and they get sent back out to all that stress. Goodness.

If the Girl Scouts can't sell cookies, what will they sell?

Dear Former Administration,
You have fucked over the country in ways I don’t even think you had envisioned. I mean, you knew that there were gonna be some losses, but you couldn’t have seen the Girl Scouts cuttin back on the amount of cookies per package due to rising costs in transportation and the cost in baking the cookies. Is there a single person that isn’t being affected by the recession? Girl Scouts can’t even make enough cookies anymore. I never had a Girl Scout cookie and now I feel like my chances are slipping away. Soon the Girls Scouts will be sellin another type of cookie just to get by. This isn’t the Philippines and I’m not interested in how good their ‘Yum Yum’ is.

Obama does it again

I don’t usually fuck with Mrs. Brown, but I rock with her on this. First the Raytheon lobbyist, now a Goldman Sachs? I’m like 2 more lobbyists from sayin “fuck this nigga.” I knew he was a politician but this is gettin to be too much to stomach. At least hire these lobbyist 3 months apart. Let me digest the hypocrisy in our government before shovin another helping down my throat.

G.I. Joe posters

I’m kinda hyped for the G.I. Joe movie that comes out during my month this year, but the director isn’t someone who I think would do it justice. Why couldn’t they get Woo, or Bay to do this film? And what’s with the all black costumes? That shit is wack. I want some green fatigues like in the cartoon. And this no name cast is kinda worrisome. Oh well, enjoy the posters.

Andy Samberg has a British sister

Doesn’t Amy Wine-O look like Andy with tits? And a cracked out look? I’m tellin ya, they family.

AnnaLynne McCord at the Afro Samurai premiere

I don’t understand why she can’t find cuter people to hang with. Her sister’s chicken cutlet is fallin out her dress. And her friend isn’t cute. At all. And the straight hair makes AnnaLynn look much older than she is. She is gonna have to step it up if she wants to keep makin appearance on the Rant.

Ashley Scott should change her name is Ass-ley

Ashley Scott is doin somethin I think all hot girls should do, and that’s rock lingerie out. I mean look at this shit. And she looks like she got a mean tramp stamp…I likey.

Rosario Dawson's old Esquire photos

Rosario Dawson is really hit or miss with me. In her Esquire outtakes, she really has me on the fence. What do ya’ll think?

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

The Rant should be a Ponzi scheme

I don’t feel sorry for people that lost money in Ponzi schemes. Half of these people had REAL money and could have made REAL investments if they talked to REAL advisors instead of listening to friends or associates. And I don’t feel sorry for those who invested their ENTIRE savings or their children’s college funds. Because you don’t have to be a smart investor to know you never put all your eggs in one basket. DIVERSIFY YOUR BONDS NIGGA! Enjoy the rest of the rant.

Joe Biden apologizes

Friends can’t make jokes anymore? Seriously, all Joe said was "My memory is not as good as Justice Roberts, Chief Justice Roberts," when he asked for a copy of the oath when swearing in senior officials for the House. The guy messed up, everyone knows it, so you get clowned. Isn’t that what friends do? Are they not friends? Even if you aren’t friends, public figures get clowned all the time. So who cares? Is Justice Roberts that sensitive? Fuck, everyone is always politically correct.

Caylee Anthony dolls

Doesn’t Nancy Grace look like she’d use her teeth just to spite you? No bueno. Anyways. I expect this kinda shit from a no name toy company in Florida. If they wanted to make First Daughter dolls too, do the damn thing. But anyways, I find it funny there is an outrage to sell a Caylee doll, but not for 2 black girls. Like sellin black daughters is the thing to do. Like this is the early 1800s. Just kiddin, sometimes playin the race card is funny. Stop selling ANY dolls in ANY likeness of ANY child, dead or alive. The shit is extremely tacky and cheap and senseless and uncreative.

Man murders family

Here we go again. Only difference (and surprise) is that the man was black. And he wasn’t laid off. Both he and his wife were both fired from Keiser Permanente, a medical center. Dude killed his wife, and all 5 of his kids. I mean what the fuck is that all about man? I wonder if there was some shit that went down because this just isn’t a typical murder-suicide scenario. They black, they were fired, and I ran outta options, so I’ma circle back to them bein black. Black people don’t do suicide, and we don’t murder our whole fam. Not usually. Anyways, damn recession.

Terrell Owens reality show

Ain’t this some shit? I thought the NFL was the “Terrell Owens’ show” since his 2nd year in the league. What were we watchin this whole time? The extended trailer? T.O. is my favorite football athlete, but jeez, I don’t wanna watch him live his life. You know how some people have their personas and act one way at work and another way at home? I think T.O. is the same person day in and day out. Work or home. Big ego, keeps his slave physique in top shape, knows he’s better than most people type of nigga. And it’s cool with me, just don’t wanna have it as an option for other people to tune into. Of course it’s gonna be on VH1. And he’ll have some company. Mike Irving is also getting his own reality show, but the details haven’t been ironed out.

NAIAS '09: Ford Accord, or is it the Honda Taurus?

Welcome back Taurus. I have a soft spot for this car since it’s the car my dad owned until I crashed it. My problem with it and the new VW CC is they look like other cars. The CC looks like an Accord from the front and the side and tails off like a CLS. And the back looks like a Hyundai. No bueno. The Taurus on the other hand looks like has eyes like a Honda reject, but everythin else looks good. But the toys they added with it quickly make me realize that this isn’t daddy’s Taurus. “Under the hood, it’ll have a carryover 250-horsepower 3.5-liter V6. Ford’s EcoBoost turbocharged 355-horsepower 3.5-liter V6 will also be available, but not initially. Buyers will be impressed by the options list, which includes massaging seats, push-button starting, adaptive cruise control, forward collision warning, blind-spot warning and cross traffic alert.” (MSN auto). Kinda excited for it.

NAIAS '09:Sex On Wheels

I didn’t know where to throw in the new Audi R8. But the rims are dead sexy. I’ll throw in some Lam-bimbos and a few other rides.

NAIAS '09:"Red" line

So let me get this straight. We been borrowing heavy from the Chinese. The Chinese own $1 for every $10 of American debt. AND they are makin cars? And Communism is a bad idea? Hmmmm. Lol. I’m not tryin to get ‘red flagged’ but seriously, I’m the type of person that says what may not work for me, may work for you so I can’t knock it. That’s how I feel about Communism. It won’t work for the greedy muthafuckin Americans, but for those “humble” Chinese, it’s the meal ticket. Now I know people are gonna blah blah blah about the millions of poor people in China…like America doesn’t have millions of poor people. ANYWAYS. Brilliance Auto and BYD are two big boys in China that are workin with American dealerships to start sellin their cars stateside. Makes you realllly wonder…is Communism gonna have the last laugh? Not really according to the guys on Top Gear. The point they made was that every car made by Communism was a piece of shit. But these cars don’t look like the ones that came outta cold Russia.

NAIAS '09:Last of a dying breed

Anyone that knows me knows that I would sell my step daughter for an SLR McLaren (hmmmm, maybe that’s how I’ll stick it to Frenchie). Mercedes is making the last of them this year, with the last one to leave the lot in ’10. Sad, pure sadness. And Mercedes decided to finish off with an ultra rare (75 being built, only being sold to current SLR owners that don’t live in the U.S.) SLR McLaren Stirling Moss Edition. There is some heritage behind this one of course, the namesake “legendary British racer Stirling Moss, who in 1955 set a speed record by driving an equally legendary Mercedes 300 SLR to victory in the Italian Mille Miglia, a thousand-mile cross-country race so grueling and dangerous that it was banned after a fatal crash in 1957 that killed two participants and 11 spectators.” (MSN autos). Ah fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck. Keep the SM edition; will someone PLEASE get me the regular version of the SLR? But this one is a beauty too, no doubt, I just don’t wanna get attached.

Playboy should sponsor a Lingerie Bowl

The Lingerie Bowl is bein cancelled this year. I’ve never seen it. What channel did they show it on? But the reason why it’s bein cancelled has to be the funniest shit I’ve heard in a min. This year’s sponsor is a nudist colony and when they realized HOW MUCH clothes the girls would be wearing, they pulled out (pun intended). It’s a Lingerie Bowl, not nude football, what did the colony expect? And why didn’t the designers of the lingerie just make them skimpier? This issue doesn’t sound like an issue at all but just idiots running the show.

Rejected PETA Super Bowl Ad

All I want to know is: What was the girl with the pumpkin planning on doin with it? Whoa. NBC said it was too sexy. Glad it is was rejected; I want my girls to continue to love meat.

Tracy Morgan's son plays for the Lakers

Please don’t hate me if I’m extremely late on this, but doesn’t Andrew Bynum look like Tracy Morgan? It wouldn’t surprise me knowin Morgan. He prolly has a dozen bastard kids runnin around the country.