Friday, February 27, 2009

Adios!

Finally, the last day in February. Tune in Monday when I resume making fun of black people and post white women on my site!
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Pimpin Curly isn't pimpin

Pimpin Curly is back…but seems to be lackin. I think 50 is losin his funny…damn he’s screwed. Can’t rap, can’t act. Maybe now he’ll fade away….never.
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Hate groups increase


I knew we shouldn’t have elected Barack. Now the world is going to be less safe for Afro-Americans. If white people don’t like it here, why don’t they go back to where they came from? The level of ignorance is just nauseating. The leader of the KKK is Don Black. Why didn’t he just change his name to Don White? Since that’s all he wears anyways. I can’t wait till he meets his black relatives because everyone born in the south is related one way or the other. And I’m pretty sure one of his great-great-great grandpappys slept with a slave and out came the black Blacks and the white Blacks. You ever have one of those days when you’re just not in the mood for anyone’s shit? Today is that day and I wish Don ‘white’ Black would say somethin slick in my direction.
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Holly and Criss disappear!

Criss Angel and Holly Madison are dunished. Looks like Holly didn’t want to devote her time to bein in Vegas while she was tryin to get her career poppin off. I don’t know what career she speaks of since the only thing she was good for was being Hef’s bunny. Is she planning on goin back to school to get her doctorates in Hoeology? I’m not a Criss Angel fan (or any “magician” for that matter) but Criss is listed to be 49 years old. Look at the picture down below. Maybe he is a magician cuz the boy doesn’t look like he hit puberty yet! And for good measure I decided to add a bitch with a plan. Her is Kendra (soon to be married to a sucker, I mean, football player) livin it up like a bottom bitch is supposed to! Kudos to Kendra.
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John Mayer is lame

Ryan Seacrest is a sneaky dude…or Jen thinks she is the Queen B in Hollywood. Mayer (yea, Jen’s boo) called in to pretty much discuss his relationship with Jen on air with Ryan. I don’t want to get into the details because they weren’t juicy tidbits like “Jen loves when I tickle her with the feathers” or “she rocks these killer 9 inch heels”. It was more along the lines of a loser boy musician gushin over his girlfriend. Which is cool, if you’re a loser boy musician or if the woman you gush over is your wife. I guess Aniston and Seacrest have had the last laugh in the fight against Brange (I reaaaalllly didn’t wanna start callin them that, but it really is easier than just typin out both their names. Don’t hate me. Please?). However my money is still on the Hollywood power couple. They’ll prolly go to N. Korea tomorrow and get rid of Kim and liberate the entire country, then come back to the States and get rid of the deficit, all before Pax and Maddox get home from school. EAT THAT Maniston (is that what they’re called? I’m so new to this. Maniston, lmao, that’s funny).

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I wish I saw Pam like this more often

Any day Pam Anderson is dressing her age and not like a Hooker in Hollywood is a good day for EVERYONE, especially her kids. Kudos to her…except for the fact that her lips look like they ran into Chris Brown’s fist.
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Katy Perry doesn't get it still

Doesn’t Katy Perry get it? The reason she was hot was because she was sellin sex (kissin girls and what not), so why is it every time I see her she looks like her wicked sister dressed her? “I’ll get Katy for being more popular than me in high school, let’s see her get any attention in this hideous outfit!” The smiley faces? Really? Is she auditioning for a children’s play? I hope not the way she’s grabbin her crotch.
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I don't go GaGa for this Lady

I didn’t know Lady GaGa was a real celebrity so I’ve never posted her. Now that you see how ugly she is, I’ll never post her again.
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Aubrey O'Day is the new old Pam Anderson

If Pam Anderson was the lady she is now, 20+ years ago, she would Aubrey O’Day…ouch. Well at least Aubrey doesn’t have a sex tape out…yet.
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Kim Kardashian keeps it classy

Kim Kardashian shouldn’t have made that sex tape and released it. She would be on top of the world right now if she had stepped into the light in a classier manner. She’s so hot!
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I feel sorry for Cindy's kids

Cindy has that smug look like “I’m still hotter than half the bitches you got on your site.” And she’s damn right…she’s damn right.
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Halle brings closure

Halle Berry to wrap up Black History Month. Whoo Hooo!!!


The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!
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Thursday, February 26, 2009

You are not alone...I am here with you. Though we're far apart...

So it appears the condo in Brasil I will be stayin will have Wi-Fi and American outlets, which most likely means I’ll bring my laptop and just give ya’ll updates and stuff. Which is good because I had to get rid of those lazy bums that were subletting. It’s so hard to find good help these days.
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Where? Mike Jones. Where? Mike Jone


I only posted this Mike Jones joint because I need to know if his stomach has been stapled? Why is he freakishly skinny? The bald-fade haircut doesn’t help his look either. Is Ice Age his label or his diet because the pounds just melted away.
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Pass The A1

I have caved in…

See exactly why I don’t fuck with ‘The Boss’? Who makes a response that is 8 minutes long? I didn’t even watch it all, I just kept skippin forward to see if he would switch it up. He in the staircase of a building. Like how is that funny or baller? How is that ‘Boss’? All he says is ‘munn-key’ this and ‘munn-key’ that. Super lame. He needs to hire a cartoonist from the New York Post and make some real monkey jokes. And say what you want about the Vitamin Water but that deal has to be one of the best moves any black man has made since…I don’t know, someone help me here. Pepsi buying out the company put like $150 milli in 50’s pockets not to mention the other revenue he gets by havin his name on the drink. That’s ‘Boss’.
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Foreplay - it's not just for women

Do girls not enjoy foreplay? No no, I know they enjoy it when they are the center of attention but do they really think sex is all about them? Does the common stereotype that guys are always thinkin about sex (which is true) make them believe they can take the backseat when it’s time to get hot and bothered? I think only about 2 girls have found my “spots”…that’s because the rest of them are just sittin back and enjoying the performance. It’s very annoyin. Some girls won’t even grab the dick until you put their hand on it. Like she doesn’t know that he is the main star of the show. No star performs without some prep first, so what makes this situation any different? Because I’m a guy and I’m “always ready to have sex?” Nonsense. I can see why some guys cheat or jump from girl to girl. I’m not excusing cheating guys or anything, because I’d never wife up a chick that sucked at seduction. But that’s me, I’m not the desperate type and I don’t “need” someone in my life to feel complete. Ladies you gotta do something. Strip tease, ride well, give great head, talk dirty, SOMETHING! You don’t have to do ALL the things I listed, that would make you a whore (I kid, I kid, I kid. Your guy loves you for it). But then again I am a special case…my mind has been ruined by porn. I need heels, stockings, and a public place lmao.
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Barack's lofty goals

Obama has set the bar high for himself with the expectations Americans can expect from his Administration. Things like halving the deficit before he’s done come to mind. As well as the alternative energy sources and the revamping of the education system. At first I was gonna be like “nigga, please. You can’t get all of that done. Why set yourself up to fall on your face and have the Republicans say ‘I told you so’?” Then I realized somethin important. If there is one person in America who I would want to set the bar high for himself, it IS the President. Why wouldn’t I want an ambitious President? Why wouldn’t I want a President that calls out a country to better itself? I want a President that makes his country shoot for the moon, so that even if we fall short we’ll be among the stars (real cheesy I know, sue me). I guess my problem is the fact that most Americans are idiots and take everything that is said at face value. If the deficit is cut down by 49.9999% they won’t be happy because it’s not exactly half. I just hope that they don’t write him off as a failure because he falls shy of hittin his goals. He wasn’t given the country under ideal circumstances you know. And if he does turn this country around…oh boy. White people will elect black people for everything (that’s non sports related!!!).
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Gov. "Bobby" isn't stylin on them

Candy Cane ties only look good on white skin my nigga. Fire his speech writer AND stylist.
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Cops still beating people...still


White cops are bad, black cops are worse. Because with a white cop you can just label them as being a racist, ok, end of discussion. But what the fuck is wrong with a black cop that they would beat down on another person (especially a black one at that)? A black person beating someone in public is the equivalent of a Jew tryin to wipe out a race…what the fuck is wrong with you? Your ancestors are lookin down on you like “what are you thinkin?” People like that shouldn’t be allowed to exist. What’s even worse and scarier is that without the video tape, the dude was gonna be put away for 15 years!!! When will a cop’s word be equivalent to a citizen’s? Fuckin pigs.
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Turkey's don't fly anyways


Another plane has crashed…and at this rate I think I’ma walk to Brazil. Of the 134 people in the plane, 9 died and 50 were injured (with 25 having serious injuries). Like what the fuck man. And the experts are sayin a lot of people are walkin away from plane crashes. Tell that to the people in the Buffalo crash couple weeks ago. Experts say as long as the plane doesn’t burst into flames, you have a higher chance of walkin away. I say as long as the plane stay in the air when it needs to and doesn’t fuck up on the land, I’ll walk away 100% of the time. Do we need to just shut down air traffic for a week (could you imagine the HELL that would occur?) and take the pilots back to school for a brief update or brush up on their skills? This isn’t a good feelin at all.
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Demaris Meyer sues Morgan Freeman

Remember last summer when Morgan Freeman got into that scary car accident? Well it turns out the mystery lady he was with is now suing him. I love America. She wants him to pay for her injuries and tell people that she’s not “the other woman” and the reason Morgan is divorcing his wife. First off bitch, how you gonna sue someone for gettin into a car accident? She claims that he was drinkin, alright then why didn’t you drive you simple bitch? It was HER car that they got into an accident with. Some dumb old ’97 Maxima which really pisses me off because Maxima’s are great cars so I’m wonderin what the fuck was goin on that homeboy rolled into a ditch. Did they check the bitch’s mouth for semen at the scene? And she ain’t even that hot to be suing anybody. And she talkin bout she had memory loss and can’t work no more. But she sure as hell remembered who drove her and what he was drinkin!! Oh, and where were the two going so “high” off life? Back to Freeman’s spot because he said she could stay in the guest house. How is she not the other woman? At my place there is the regular house and the guest house. My regular woman sleeps with me in the regular house. My other women sleep with me in the guest house. SMH at you, she devil.
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Brad and Ang anger the idiots


This is the type of journalism we have at the New York Post? I knew it was bad in the cartoon department but sheesh, I didn’t know everyone else there was ignorant. I’m gonna defend Brad and Ang on this because I like them. I think they are one of the best Hollywood actors and couples out there. I want them to be smug, I don’t want them to answer stupid questions about “What Jennifer [Aniston] is wearing” or about who designed their outfits. They don’t want their words to be taken and misconstrued for the tabloids to run with. I’m glad they’ve turned into “Mr. and Mrs. Ordinary” (kinda ironic, they are ordinary yet smug and put up on a pedestal? Good observation fatty (lol, that was mean but I’m annoyed) ) because they have 6 kids and they need to set a good example for them. They don’t need to be makin out on the red carpet or kissin siblings or any of the crazy things Angie used to do (thank you Brad for taming her lol). But leave it to lame journalist who can’t properly do their jobs to get upset when Brad and Ang don’t give us much to talk about…and they still talk about them. I wasn’t gonna boycott the NY Post over the monkey shit, but I think I may be crossin that bridge now.
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More fertalization for Nadya Suleman

Vivid entertainment has made a $1 milli offer to Nadya Suleman to make a porno. Would I watch it…hmmm. That’s a real tough one. Because she doesn’t really look like she’s anything special outside of a close resemblance to Angie (“Womb Raider” anyone? Hahahahaha, can’t take credit for that one http://dlisted.com/node/30876). She would have to do somethin. It would have to be a MILF special or a gangbang…I mean she should be used to havin so much sperm in her anyways. Some people might disapprove if she takes the offer but I’m pretty sure EVERYONE will disapprove if she continues to cheat the system with welfare and disability checks. At least we get to see her plastic tits.
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Kim Kardashian works on her fitness

Kim Kardashian and boo Reggie Bush, just finish workin out…no it won’t be on tape soon pervs. Even without the makeup she still looks decent.
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Marisa Miller - sans makeup

Marisa Miller because even supermodels have to check their pits every once in a while. And for some reason she doesn’t appear too boyish…maybe it’s the lack of makeup?
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I wish this month would end

I went to Essence magazine’s website to find a photo gallery of black women but after seein 5 galleries on “hairstyles” I gave up.


The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!
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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I'm now a homeless shelter

I hired some extra help with the Rant. Believe it or not, they aren’t Mexicans from the Home Depot…those boys don’t even show up anymore. Nope, I found these bums on the steps of Wall St. talkin bout they’ll do anythin. So here we have The Slumlord and The Squatter. And Rupert Murdoch apologized, but I don’t care enough to give it its own post. I’ll only be gone for a week and a half…so bear with them.
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The Punjab of Louisiana


I figured it out! These Republicans are soooo sneaky sometimes. Just because America has accepted “Slumdog Millionaire” as one of the best movies of 2008, they figure we’d accept our very own slumdog! “Bobby” Jindal is the governor of Louisiana and he doesn’t want any Federal Aid from the stimulus package due to the unforeseen repercussions it could have down the road. Whoa whoa whoa. Unforeseen repercussions? How bout the FORESEEN repercussions of NOT taking it? Louisiana isn’t really the hotbed of America right now. Nobody is givin up their jobs to move down there for some Gumbo and nice tits every February/March. I mean the music may be great, but it ain’t THAT great. This is why I love Republicans…they just make it easy for me to do my job. Look at this irony…when we had a Republican president, he wouldn’t send any aid down there. Now they got a Republican governor and he won’t accept any aid. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I suggest the people of Louisiana…wait a second. How did Jindal get appointed? If he was voted in, well I guess the citizens get what they voted for. Republicans don’t care for the poor because most of them haven’t been poor in a long time…if ever.
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Mardi Gras shooting

Speakin of the lovely Mardi Gras, several people were wounded from gun fire today including an infant. When people don’t have any real jobs or any legal money to make, this is the type of dumb shit that happens. So yes governor, forego saving the jobs in your state. Allow your citizens to hit the very bottom. Then they can wipe themselves out and…oh boy, I’ma save that for the next post. Now I’m not sayin that givin money to niggas is gonna stop them from actin like niggas, but at least they won’t be shootin each other. They’ll be doin other typical niggas with money type shit…such as creating video blogs about how they can’t fill their jets with gas (I’m LOOKING AT YOU DIDDY!!!)
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The real reason not to accept help

Let me find out that these south Republican governors don’t want the money so that their citizens can suffer to the point that they either kill themselves or the governors can spin it and make Obama look like the bad guy. Either way, they’ll keep their red states red. I see right through you lames and I hope your people do too! I hear that a lot of mayors under these Republican idiots don’t agree and want to find out if there is a way for them to skip the middle man and still get some Federal help. See mayors have to look their people in the eyes every day, so it’s harder for them to pass on helpin them out. These Republican governors? They live in a nice mansion away from the pesky commoners.
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9 year old weds


Why are people still dyin from Leukemia? This is like the saddest shit I’ve seen in a minute. I couldn’t imagine at my age of ?? knowin I only have a few weeks to live. I have so much left to accomplish. Now, this 9 year old has to put on a brave face for all her loved ones. I’d have McCain use the word “nigger” to describe Martin Luther King everyday for the rest of his life if it meant saving this little girl.
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Video promotes rape


Leave it to Japan to be on the next big thing lol. Alright, the game is NOT COOL. I mean, I plan on gettin it just to see how twisted it is, but I’ma twisted person. I would never suggest any child playing the game. I can’t even believe someone OK’d this. Then again, this comes from a country where they used to sell “used” girl’s (not women) underwear in vending machines. Those Japs are PERVS!!! I can’t believe that someone OK’d this…so unreal. Like wow. I’m just waitin for the other shoe to drop cuz you know the next game to come from this company is either gonna be “Cracka Killas” in which you get to Kamikaze into U.S. landmarks or “Noose-a-Nigga” and I don’t think I have to explain how that game works…Hmmm “Noose-a-Nigga” sounds like my next iPhone App!
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Man dies enroute to Buffalo

In an attempt to head off further effects of the recession, the city of Buffalo has started murdering citizens before they can enter the city and sink it into a further hole. Okay, okay, bad joke. But I'm from Buffalo so I get a pass, and besides until The Tenant cuts me a check from the click revenue I'm legally not responible for my actions. But seriously, how crazy is it that a week after the crash of Continental flight 3407 that a man dies on the plane on his way to Buffalo. Southwest allowed the man on the plane even after he complained of not feeling well. While on the flight, he died of natural causes. If it was my family I would sue Southwest for neglect (hey people have gotten paid for worse). To avoid future lawsuits Southwest should insist that all passengers flying to Death Valley (Buffalo) sign a waiver. I tell ya what, the next time I visit friends and family back home I'll be driving.
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Rapper arrested for cheating on diet

N.O.R.E. got arrested for cheating on his diet. If that's not inspiration for all you people out there trying to loose weight, then you're just destine to be fat for the rest of your life. N.O.R.E. or "The Hamburgerlar" as he will now be known was arrested at Fat Burger in Miami Beach. Now, "The Hamburgerlar" wasn't actually arrested for cheating on his diet, it was for whoopin some ass. But the first question you have to ask is: What the hell was N.O.R.E. doing at a damn Fat Burger? This dude is suppose to be the loose weight guru and he's busted at a Fat Burger! According to "The Hamburgerlar" he was there getting a veggie burger, come on now, really N.O.R.E? A veggie burger? That's like saying you were in the strip club looking for a ballerina.
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tough break nigga...

good day bitches, whats that you say? this is your home blog?? no, then what the fuck you harassin me for??? im the squatter! ill be providin you with top notch bloggin while the lame ass tenant is spends a week south of the border ... yes ladies, if you click the ads he will eat your fur burger for that long

now that weve exchanged pleasantries, allow me to introduce a segment i like to call tough break nigga...





damn i watched that whole video then realized this chick had leukemia, cant make fun of her now. fuck it ...

NOW tuition is factor in selecting a school??? welcome to blackville, usa! tell her punk ass to take out some student loans. then they say her goal is to "get into a prestegious university ... maybe even a ivy league school" and then proceed to show an nyu banner ... guess the editor of this piece went to a state school too

dream crushing? so what was your dad dying or the cancer? daydream cracking perhaps? build a bridge! ivy league aint the best idea for undergrad anyway. my sister went to dartmouth and she makes less than the rants revenue. seriously, i hope everythin goes well for her and she gets into a great institution near me, so i can give her "da dick" (rip b. mac)

if not, tough break sand nigga ... theres always the pole!
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Megan Fox is single

So some of you may give a rat’s ass…me I don’t. But yeah, Megan “Not a” Fox has broken up (again) with Brian Austin Green. They’ve been engaged for like 3 years now…damn, I wonder what the holdup was. I mean how can you stay engaged for 3 years before you realize, “hmmm, you’re not the one.” Now for regular mortals who fear never finding anyone, I could understand. But this is Megan Fox…a goddess to many people. Wait wait wait. I forgot. The broad is dumb insecure about her looks and prolly thinks Brian was the best she could do. Even celebrities suffer (the most) from self esteem issues.
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Adriana Lima is off the market

Now I know you give a rat’s ass, cuz I do! What kinda bullshit is this? I mean, I didn’t think that it would happen so soon. Adriana AND Salma? What is the world comin to? Next Christina Milian? I mean seriously. But Lima confirmed the marriage rumors on her MySpace page and I pray someone hacked her account. I mean look at the guy…with those South Park eyes. So annoyin. I need money, because LOOKS DON’T MATTER WHEN YOU’RE RICH! The link to her MySpace page ain’t workin so I guess I have to wait for People to confirm. The last hottest virgin alive is taken...
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Kelly Clarkson isn't a fashion idol

Not sure what Kelly Clarkson is thinkin here. I mean she doesn’t have the bust to fill that top out. And the green? The jacket looks so small that she couldn’t fold her arms if she was upset with the way I’m trashin her…but she already trashed herself. The pants are a total miss, lookin frumpy towards the bottom. And what kinda wool Crocs does she have on? I don’t understand how girls can dress badly. Isn’t this what ya’ll been training to do since birth?
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Marisa Tomei is slee-pei

Marisa Tomei is usually lookin like a hot piece of ass, but I don’t know what’s goin on with her. Even at the Oscars she was lookin super tired. Someone get Marisa some assistance so that she can get some sleep and go back to hot bitch I fantasize about.
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Beyonce and Hugh are no Janet and Justin

Hugh Jackman is a lucky man. Yes, don’t comment, I already know.
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Scary Spice isn't so scary afterall

Scary Spice aka Mel B is actually lookin decent.
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Ok so you know how magazines for white women usually airbrush off any curves for the guest model of the month? Oh come on, don’t act surprised. Beyonce is Good Housekeeping is way too skinny to believe. Well I think the reverse happens in magazines for blacks. Here is Christina Milian, lookin good as ever…but when did she get an ass like that? I CHALLENGE you to find a Christina Milian photo with her butt that big.


The Rant Is Due Muthafuckas!!!
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