Monday, September 13, 2010

2010 VMAs...sucked

So i had a personal request to come back...and the reason I'm doin this isn't because I owe that one person a favor or that they have nude pictures of me with a donkey and some whipped cream. No. I'm postin because I kinda miss it. The world is a crazy enough place to keep me employed and ranting till my grandkids take over the family business. Anyways, on to the 2010 MTV VMAs. I honestly believe that MTV is doing to the world what BET did to black people. The education system is failing and I think it falls on the shoulders of the media to properly educate the masses...but that's another rant.

The program was over two hours which gives me more than enough ammo to fire off for two days but I'ma try to keep this tight like Kim Kardashian's vagina. Now off the bat you think my analogy failed, but I digress. The bitch loves to keep herself together (so to speak) so I'm prettttty sure she's had that vagina rejuvenation surgery. It's the Kim K way!!! And I for one am happy for it, because I like it tight. Not snug. Tight. Like "hold on hold on, don't move I might bust" tight. The things I would do to Kim Kardashian would be deemed illegal after the video leaked. The Supreme Court would make up a new law just to prevent it from happening to another woman. And if you haven't seen her Playboy pics, you can check them here (NSFW).

First on my shit list is the people on the guest list. LADY GAGA!!! Of course I have to talk about her talented ass. And what an ass she has for a white girl. Oh and speakin of white girls with asses (or lack thereof) Chelsea Handler's bottom is very disappointing considerin all the attention it gets from anyone black on her show. Maybe she shoulda invested in Booty Pop for the VMAs. But back to Gaga. I don't like her. Her music is catchy. It's pop. It's manufactured. We've all seen Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta on Boiling Points and the YouTube videos of her pre fame performances. So it really annoys me when she turns into Gaga and talks about keepin it real and expressin yourself. Lady Gaga is a persona. Just like The Tenant. Just like Diddy. Yes, I put my name right in-between to great entertainers because I am a great entertainer...the world just doesn't know it yet. And to be honest, The Tenant isn't too far off from the real me. Just as crazy but a bit more impolite when blogging. Anyways, congrats to Gaga but stick to makin music not makin statements...your fashion sense and music is statement enough. Is it just me or were there no black presenters this year or did I fast forward past them all? Any black presenter had a white chaperone with them. Chelsea is hilarious on her show, but was clearly nervous being the first woman to host the VMAs in like 16 years or so. Or maybe she was worried about here sex tape being leaked soooon. Check out stills here (NSFW) Eh, maybe she'll get another shot hostin somethin else. If Sofia Vergara can fix her English just slightly, they should let her host. The things I would do to Kim K, I would practice with Sofia first. Ay mami!!! This year's VMAs is the first time I've heard Justin Bieber sing, dance, or ANYTHING! I look at him and a math equation pops in my head. Justin Timberlake - Timbaland = Justin Bieber. I will admit I can see his appeal - little Canadian boy swag. But at the end of the day I'm not downloadin his music off iTunes or iStealTunes. For the most part the people at the VMAs were very muted (thanks a lot Kanye) and nothin memorable happened. Maybe next year they'll shock people again. And when I say "they" I mean MTV because honestly nothin happens without their permission. White people love control.

Will.I.Am is more colorful inside than out
As far as performances go, I think the best might have to be...DJ Deadmau5. The LED Mickey Mouse head was awesome and he's a pretty good DJ. Click on his name to check his website. I don't do house/trance/dance/techo etc. but I could see myself poppin a Skittle at one of his parties. Second place can go to Kim Kardashian for pretending she likes Justin Bieber when she really wants me. And third place can go to Em and Rihanna. B.o.B.'s performance was cut short, Kanye's new song was going for first place till the autotune came out, nobody cares about Taylor Swift anymore, and Usher looked like he needed a walker after his performance. Honestly, I was like is Usher gonna dance or not? He broke it down a bit, but not the Usher we all remember. Guess the little baby is keepin him up at night, now that he's a single father (I told him not to marry that bitch and here's proof). The "What The Fuck" moment has resulted in a tie between Will.I.Am's matte finish makeup and Swizz Beats pretending to play the piano during Drake's performance. Will.I.Am look like a fuckin Kaws doll. It's wasn't bad compared to what other artist do (*cough*Gaga*cough*) but it was like...what the fuck? And Swizzy needs to stop. Oh you bangin a world renown piano player (Alicia Keys for those of you not in the know) so you think you can bang on a piano? WRONG!!! Sit your funny lookin ass down. Preferably a bench without a piano in front of it. Mary J. did kill it, but that's like sayin the NYPD likes to target blacks. DUHHHHH!!!

So that's it. That's my take on this year's VMAs. I wish the cast of Jersey Shore drowned in the jacuzzi but one can only wish. I'ma leave ya with the last performance, Kanye's "Runaway" which is also a film he directed...not anticipating that. Don't get me wrong, Kanye is a visionary for sure but ummm we know what happens when he tries to put his vision to film. Shout out to DJ HeaVyneSS for providing the video. I know the video is really from MTV but DJ HeaVyneSS is the best DJ on the east coast that hasn't gone global fuck off and go to his site.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!