Thursday, July 31, 2008

Birthday rant

This is gonna be a short one since A)It’s my bday and it’s like 3am and I’m super tired (but sober) and B) The cops are flying around my neighborhood again (but it’s serious this time, they have squad cars on every block for like 5 blocks). It’s probably my escort service within the city on some Britney Spears shit lol.

When models (you know, super hot girls) do interviews in magazines, do their publicist give them the material out of the same book? Models are always saying the same shit in interviews: they single; they will date anyone, just be you and be funny. BULLSHIT. While models may date anyone, he has to be anyone in the same tax bracket as her. He has to be anyone in an industry she currently works in (modeling) or aspires to be in (other forms of entertainment). They always say that they never get approached by guys. Most guys don’t approach girls because most girls don’t put it out there that they wanna be approached. They don’t look over at you, they don’t smile back, and they don’t even realize that you are there. Now, I don’t have this problem. Just last night I had to send Heidi (Klum) back home to her kids. I mean even she admitted that what attracted her to Seal wasn’t his face, but his big package (I guess he was wearing biker shorts when he strolled past her). Once she realized she could get a big package AND a pretty face….well, I’m not a man to kiss and tell lol.

Shout out to Mercedes-Benz for makin coupes that make it impossible for girls with skirts (or short dresses) on to exit the car without showing their panties. I thought maybe it was a trashy celebrity thing but yesterday my coworker reveled a little bit more about herself than I need to know lol. So guys, be a gentleman and hold open that car door for your lady (or any lady hoppin out a coupe lol)

So I’ve been playin around with the new Facebook and man is it different. And not different in a good way nor different in a bad way. Different in a "gotta adjust to it" kinda way. I don’t like how the news feed is broken apart into topics. You have the “Top Stories” like Facebook is on some CNN shit now. “Breaking news: You’re best friend Justin just tagged himself in 50 of his photos because the loser doesn’t have enough friends to tag him in their photos, so he tries to appear more popular than he is by tagging himself in his own photos, like you don’t already know what he looks like”. Then it has Status Updates which I am a fan of, because I like to see how other people’s creativity compares to mine. What I’m not a fan of is when people repost the same status message multiple times a day. Alright already, we know that you feel extra poetic because the dude you are fuckin (not even bf/gf, but just fuckin) is fuckin someone else. Boo hoo bitch, boo hoo. Stop bumpin up your status message like it’s fresh. Then they have Photos and Posted Items. Maybe I’m not as popular as I thought and maybe people don’t really check out my page like that…but for the love of God, don’t tell me to check out your “new” post when I already posted it 4 months ago.

Last thing I wanna pick on (pun intended), is people that pick they nose in the car. And I ain’t talkin bout the quick nose-swipe check (I do it on occasion), I’m talkin about diggin so far up they nose they suffer an aneurism (hemorrhaging (bleeding) of the brain). You would think they left themselves a note up there the way rummage through the nose. Lmao. AND it’s disgusting. Get your windows tainted before you do that…I ain't tryin to peek in your fishbowl and see you go on a scavenger hunt. At least pull over to an empty side street or something!!

No video, must-get-sleep

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Now in HD...

Yay hump day…so glad this year is almost over, lol. Yea I’m getting ahead of myself. But so what, I can do anything I want on my blog. Still getting calls if I’m alive, lol, with the last one coming from my mom followed by my dad. Thanks guys, glad to know that you are still concerned for my safety….goodness.

Speakin of bad parenting….where the hell is Hayden Panettiere’s folks? Do they know their 18 year old daughter is dating her 31 year old Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia? I mean, this is old news to most of us, but there is a (mostly untrue) rumor that she gave him a striptease for his birthday which reminded me of my recent trip to the Philippines. The best part of my trip where we went to a strip club. It was weird, all the girls only had A cups and cleanly shaven….um. Wait. They were legal, I swear. I don’t read Filipino….lol. But anyways, Milo, find girls your age. You are handsome, no homo, and rich-ish and famous-ish. So leave Hayden for guys closer to her age group, like me! To think they took their relationship public right after she turned 18…meaning he was courting her when she was 17???? Sicko.

While we are on the dating and sex topic, I’d like to direct ya’ll to my sister site (well, they really aren’t my sister site, but I know the girls and they black, so maybe it’s my sistah site lol) Expressions of a Buppie. What the hell is a Buppie you might ask? I don’t know, but I don't like the sound of it. “Shut yo Buppie ass up”. “Whatcha lookin at Buppie?!?” “This Buppie tried to roll up on me the other day; I had to flash the nine on that Buppie muthafucka” See? Lol. Nah but seriously, they are some insightful women. The one post that caught my eye was about Cookies and how men are like the cookie monster and women are like Girl Scouts. Hilarious.

I can’t believe that it has taken me over 5 months to get my oxygen sensor for my car replaced. I swear there are no good mechanics in LA. And you’d think with the over 2 million cars on the road, that SOMEBODY would know how the fuck to work on cars. I've spent more money with these buppies than if I had just went to the dealership. And now, I'm forced to go to the dealership so I can put this all behind me.

Katherine Heigl, I don’t like that bitch. A) I think she got Isaiah Washington kicked off Grey’s Anatomy by being too vocal and playin the victim. Like she was a scared white woman working with a black gorilla. B) Then she gonna talk shit about the movie that put her talentless ass on the map. For her to call out Knocked Up as too sexist and making women look dumb was unnecessary. That’s like a girl stripping her way through college, and then she gets a degree and says all strip clubs should be shut down. C) She gonna decline her Emmy nomination because she felt the writers of the show didn’t fill out her role. D) On top of that she asked for a higher salary. A) Isaiah Washington may be black, but he ain’t no gorilla. I’ll show you King Kong if you get me fired up. B) You think Knocked Up is sexist and makes women look dumb? Ask Ray Romano if every married man is as helpless, spineless, and who can’t function without their wife type of man as he portrayed in his long running TV show? C) You want more character development? Start by doing less movies and focus on your TV career. D) Become a high caliber actress. The only good thing going for Kat is that she didn’t marry a more successful, more talented actor for a husband (I’m lookin at you Ms. Aniston, but when you done with John, holla at me lol)

The video that I was gonna put with this post has been removed from YouTube, but you can still see it on adultswim. (It's NSFW so you may wanna watch it at home or with headphones)

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!

Hey don't sue me: I got the pic of the Ice Princess from


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Pickin up the pieces

If you watch Family Guy, then you will recall an episode where Peter becomes a social commentator and has the spot “You Know What Grinds My Gears”? That’s who I feel like- like why is this idiot rambling? O because you love it, that’s right lol.

Shia LaBeouf was not the driver to cause the accident Sunday morning. It appears that the other driver ran a red light and knocked over Shia (or as we call him in the hood, Baby Shy Shy)’s truck. Upon further questioning of the driver, police found out that she was attempting to get Optimus Prime to transform for an autograph. Lol, not really.

We had a nice little (modest sized) earthquake today in LA. My first one, technically my second but I slept through that one. It was thrilling. I was sitting down outside my mechanic’s garage and he’s a hefty dude so when stepped out my car the ground started shaking. I was like “what the fuck did this man do?” Then I noticed the signs and lamp posts shaking and I was in awe lol. It was kinda scary but I wish I was standin up so I could do a Max B and “ride the wave” owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Speaking of hefty, looks like the new Facebook has gotten wider. I like the better organization but I feel like it stretches things across the screen more. O Facebook, you could be run by Hitler and people would still use you. Viva La Facebook!

And in other hefty news, it appears that the city of LA will restrict the construction of anymore fast food areas in the southern part of LA (that’s were all the blacks live). I think that’s cool, since it seems like blacks have the highest rates for diabetes, high cholesterol levels, and other diseases. Goodness, you’d think the people that help build this nation would be a little healthier than that. We need to start eating African food again and walk for miles with buckets of water on our heads again, lol.

Speaking of sick blacks, did you know that if all the black people in the US formed their own country, we would rank above Ethiopia (420,000 to 1,300,000) and below Ivory Coast (750,000) in HIV population? This is why I don’t fuck with black girls, lmao, just kiddin. It’s not the AIDS, it’s the attitude lol.

And right after this report was created; the Feds decide to apologize for slavery. Now they realize how much they fucked over black people. Hopefully they will apologize for crack, greasy foods, and AIDS in this clause as well. I feel the only proper way to pay us back is through reparations, just like on the Chappelle show. I mean, it’s not like they won’t get their money back. Best way to stimulate the economy is by giving us niggas MONEY!!! Lol. Cuz I know if I got an extra 20K, I’m gonna buy me a baby. CASH!

So I had to lick my fingers!!!

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!

Monday, July 28, 2008

The houseparty

Happy Monday residents!! I had a good weekend. Had some good food, saw girls get wet, then saw them get drunk, then I pulled a Shia LaBeouf. Then I vowed never to do it again (and I really can’t because no car means no work which means I gotta this blogging shit for a living). Then I watched The Dark Knight again and gave verbal (well, more like typed) thrashings on various blog sites that tried to poke holes in the movie. Then I had more great food. Now it’s Monday and I worked from home…..again, lol.

Remember when I used to trash Britney Spears and say she was dun-dun-d-dun? I stand corrected. She has actually picked herself up from rock bottom and acts decent and looks decent too! I really thought she would die or be committed forever. But even if I didn’t have faith in her comeback, I woulda still hit it (for the money), and that offer still stands (straight up) so Brit babe, holla at me.

Well well welll, it looks like we have another exposed rapper in our mist. Rick Ross, the Boss. More like Boss Man (for my WWF, well WWE but when he wrestled it was…o forget it, for my wrestling fans). It appears that Mr. Ricky Ross, known to his mother as William Roberts, used to work as a prision guard for the Florida Department of Corrections . He took this job after graduating high school. Really Rick? Nah fuck that, you don’t deserve that name. Really William? Like, you and A-Korny need to beat it. It’s one thing to have a clean past (we know how record labels create “thug” rappers) but when you busted, you busted. Don’t try denyin that shit, cuz that really makes you look suspect. Just accept the fact that The Somking Gun revoked your hood pass and keep it movin.

Looks like your favorite blogger is running for President too!! I figured, with 2 black people running, it would increase our chances of victory!!!!!

So while my wife to be was banging (ugh, I just threw up in my mouth thinkin about it) ole’ frenchie. I set my sites on another hot Spanish chick name Sofia Vergara. Now there is a new Vergara in town. Star of the Venezuelan version of Desperate Housewives – Gabriela Vergara. You don’t need to know Spanish to describe her….biting your knuckles till it bleeds is universally spoken by men around the world. Here are more photos of my mistress.

I will start cappin off my blogs with random videos I’ve posted on FB before, but still find hilarious enough to watch again. So first up – my Korean roommate age 5:

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Don't sue me: Rick Ross images are property of the people that wrote all over the pictures, and the images of Ms. Vergara is property of H para Hombres Magazine

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Past Due

One thing you’ll notice about the Rant is that sometimes it’s late. Lol. I’m sorry but you know I got a full time job and no cable, so I give you the news as I get it. But the good thing is that my commentary is like interest, so here you go:

Scott Storch should change his name to Scott Scorch Through 70 million dollars. Some people need to kill themselves, and I’m no advocate of suicide. But come on, Tyson did it, Hammer did, more than a handful of professional athletes have done it. So why Scott would you make the same fuckin mistake hundreds of people before you have made? That’s the people that should kill themselves, the one that repeat history instead of learn from it. I for one don’t like the guy, he looks a bit homo for my taste and seems to be arrogant (I guess we can see that from his ridiculous spending). Update: Just read his wiki, and under the Conflicts section I see why I never recognized him (because as they say, real recognize real and Scott was VERY unfamilar).But seriously, anyone that owns a Bugatti Veyron and has it repossessed needs to fall off this Earth. Now if you own a Veryon and a SLR McLaren and they fall out of your possession? Sigh….the hatred in my heart has me at a loss for words.

You know what I love about seein Bai Ling on the red carpet? You are guaranteed to see some nipple action with her. She could wear Iron Man’s suit and you’d still see her big ass nipples lol. And in other entertainment news, it seems that Christian Bale was justified in the bitch slapping of his sister. It appears that his sister had approached him on the night of his premiere to "borrow" $200,000. Mind you, his sister has 2 kids from one marriage and one from a new one. Obviously you don't have to black to be considered a hood rat, lmao. If my sister tried to squeeze me for money on my big night, I prolly woulda kicked her down the stairs or somethin.

In extremely old (announced 4 months ago) news, Lil’ Jon has his own winery now….I’ll wait for that to sink in. Seriously Jon? Crunk Wine? Wine and cheese class will never be the same. I guess the name of the collection is Little Jonathan, which sounds more like a foundation for autistic kids. Has anyone sipped this beverage yet? I would like to get my hand on a bottle since wine is the classy way to get girls drunk…or in this case, crunk! (O you knew that was comin, don’t even front lol).

I look at other blog layouts and I think if I can get a big enough audience (read: people start clicking on the ads and generate revenue for me), then I will certainly switch up the look around here. Move from the slums to a duplex in this blogging game. So tell a friend to tell a friend to tell their moms because moms always like to tell their friends, to check out the blog on a regular basis. The Rant Is Due muthafucka!!!

Hey don't sue me: The image of Little Jonathan Winery was taken from the website, which I will not link to unless they decide to start payin me for advertising!!! :)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

My Lights Are Still On

Which means, the responses have been positive so far. So let's try this again!

First off, I can’t believe that she actually remained faithful to me. I thought this plan was gonna crumble, but she stayed true. Salma Hayek is still on the market. As some of you may or may not know, she dumped me for this French Billionaire but she told me it was strictly for financial reasons and she would come back to me. Now she has his love child (what we call “Child Support” in the states) and she has called off the engagement to the wealthy white man. Sorry Frenchie, your game just wasn’t tight enough.

On Larry King last night, they had more white people discussing the use of the word “Nigga”. I’ll say this once and I’ll prolly keep sayin it because people just don’t get it. Nigga – can be used around blacks, and in some circles, other ethnicities as a term to refer to someone else. Nigger – a word used by racist slave owners, bigots, republicans (just kiddin) to describe black people. See the problem lies where and when you use the word. If you use word nigga or nigger ONLY when referring to blacks, then you’re racist. But if everyone can be a nigga, then you’re in the clear. I think the real reason we don’t want white people using the word is because everything of ours they take, they make uncool. And if we start lettin them use the word freely, it’s just gonna make it uncool to say. I don’t have time to go through history to show how the white man has taken parts of black and African culture and made it uncool, but you know I ain’t lyin.

Not a Joe Budden fan, but that song “Who Killed Hip-Hop” (or just "Who" on some mixtapes) is tight. He basically does a rundown of people and events that might have killed hip hop and it was nicely done. However, he failed to mention his throat problems as a cause lol.

The Palace curse is among us again. This time WNBA teams LA Sparks vs. Detroit Shocks go at it. I don’t really know any of the players but when I hear about a girl fight I only think about exposed breast. Sadly, this was not the case as you can see in the video.

You know what bothers me? When people say something is great, but it is overhyped. Huh? Something can be good but overhyped. Or so-so but overhyped. But if something is considered great, how can you say it is overhyped? That was a great movie, but it was overhyped. That was some great acting, but it was overhyped. People are startin to lose credibility with this fuckery. The Rant Is Due muthafucka!

Hey don't sue me:That picture of my bride to be was provided by REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni/Files

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Let's see if this works for me

So it's official...I'ma lame ass blogger now :( It was cool to make notes on Facebook because then it was just limited to my "friends" (which I'm slowly but surely cutting the number down....seriously, I have only spoken to about 100 of my 350+ "friends" in the past year or so. If I wanted to network, I would use LinkedIn or MySpace). Now the whole world gets to see how crazy I am, and if I plan on becoming famous this may not be a good thing (then again, crazy does gather more attention than sane in this fucked up world we live in.) (Can I use the word "fucked"? I mean now my baby cousin Kells could read this and then she would have a fucked up view of me. Jeez I'm fucked with this blogging shit). Well if this sucks, I will delete the account ASAP, so feel free to be honest on my writing abilities. I will return promptly to my safe Facebook hole.

ALRIGGGGGGGGGHT let's get it started:
Max Bigga, Mr. Wavie Crockett, my favorite [ex] Byrd Gang member, has released a new mix tape: Wavie Crockett - Return of the Wave. My honest opinion is that after Rise of The Silver Surfer, this nigga has became trash. Seriously, this shit is garbage my dude!!!! OW! No more remixes, you ain't doin them justice. Stick to new beats, such as Explode It and I Just Wanna. That's where you shine, when you rip new beats. Now I just saw a video with him dissing Freeky Zekey. Whoa there Max,you dissed Jimmy and I was right with you. Now you dissing Freekey...ight ight. But if you start aiming for the General (on this sunken ship lol), Killa, then you'll really be singing "No Love For Me" owwwwwwwww!
Nas new album is out and it's good. I think I'm just done with Nas. Nah, not done, just not as hyped to hear him. The album is very solid, but I don't know how long I will spin it for. The Last 2 Walk....should be called This Is What Happens When You Make Money, You Lose Friends And Put Out Shitty Music. Nah to be fair, I expected less from this album by Three 6 Mafia. With all the other memebers gone, I didn't think Juicy J and DJ Paul would be able to give a decent album but they did. By recruiting other Memphis rappers and of course utilizing the best nigga in the souf, Project Pat, Last 2 Walk is not the teeny bop hollywood album I expected. Granted these guys are talkin as hard as they used to, they still have tracks that are worth listening to: First 48, Playstation, Dirty Bitch, I Got, and That's Right. The rest of the album is kinda hit or miss with the empahsix (you like that word play dontcha?) placed on miss. Seriously tho, you spend a year in Hollywood bullshitting with LC from The Hills (or was it someone else?) and you still manage to put out an album (late as fuck) that is alright. Good job Juice Man and Paul. Next time you will get on your grind so that next album you can release your same named single (Lollipop) first and get a better response!

Christian Bale has been brought in for questioning on the other side of the pond today (that's Britain for you blokes). It appears that the Dark Knight may be giving Dark circles around the eyes of his sister and mother. Of course the actor who plays Batteringman, I mean, Batman in the new movie denies the allegations. If he is guilty, I wonder what woulda made him snap. Maybe he was still in character and was trying to gather information on where they should take their next family vacation lol.

The Dark Knight is an excellent movie. I was going to write more, but seriously, that first sentence is self sufficient. If you haven't seen it yet, then God doesn't love you.

If Elisabeth Hasselbeck isn't dead in 60 minutes, I will start blowing up all the major hospitals!! Sorry, still had the Dark Knight on my mind. I don't watch The View, but I've learned that she is a left wing repungantcain (correct me if I'm wrong) that likes to bite off more than she can chew. This past week, she decided to get in a heated and emotional debate on using the word nigga. Now like my nigga Nas said on his new album, ya'll niggas just gotta get used to the word being here. I will never give up that word because that word has a different meaning to me than it does to a Bill Cosby or Jessie Jacksons (that dumb nigga). I don't attach a race to it, so I call anyone a nigga AND I don't flip out if a person of another race uses it. It really all depends on the context it is used. You don't have to call me a nigga before I smash you're face in. You can call me an African cotton picking watermelon eating chicken loving white women staring at educated black man, and I'll still be ready to fight. Cuz I didn't pick any cotton so I take offense to that lol. Anyways, Mrs. Hasselbeck, when I need to figure out whether I need to use mayo or Miracle Whip on my sandwich, then please voice your opinion as loud as you want. But when it comes to using a word that your race created with the intentions of bringing us down, please...shut the fuck up. Fo I stick my long nigga dick in that cracka ass!!! lmao, kidding kidding. I do think she’s cute tho.

I read this week that a mother's child died in the car while she was inside a nail shop getting her nails done......for her WEDDING that day. Damn, that is real sad. Suppose to be the happiest day of her life and now it's not. Because she happens to be a dumb sack of shit. I mean seriously, didn't children dying in cars go outta style 6-8 years ago? Kids still die like that? Police say that the 4 year old may have crawled into the car when the mother wasn't looking and that she may have not know her child was in the car. (this is me taking a pause) You know, she woulda been better off saying that she knew the child was in there, she just forgot to roll down the windows. How you not gonna know where your 4 year old is? Let alone, how you not gonna notice they in the car with you? O wait wait wait, I just read an updated story. So the mom AND the aunt were in the Ford Expedition with the 4 year old "hiding" in that humungous SUV and neither of them noticed him. Unless he was hiding underneath a seat, I really can't explain this one.

Ugh, this is getting long. I like my blogs to be short and nice. Keeps the reader around, entertains them, and then keeps it moving. So let me sound the horn on the wrap up on my first non Facebook blog. Stay tuned for jokes, rants, social commentary, and other things I feel like talkin about because I can. The Rant Is Due muthafucka!

Hey don't sue me:© 2007 DC Comics | BATMAN and all related characters, slogans and indicia are trademarks of DC Comics Inc.