Friday, November 28, 2008

Obama Friday

I’m still stuffed from yesterday, I’m sleepy, and it’s Friday. You do the math. If you’re a black male, and you want to know how it feels like to be a white person shopping, go into a woman’s only clothing store (like Jones New York). It’s a great feelin! You get to walk around without a clerk followin you around, pretendin like they wanna help you. Usually when you go shoppin and nobody asks if you need help, you get kinda pissed off. But if you’re in a woman’s store, you don’t care if nobody asks you if you need help. Who knew shoppin could be so fun!!! Oh, and at the barber shop couple days ago, I found out why Kanye’s fiancée dumped him…it makes RoboCop even funnier now. “You spoiled little LA girl…” lmao.

I know the real hamburglar...

Rick Ross’ first video. Before he was sellin’ coke, he was drink coke!

We should just give them some A-rab money...o wait, we already do

Terrorist runnin amok in India. What is this world comin to? We need to engineer some super heroes. I wonder if the government is doin testin like that. I would believe that the same conservatives that don’t believe in abortion are out there funding super soldier projects. Killin off any of the deformed creations they’ve made. Implant them with nanomachines so that when they go off the reservation, you can instantly terminate them. Any thoughts on why our home grown terrorist don’t take it this far? Is it the superior police’n and surveillance of our government? I think the hatred people have here is just as great as the hatred found in other places. Or maybe it’s because we’re Americans and just too lazy lol!

Slo money is No money

The only thing white people refer to as ‘black’ that has a positive meanin is Black Friday. My favorite day of the year…kinda. I don’t really do much shoppin but this year might change all that. Because while America is livin in a recession, I’m ballin. And not just ballin. And 1 mixtape ballin. I’m putting the money between my legs, the economy’s legs, around its head, pump fakin, rollin on the ground, stutter steppin and doin a 180 tomahawk jam with my nuts in its mouth (no homo). Well, I could. But I’d rather invest in stocks. Lol. A 32” computer monitor would be pretty cool tho. Maybe I’ll buy a camcorder just to record myself spendin money on things I don’t need. Oh, it’s gonna be a good Christmas for my family this year. Actually, no. I know they ain’t ballin like me, so I ain’t gonna spend no more than they spendin. Bah Humbug!!!

Somewhere in the world, Michael Jackson is rubbin his hands...

Angie is pregnant again. Or maybe not. But when the rep issues a “not true” statement, it’s usually true. When things aren’t true, nobody cares. But when things are true but are found out too early, someone has to deny it. If they have another kid, I’m gonna cut my balls off. Seriously. What the fuck is this? The 1940s? Are they gonna go live on a farm and use the kids as help? If you wanna have a big family that’s fine, but goodness, stay out of the damn spotlight. I don’t wanna read about your 17th child.

Are baby cannons called pistols?

Mariah is also denyin pregnancy rumors, but leave it to Ellen to put her to the test. Why Ellen try to Mariah to drink champagne to prove she wasn’t pregnant? Lmao. Classic Sherlock Holmes. Mariah of course denied and said it was too early to drink alcohol. Sure hun…I read some comments on another blog about MC bein pregnant and they said that most women keep it quiet till after the 1 trimester because most miscarriages occur durin that period. So maybe she is pregnant, maybe Angie is preggers too. Maybe I’m pregnant.

It's a recession for ex singers too

Everyone’s favorite ex-Danity Kane skank is back in full effect. It appears that Aubrey O’Day has spent time doin a photo shoot for a well known publisher. Actually this publisher is so well known that chances are you, your brother, your father, and grandfather all read the magazine (or used to). I really don’t wanna link the story because I wanna see if you guys can guess who she did the spread for (that’s a key word lol). Anyways here’s the article for you cheaters or bad guessers. And becareful when you click on the photos to enlarge them. She is wearin a BLACK wife beater in front of FLASHING cameras.

Black Tragedy

I don’t even care to report this, I’m just doin this for the sake of you havin something to talk about with the family over the weekend. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have been seen together. What does that mean? Houston needs some more coke and Bobby is her papi. I don’t know, I don’t care. But if Whits and Bobs get back together, you were warned.

Ms. Thunderpussy

Remember that white girl that I liked but didn’t really know why? Well she’s back in my life again.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sorry for the lateness of this post, I didn’t come home last night. If the wife asks, I was with you guys, the readers. Thanks and have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

A time to reflect on election season

Here are some political cartoons because I thought they were funny.

And you thought I was nasty...

Here are some things that you can get away with sayin today but no other day of the year.
1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Second helping

You thought I’d leave you hanging on (turkey) breast day? Come on…

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Almost turkey day!

I finish this post in like record time. Now time to entertain the wife! Oh, and ummmm, yea. Nothin really much to say. Enjoy! No wait! I forgot to mention how awesome this season of Entourage wrapped up. A trip to Queens, Vinny freakin out (Mr. Cool), and Martin Scorsese!!! Oh, and phone sex with Meadow Soprano? I love that show.

Did everyone in Washington fail Econ class?

I wish I saved up to buy a house, because this woulda been the best time to do it. If you don’t fuck with stocks, then buy some real estate or stocks in real estate because everythin is for the low low right now. It’s not even funny. Another thing that isn’t funny is this new bailout ($800 billi). I’m gonna write my congressman or some economist (is that the right term?) to find out why the fuck the government can’t pay off our debts? The money we don’t have to pay to lenders can be spent elsewhere, still stimulating the economy. I don’t understand how they gonna give money to the lenders then the lenders still ask us for money that we don’t ALREADY FUCKING HAVE! IF WE HAD THE FUCKIN MONEY WE WOULDN’T BE IN THIS SITUATION!!! Wow. Government for the people my ass.

Where is the motherly instinct?

I can’t explain my disgust with these next two monsters. It’s like way above my logical reasoning. The first one killed her son and slit the throat of the other but he lived. This less than a year she had an “accident” and drove into the river with them. Crazy, just fuckin crazy. Why didn’t she die and the boys live? Makes you wonder sometimes…And all she gets is life in jail? Come the fuck on, seriously. Let me slit her throat with a plastic knife. I don’t care how long it takes, let me do it till the bitch’s throat is open. When the boy that survived talked to the police, he tells them about how his mother blindfolded and duct taped his mouth. Then he could hear his brother screamin as his mom killed him.

Dads can be cruel too

Then there’s this fuckery.

Like really? Just raping your daughters. ARRRRGGHHHH. Put him in jail, because I know for a fact he’ll get his ass twisted and they’ll hit the bottom every night. If there is one thing people in jail don’t like, it’s child predators. Before they send him to jail, burn his dick off with acid.

Baby shout out

Carson Daly (yea, Mr. TRL) is a dad! Congrats to him and his girlfriend Siri Pinter.

Take that, bitch

A-Rod is doin the right thing and spendin time with his family instead of the devil named Madonna. There are even reports that he has dropped out of Kabbalah school because he found it boring. HAHAHAHAHA I hope it's true. That evil bitch tryin to make everyone believe like she does. I hope he gets real tired of her and dumps her. Leave Madonna alone, because that’s what she deserves. Am I hatin? Maybe. She needs to stop kidnapping African boys. Last time white people did that…well, you already know.

Say no to cheetos and K-Fed

So Britney Spears is “back” as you can see. Most would argue that she never “left”. I mean she spent the last couple years headlining tabloids for us to all see. You have to leave in order to comeback. I guess the proper title was goin to be “Britney Spears comebacks to back to earth and regains her sanity” but that wouldn’t fit. Enjoy the pics of Brit (who looks like she’s goin on 40…see what babies and drugs to you ladies??)

Freak of the week

I always thought of Chris Brown as a wholesome child. Straight As, never stays out late, respect his mother, etc. But you know since hookin up with Rihanna, I’m pretty sure she’s turned him out. Look at what this freaky girl wore at the AMA (durin her performance).

Nipple spikes. Nipple spikes Chris. I mean, I already know she has her nipples pierced, but damn this is a bit much.

Go all the way or go home

I like Blake Lively’s see through skirt. I like the whole outfit actually…but if she wants to be taken as a serious actress she has to show us more undergarments. If she gonna show the bra, she gotta show the panties. You can’t make omelets and leave out the eggs. That prolly didn’t make sense, because I’m not laughin either.

Not enough shots in the world

Tila Tequila because I think that’s a pretty hot outfit. What is up with her horse-faced girlfriend tho? Jeeeez. Someone beat her with the ‘ugly’ stick then poured battery acid on her face, lol.

My kinda Megan

Megan Good because I still like black girls (but damn that forehead).

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Floppin around

Welcome back my lovely ladies and gents. What will I talk about today? Who knows? What I do know is that I am tired. Playin nude basketball at the Penthouse office is tiring. There was balls everywhere. Wait, that didn’t come out right. MY balls, basketballs, and breasty-balls everywhere. Better.

"Oh you're kiddin me, that was a good one. You're first good one..."

So yesterday I called the Kanye album not worth purchasing. Today, I plan on buyin the album (for me ‘today’ means sometime within the next month). What caused this change of tune? Well because I’m supporting an idea not the album. I want this album to do well (record sales) because I want people to get creative now. I don’t want the same cookie cutter rap albums anymore. I want someone to take it to a new level of creativity. While I was in the shower thinkin (second most idea generating place in my apt, the first bein the toilet), I want someone to make a rap album that is one big story. When’s the last time we’ve had one of those? I don’t want a bunch of songs thrown together for the sake of makin an album or a barely there concept. I want one story, broken down into 12-14 tracks. Like Trapped In The Closet, but more edgier less comical. And it won’t even have to limit the artist, if they are creative enough. Like they could have a party track but that club banger has to be relevant to the story. So the chick he popped champagne on is the same chick he rapped about 2-3 tracks ago. You feel me? I want it flow and connect so well that someone could listen to the album and write a screenplay from it. Let’s take it to that level. If that happens, then purchasing the Kanye album will be well worth it.

Viva la resistance!!

Hugo Chavez has remained in power after yesterday’s elections. While Hugo will be President of Venezuela till 2012, his party maintained the political strong hold on the country. Chavez’s crew did lose some major holdings in key states. This will thwart his plans on rewriting the constitution to extend his reign. Why am I reportin all this? Because I feel like playin the boogie man. Venezuela is allied with Russia and Iran, so if Chavez’s group stays in control they are very likely to give Iran bases to launch air strikes on the U.S. And then we are gonna have a world war 3 and then everyone is gonna blow everyone up because everybody is stupid and doesn’t know anythin about diplomacy. Maybe the brown men will do what the white man did and invade countries, renaming everything, rape their women, enslave the people, you know the usual. Small pox might make a comeback. Put it on the blankets and give it to the people so they don’t get cold on their trail of tears. ORRR Obama can be the voice of reason and keep everyone with the safeties on. Please don’t consider me naïve. Naïve is believing that Hussein had WMDs and planned on using them against us.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh matey!

But not everyone lives in the present. Can you believe there are still pirates? Not the digital ones that steal some music, movies, etc. Like hardcore “hop on your ship and take you hostage" pirates. Yea man, that’s the job to have while in a recession. Hop on a ship, take the crew hostage, and then demand ransom for the ship owner. $2 milli a pop? Only need bout 8-10 people in on the operation. And they from third world countries, so they livin like billionaires after they get paid. Why don’t ships come with some anti pirate technology? When are we gonna develop some defense shields like the shit we see in Star Trek? Being a pirate should be obsolete by now. And while we’re at it. So should prostitution. When are they gonna make 24 hour clones? You choose the features you want the girl to have, how long you need her for (24 hours is the limit), and then you go to town. These nerds need to pick up the slack in the technological developments.

Return of the mystery meat

Some people don’t think we are in a recession still (they musta took the same econ classes as McCain), so here is a video to solidify that this country is fucked.

Damn, Spam? The same thing we call unsolicited emails that we receive? That’s what people are goin back to? Fuck, that’s almost worse than drinkin motor oil in the desert cuz you thirsty. To each his own. I fuck with corn beef cuz goulash (North American style) be on point.

There really is a "Get Out Of Jail" free card

What is with Presidential pardons? Please enlighten me if I am misunderstandin any of this shit. But a person fucks up and gets thrown in jail, then the President can free them off the kindness of their heart? I thought the point of being is jail is because you broke the law and you have to pay for it. Like if he was givin pardons to those that were falsely accused, that would be cool. But to convicted criminals? I’m assumin there is a level of how bad the crime was before he can’t pardon them. I would hope that there isn’t a mass murderer runnin around because Clinton decided that he was “reformed”. I mean, that’s what I would do. Just be on my best behavior while in prison, so that the minute I get pardoned it’s a wrap. Killin niggas for fun!!!

Mischa Barton is useless

You know what the useless in LA do? Besides write blogs, jackass. They make useless comments. I know, same difference. But the super useless make super useless comments and become even more useless by gettin mad. Take child star now super useless nobody Mischa Barton. Apparently due to the fact she isn’t doing what actress normally do for work (which is act) she is tryin to get into the designer headband business. I hope none of my east coast friends are lame enough to start doin this dumb shit. Wait wait wait. I know I said I was gonna bring the sweatband back but that’s cuz it looks cool on ME!. I don’t want some hippie lookin chick rollin up on me talkin bout peace and love. Bitch this ain’t the 70s. Anyways, Mischa is mad because Nicole Richie has decided to launch her own line of designer headbands and Mischa feels like Nicole is just copyin her. I wonder if Tommy Hil and Ralph get into these kinda squabbles. “I was gonna bring suede back but Tommy stole my idea, boo hoo, now I can’t buy that chrome Veyron that I wanted.” If you feel like I just wasted some brain cells with this post, I apologize. There will be some boobies to make up for it. Or a funny video. I don’t know what’s goin on here.

When cute outfits wear ugly girls

What is Paris Hilton wearin? And why am I turned on by the outfit? If this outfit was on any other woman, there would be a mess right now on my computer. For those that haven’t heard (or don’t care), Paris and her boyfriend Benji are done. They are still “good friends” which means they are prolly fuckin with no strings attached. Stay tuned for the reunion. Seriously tho, Paris Hilton doesn’t do it for me. I’m seriously picturing the outfit on another face and body.

American Music Awards pics

Here are some pictures from the AMAs last night because good pictures make up for bad blogging. Hey, is Rihanna preggers? She’s lookin a bit full in the face.