I see you

So I use the Google Analytics app to figure out how much traffic is going to my site, and I must say I’m kinda impressed but not. On one hand, I’ve had visitors (one time) from Minnesota, Wisconsin, Toronto, Saudi Arabia, and Australia. They might have accidently reached my site, but at least it gives me hope that someone worthy (a writer for the Daily Show perhaps?) will stumble upon my homely site and give me an offer I can’t refuse. On the other hand, I’m not seeing activity from areas which I would expect: California, Jersey, Florida, and D.C. which just pisses me off. If your friends don’t support ya, who will? Speakin of will, I’ll make sure not to include anyone that lives in those areas.

Not breast fed long enough

Here is some news for ya: Teen plots to murder mom and use the money for breast implants for his girlfriend. Now I know some guys don’t really bond with their mothers well (like Eminem for instance) but you would seriously kill your mother just to throw some Ds on your bitch? Your mother? YOUR? MOTHER? It would make more sense to kill your girlfriend’s mother for not having good genetics and not blessing her right. But you would kill your mother, the one that brought you into this world so that you could have a girlfriend? Glad they caught his dumb ass, too bad they can’t give him the chair.

Who is killin them in the UK?

I HATE THE SYNTHESIZED VOICE OVER SHIT THAT EVERYONE IS DOING. But I can’t stop fuckin with Kanye’s Love Lockdown or as I call it, LLD. Ugh, so catchy. I hope he doesn’t win any awards for it. Hahaha. Now Kanye gonna write me talkin bout why don’t I wanna see a black man get a chance? Because that shit is played out!!! If it wasn’t for the incredible beat….All respect to Kanye though. Hottest rapper in the game in my opinion. Correction. Hottest musician. Nah mean, cuz like even though he is a rapper, his music transcends a genre. Everybody fucks with Kanye. EVERYBODY. 50 year old white women buy Kanye’s music. That’s some crazy shit. So for him not to win a handful of awards every year in my opinion is bullshit. They give it to someone else who can only sell 5 million in their demographic, instead of the man who sells 3 million across the board. That’s not how music is supposed to be. Great music is supposed to be enjoyed by everyone. And everyone likes Kanye. I think what hurts his image is his ego. Being a Leo, I know all about having a huge ego. A little bit of humility never hurt anyone right? But he is a celebrity, and if having a huge ego keeps him in people’s mouths (no homo) then it’s good publicity. Now, the song that will be stuck in your head all day:

Go Deep

So my favorite rapper (it flip flops between him and Nas), Cam’ron, has released a song called “Bottom of the Pussy Hole” or as I call it, BOTPH, which is a hilarious track. Tryin to sound apologetic for what he has done to women in the past, but you know the whole time he was recording the song he was smirkin. If you don’t know where he got the idea from, here is a video for you to enjoy. By far the funniest shit I’ve heard come out a woman’s mouth and the TRUEST shit too. I have screwed many women into slavery lmao.

Back to the drawing board

The Bailout Bill (or BOB, see I got one right!) failed again. I’m not an economist or financial planner. But why can’t they give the money back to the people? That way we can invest back into the market. Possibly pay off any debts that we have, stimulate the economy a little bit. I’m talkin with a bit of selfishness right now, cuz I already know what a stimulus check will do…delay the collapse of our economy. So instead, why not use it to pay off debts owed to the banks and institutions? I mean, isn’t that basically what we are proposing to do now minus the erasing of the consumers debt? I’m glad the bill is gettin shot down, cuz I think it’s entirely lame that they plan on bailing out the banks but we still have to pay the banks too. So now they are gonna get paid twice; once directly from me, the second indirectly from me (through my taxes)? What the fuck man. I seriously can’t understand how this government operates. Which is the reason they are there and I’m here, because I don’t know how to run a country. But I mean, can someone at least tell me why my idea won’t work?

Update: My roommate came home and we had a small discussion about this and I guess it comes down to the reason we HAVE to bail out these banks and companies is because if we don't and they decide "well, I'm not gonna work for anything less, so fuck it, I'll retire instead", the country is truly gonna be fucked. We need these guys to work because this is where all the money is held up and if they go broke and quit, the economy will really suffer. Is there any counter point to this?

P poppin

So it looks like a Britney Spears Sex Tape or a BSST may be comin out soon. Her ex-beau, Adnan Ghalib, is lookin to sell to the highest bidder. Which usually means Red Light videos will scoop it up, and it will be on the internet within 24 hours. I’m kinda conflicted on this tape. On one hand, I wanna see it…badly. It’s Britney Spears mannnn!!! But it was during her “crazy” period. And if I wanted to watch crazy people have sex, I’d watch Crackheads Gone Wild (that’s a real video, craziest thing I’ve watched in my life). So, I’m hyped but not. Hope he doesn’t get a dime and just releases it regardless.


The Rant Is Due Muthafucka or TRIDM…now I really like that (pronounced tridim, like FIDM)

M is for Monday and Mmmmm Dania Ramirez

I love Mondays. No really, I do. A) It’s a day closer to retirement. B) Entourage was on yesterday. C) Heroes is on today and I get to see my backup wife (if Salma and I go sour) Dania Ramirez. D) It is the beginning of a new week, which can bring a lot of triumph and failures. And I love failures because that’s how I learn. Not so much Monday Night Football, because I don’t watch football till the playoffs (and I don’t have cable still lol). Alright, enough of the cloud 9 bullshit. Let’s get into some action.

She's a very freaky girl, don't take home to momma...

AUBREY O'DAY from Diddy’s pop/R&B group Danity Kane recently gave an interview to Complex magazine. I just wanna quote a few things the briz-od said:

Complex: Well, when you’re out at clubs, you must get approached in an aggressive way.

Aubrey O’Day: I think urban guys look at me and are like, “Here’s the white girl I’m gonna fuck.” Like, I met a famous basketball player the other night.

Why didn’t she just say “black dudes” or “niggas”? I woulda given her a pass, being Diddy’s sex toy and all. Urban guys, lmao, I think that’s worse. Like all black dudes live in the city.

Complex: So when people hear you’re best friends with Jenna Jameson, they think—

Aubrey O’Day: —I’m going to do sex tapes and porn. Jenna and I never even talk about porn. I think one time Jenna and I had a conversation about having sex on your period.

She goes on to mention that she doesn’t mind have sex on her period, my kinda girl. Just lay the towel down and let’s keep it going!
And the girl loves her porn:

Complex: Guys are always curious about girls and porn.

Aubrey O’Day: I usually watch black guys doing white girls, that’s my little fetish, even though in real life race isn’t a factor for me. Really, I’m more turned on by watching the girls than the guys. I love someone who looks like they’re really into sex.

We have a winner ladies and gents, and it’s all bullshit when she says “race isn’t a factor”. I mean her callin Lupe Fiasco her future hubby and gettin involved with “urban guys”, we already know she’s the milk in a lot of dudes’ coffees. So Ms. O’Day come holla at this urban dweller, lol.

Cute as a button

I musta missed this being outta town (and tired) last week, but it appears our adorable VPILF had an interview with Katie Couric last week. If you missed it here is a recap:


Lmao, ok so maybe that’s not exactly how it went down. But judging from this article in Time, I don’t think the skit was too far off. All I know is that when she came on the scene, I said (and most of you already knew) that she was to garner female votes and wouldn’t be a real VP in the sense of doing any VP like duties. If you Republicans can still respect McCain for choosing her, then you are beyond ignorance and help. The woman is nothin but eye candy, dangled in front of everyone to help sway voters. Even McCain is starting to correct the things she says (he retracted her stance on Pakistan). God forbid McCain wins and dies, this is the person set to run our country? A high school track coach with no legs could “run” our country better than her lol (the underlying jokes in that last sentence reminds you why I’m the shit at this bloggin game!!!)

Funny politics

Don’t piss off David; it’s just not a good look for your campaign.


And while I’ve tried to break down the election and simplify who to vote for, Chris Rock has made it even simpler. Vote for the guy with one house, because if he loses his house – he’s homeless. If you vote for the guy with 12 houses, he can lose 5 of them and still be alright. What more needs to be said?

2009 SI Calendar

Sports Illustrated are takin their number one dame and giving her a calendar! Me, I’m not too much into Marisa Miller. Her tits are nice, but her face is boyish and her ass is nonexistent (now there are some pics where it’s nice and cute, and there are some pics where it’s flat as an ironing board, so to me that means nonexistent). If you wanna buy it, get it from Amazon. Here are some pics, more at the site here.

Wedding Bells

It appears Ryan Reynolds (totally shitty actor in my opinion) and Scarlett Johansson (total babe but shitty actress (as of late) in my opinion) have gotten married. Nothin special, no wedding pics, just wanted you to be in the know so that you have somethin to discuss at the water cooler today, lol.

Modern Miracles

Video first:


The beauty of stem cell research. I’m just glad other countries are experimenting with it and aren’t gettin all high and mighty in their convictions about whether it’s ethical or not. There are a lot of unethical things we do in this country that HURT people on a day to day basis. Now we have the ability to help and heal, and now we wanna draw the lines. Fuck off, that’s why I still purchase stocks of companies dedicated to this kinda research. Might save MY life some day.

Mean muggin

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Don't look unless your boss sits far away from you

And I know that Mondays might not be as good for you as they are for me, so here is a little 'boob'ster to kick off your week:

So where are the pics? Well I decided that since I can't tailor the blog to just show the title and not the contents, it's better to play it safe than get you fired lol. So if you want to start your Monday off right, you'll have to go here. Oh, and don't worry, it's not nude. Just border line.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

THERES NO WAY THAT CAN BE RIGHT!!!

Ok, so this is a tricky video to watch. It’s dumb long and unbelievably funny in the first minute. Then the shit is so corny, you’ll prolly shoot ME in the face. BUT. BUT BUT BUT. At the end it ties together nicely and is funny. If you want to watch the end, you can’t skip to the end because it won’t be as funny. You have to watch the entire thing. Or you can just watch the first few moments. Either way, you’ll be amused and have a new catch phrase.

Still ducking

I’ma talk politics, because the debates might not happen and I said I wouldn’t talk politics till the debates happened. But if they not gonna happen, then I can talk politics, capiche? Did that fry your noodle? Good. So McCain is bailing out so he can go work on the bail out. Bitchassness or real dedication to his people of AZ? I call bitchassness. Multiple reasons. A) It’s not a bill that only affects the people of AZ. I don’t feel like the rest of Congress is waiting on what John McCain thinks before they push forward. B) He really should be able to multitask. Handle some of the bail out in the morning, then debate about it during the evening. He could even use some ammo against Obama and say like “today during the bail out meeting, Obama said that he wants included in the provisions, a tax increase for everyone under the poverty line.” Of course that would be a blatant lie, but that hasn’t stopped McCain before. C) Everything is already set up. People have spent millis on setting the debates up and since money doesn’t stretch like it used to, it would be a good look for McCain NOT to waste any money. And besides, didn’t he think that our “economy was fundamentally strong”? Hahahah. That’s why you lose points buddy. (That's the kinda foresight we need in our President, maybe Nigeria will have WMDs too). D) It makes him look like he's all talk. Past couple weeks the dog has been howling at standin across from Obama and battling him. Now it comes down to it, and his ghost writer has the flu. lol. All talk.

More bitchassness

Ok, so maybe Bill Clinton thinks McCain is a better choice than Obama, everyone is entitled to their opinion. But if he is gonna live in a different house, THEN HIS BITCH ASS SHOULD MOVE TO A DIFFERENT HOUSE. Don’t sit and claim Democrat but be dick riding the Republicans. Don’t play this politics bullshit with us Bill, because if Obama loses, don’t think we gonna give Hilary a chance in ’12. You better mind your manners old man…I’ll kick your ass.

Stewart and Colbart interview

Jon Stewart in Entertainment Weekly interview said: “We were in this huge credit crisis, out of money. Then the Fed goes, We'll give you a trillion dollars, and all of a sudden Wall Street is like, ''I can't believe we got away with it!'' Can you imagine if someone said, ''I shouldn't have bought that sports car because it means I can't have my house,'' and the bank just said, ''All right, you can have your house. And you know what? Keep the car.'' [He throws up his arms joyfully and shouts] ''Yeaaaaah, I get to keep the car! Wait, do I have to give the money back?'' ''No, it doesn't matter.'' ''Yeah, I'm gonna get another car! I'm gonna do the same thing the same way, except twice as f---ed up!''

Exactly.

Goth is still cool?

I was gonna end the Rant early till I came across this video:

I mean, ok, I understand that parents are supposed to defend they child. But come on. It is a distraction because NORMAL BOYS DON’T WEAR MAKEUP!!! Ok, I lie. Sometime you’ll find me with lipstick on….my dick lmao. But that’s it. Tell this fassy boy to lose the makeup and pick up some pads. No, not knee pads, football!!

Now go enjoy your Friday!

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

If sleep is the cousin of death, then I'm into incest cuz I FUCKS with sleep lmao

Ignore that into. Goodness, it’s late. I gotta get up eventually tomorrow. This might be the shortest Rant ever. Might just call it the Ra. Damn, I was gonna say somethin funny in this intro. O yea! If you’re last name is Beech (yes, sounds just like how it looks), maybe workin as a school teacher isn’t a good idea. Kids yellin “Ms. Beech, Ms. Beech” with their Spanish accents, is highly amusing to me and to the kids. Because you know one of them is gonna slip and say “Ms. Bitch” lmao. Word of advise.

Church of R. Kelly

This man (a preacher) says that the age of consent for a girl is “puberty”. Then he was asked if he would have sex with a pre-teenager, his response was “define pre-teenager? Are we talking 10, 9, or 8.” The collection plate is really a tray full of condoms which you are suppose to take from. Dirty muthafuckas.

God Bless America

Everyone is cryin bout the recession hittin hard. I say, you right. It does suck. My money ain’t worth shit around the world. But the strippers still take it. So fuck all the worrying. Unless you lost your job or work in an industry that is cutting back on jobs (heads turn over to Wall St.) then ride this bitch out like dem boyz in Louie-si-ana (tried to add a southern drawl) do a hurricane. I just bought me a new shirt from Express today and a new cologne from Macy’s. Because if I’ma go out, then I’ma go out in style bitches! And regardless of what people say about how our economy or country is in shambles…we ain’t got shit on the overall state of China:

I mean damn. She gave her child away AND she sellin her titty milk? Damn. I can’t wrap my head around it…I would wrap my lips around her nipples tho. What? I’m thirsty damn it! Lmao.

And this is exactly what I was talkin bout yesterday (not sure if it was a Rant or on someone’s Facebook note), but fuck bailing out the banks. BAIL ME OUT!!!

O, and Bush has somethin to say.

You bastards are makin this harder than it needs to be...

Arrrghhhh, I said no politics but I don’t want people to say I’m playin favorites (even though I am) but Biden and Obama voted for the “Bridge to Nowhere”. Everybody makes mistakes, right? Look at Palin’s daughter. HAHAHAHA, burn bitch, I got you good. You think I was gonna attack my Boys in Blue and not you too? (Damn, that shit rhymed. Who do you know rhymes in they blogs, besides the people with blogs about poetry lol).

Makin the road safer, one less text at a time

The Governator just passed a bill makin texting while driving illegal! Yes, now if he’ll just sign a bill that makes it illegal to drive while being old, Mexican, or Korean. HAHAHAHAHAHA. O, you get mad, but you don’t want me to really rant about them cuz I’ll make this site get shut down and all my fans will be sad. Matter of fact, fuck it. I’ll get on them, just not tonight…super tired.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Pressure

Must…get….sleep. My eyes are bloodshot. I look like a Rasta at a Marley concert. I feel like retiring from this blog shit. Lol. I really understand how Chappelle felt now. I could imagine the pressure if someone paid me $50 milli and said be this funny EVERYDAY. Fuck, I’m only funny 10% of the time. The other 90% are pictures of breasts. Which doesn’t really help reel in female readers, unless they are bisexual and those are the only girls I want reading my post, so I guess it all does work out. Maybe I won't quit my day job...wait, this isn't my day job!

Talkin about The Man (uh oh)

There is a website called, Things White People Like. I think they should take it one step further and call it Things White People Like To Do. First entry: Fart in public (usually in crowded areas). Now I’m not sayin that other races don’t fart in public, but we just make sure the collateral damage is low. I was up in the club last week and this dude who was drunk beyond stupidity just kept talkin to me with that monkey slang (“What up dog?”, “Where the hoes at?!?”, “Let’s go dance up on these bitches” Like that’s how niggas talk…he needs to turn that TV off). And he wouldn’t stop pestering me. So we go dance with some girls and then all of a sudden he runs off (not really run, but tries to exit slyly) and a second later me and the girls are all gaspin for air. That boy’s ass was somethin you would find in a lab. Pure sulfur. But ya’ll be doin that shit man. Be in a muthafuckin airplane to Salt Lake City with 3 white people in front of me, 2 next to me, and 3 behind me (cuz ain’t no black people in Utah) and someone decides not to head to the restroom. Sulfur. You know how you can stomach some farts, like you just control your breathing so that the whiff you take isn’t too deep? Nah, these the farts if you breath in you either die, or kill the nigga next to you because you think they did it (but chances are it came from a further distance, makin me wonder how bad was it at the origin?).

Cops play GTA too

Nothin else to say, lmao.

Fashion police

Emmy’s just passed, so you know there is always a list of best and worst dressed. Since you prolly reading this at work, here is a way to kill 20mins. I wonder if they buy these dresses and keep them. Or just rent them? And if they do keep them, you know they can’t wear it more than once, so how long before they come out the closet?

Duh

Well in Clay Aiken’s case, 5 years. HAHAHA, I’m tellin you. I’m so nice with the word play it’s ridiculous. Michael Phelps of this blog shit. Yes ladies and gents, he finally told us what we already knew. Even with that bullshit baby mama, he couldn’t fool anyone. So he decided to give up and tell people the truth:



















As my nigga Riley from The Boondocks would say: "Ill nigga, you gay!" hahahahaha.

It still works!

Guess who else is havin twins? Jenna Jameson. Her kids won’t be born until next year, so she is officially after the trend (didn’t the bitch get the memo? 2008 is the year of the twin babies). But the twins doesn’t surprise me. What does is the fact that sperm can actually swim up to her uterus. Most sperm are built to swim up a girl’s vag comparable to your local pond. No real obstacle, no real challenge. Sperm travelin up Jameson is akin to you swimming up Niagara Falls. Rocks and all. I guess that’s why she’s fuckin with Tito Ortiz (UFC champ), because his sperm HAS be to be on steroids and are used to the constant abuse of “accidental” nut jabs when fighting.

Fabric Softener milk

I’m all for groups and their ideals, but extremist groups should be disbanded. Take PETA for instance. Their members are known for destroying people’s fur coats and harassment of others, etc. But their latest thing, while non violent, is down right absurd. They have sent a letter to Ben and Jerry’s suggestin that they use breast milk instead of cow milk. Huh? What the fuck? Now I love sippin on the finest Cambodian breast milk with my meal from time to time, but to have it in my ice cream? That’s just nasty. What are they gonna call that flavor? “A Teet’s treat”? Just absurd.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Coming to you live from your basement

Damn tired. Who schedules a flight out to a city the day of and expects you to work as soon as you land? My stupid ass company does. Who then cancels the appointment but still makes you fly out at 7:40am not realizing that you have to be at the airport around 6:40am and you don’t live a block from the airport, you actually live about 20 minutes away without traffic, but you live in LA so there is always traffic and you not gonna dump your car at the long term parking cuz it will cost too much by the end of the week (even though you could just charge the company for it), so you decide to park your car at a friends house who lives 5 mins from the airport, but you still have to meet the taxi there to take you to the airport, so you factor all that in and decide to wake up at 5:30am, and you usually shower to wake you up but you had to shower last night because if you showered this morning you would have to wake up at 4:30am? My stupid ass company does.

Define "teenager"

I didn’t watch the R. Kelly interview, but I’m guessin he said some foul shit cuz there’s been a lot of "black"lash against it. Here is Funkmaster Flex gettin in his two sense:

But Flex has always been a senseless nigga to me, so fuck him. But it appears there was another interview conducted that wasn’t aired, but you can see it right here:


Hahahaha, Lil’ Duval is a nut.

Debates

No more real politics till the debate (this Friday). But here’s a link to help you brush up on the issues and each candidate’s stance.

A bitch slap for a bitch

Bill Clinton is a bitch. O wait he is part black. Bill Clinton is a bitch ass nigga. He really has some bitchassness flowin thru his veins right now. How he gonna say, don’t attack Palin, there’s no reason to get negative. And that he likes both candidates and wouldn’t mind seein either one in office? Word Bill? You gonna play us like that? Yo plantation slave driver ass was tryin to HANG Obama when he was runnin up against Hilary, but now you say let’s play fair when goin up against the Republicans (which is bullshit, because it’s not like the Dems have been that scathing or outright lyin in their attacks). That’s some real bitch made shit right there, I’m so mad. I would punch that dude in his face if I saw him. Fuck him and his Secret Service. Maybe he’s gettin a “secret service” from Palin, that’s why he’s all chill now. Real recognize real and Bill you lookin might unfamiliar right now. I do recall havin our first “black” president back in the 90s but I think he died in that plane crash that Barker and DJ AM were in. The time we need him to rally behind Obama and reminds us of the days we had a Democratic President and now he wanna get all wishy washy.

Crazy times

A panhandler (aka homeless bum) shot a man today because he didn’t give her money (she woulda shot him again in the head, but the gun malfunctioned). A witness says that the guy first said “No”, and then told the bum to “get a job”. This story sadly is what I was thinkin about today at work. Still hot of the heels of people not feelin sympathy for the common man, and more concerned about the “socialistic” approach of the Democratic Party, I was thinkin about how this country would be if everybody had to fend for themselves. He’s prolly one of those types who feel he works hard for his money, so why can’t they? Why should he put into a system that helps those who are down on hard times? Like I mentioned before, I’m not for a system that helps people that don’t do shit and just sit around. And the government doesn’t work like that. But of course, there are always people who take advantage of the system (rich and poor alike). But when you start gettin into the territory of people should help themselves instead of lookin for the government (especially when the government was created “by the people, for the people”) to help, you have to understand that some people need that help. Some people need the help of gettin a place to live after being foreclosed on. Some people need the help when they work for Wal-Mart 60+ hours a week, but can’t afford to take their kid to the emergency room when their child is shitting blood. And when you decide not to help these people out, you paint them in a corner and that’s when the natural instincts come out. The worse person to go up against is a person that has nothin lose. They don’t give a fuck. Death is probably a better alternative to them. They’ve lost it all and don’t give two shits about takin it from you, especially when you look down on them. Lettin people govern themselves would prolly work great with just 13 colonies and a population of New York City, with no ties to the rest of the world. But this is (was?) a global superpower and needs a government in place to maintain that status. And you can’t maintain that status when you have people lookin like they live in a third world country just with more clothes. And we should ease gun control laws too right? Maybe the next bum will have a Chopper and just mow down the whole sidewalk.

Celebrities

Looks like Miley Cyrus wants to quit Disney….I feel like a homemade porn tape is gonna get “stolen” from her house pretty soon.















Some people take bad pics….others are Tiffani Thiessen (Kelly from Saved By The Bell)



















Woof!

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Wait, stop the tape. I never thought seein my bride to be (Hayek) and the woman that satisfied my needs (Vergara), while wifey was getting banged by frenchie, together would be a good idea…until now:

Mi amor.

Happy Monday

Have you ever packed for a trip, and packed a day short for your visit. Like you planned on being gone for 3 days but you only packed 2 days of underwear? And you don't realize this till the day of and you can't go buy more underwear cuz this was a work related trip so you gotta be at the site at a certain time. What the hell do you do? I mean, this hasn't happened to me, but I was just wondering. What? I'm tellin you, the story was hypothetical..I don't even wear underwear to begin with! lol.

Kung Pow Kitty

Why do Asians act so conceited? I mean it’s not even good enough to be Asian to get some love from another Asian; you have to be from the same Asian country! This especially holds true for the women. Asian girls don’t fuck with nobody that ain’t grow up in the same neighborhood they grandparents did. Which is sad and mind bottling, cuz if they went to a public school you’d think they would know better. And it’s not just Asians that do this. Light skinned Latinos don’t fuck with dark skin Latinos. I’m pretty sure there are some Africans who don’t fuck with each other because of the tribal differences within the same country. But at least when I get rejected by a girl from another ethnicity, they make me feel it’s because I’m too ugly for them. Asian girls make me feel like I’m beneath them, like what was I thinkin talkin to them. And they should be the last group to act like that. White folks been racist from the jump so that’s their excuse. Mexicans have their own people to choose from (with more crossing the border each day, their choices are endless! Lol). But Asian girls are an ocean away from gettin some homegrown dick. So why act all fussy? I’m just as good as her Asian boyfriend. My kung fu is just as good. My drifting skills are as nice. And he prolly couldn’t see me in karaoke. The only real difference between me and an Asian guy is that my dick is bigger. No laughs. It’s a fact. Don’t believe me? Rent a big dick Asian porn and then rent a big dick, actually just rent a regular black porn. You’ll never look at a black man the same again. Lmao. O boy, what the hell am I gettin into? I think my point is made. Asian girls should loosen up…and I’m the guy to do the loosening. Lol.

ANOTHER Jesus sighting

See, this is that bullshit I was complaining about before. I’m just waiting, JUST WAITING, till someone takes a shit and says they see the Virgin Mary in it (oh, you thought I was gonna get blasphemous? Not on your life or mine lol).

Barker - DJ AM crash

Blink-182’s Travis Baker and DJ AM were in a deadly plane crash this past weekend. How deadly? Everybody died but them. That’s fuckin crazy. A witness says he saw them outside the plane takin off their flaming clothes. I don’t know their conditions, but it sounds like some skin grafting may be needed. Prayers go out to them and to the love ones of the people that didn’t make it. (pics from CNN)

Here we go again

No real politics today (I’m exhausted from Friday’s rant), but I will say this. The richest man in the country wants a Democrat. Taxes never stopped anyone from becoming rich. They won’t stop me from becoming rich because the way I see it, I hate payin taxes now and I’ll hate payin taxes then. But at least I’ll have more money left over regardless of how much more I have to pay. If I pay 10% and I make $2000, I’ll still have more when I make $300,000 and have to pay 50% (and 50% is a high number but let’s be reckless AND I’ll prolly have an accountant who will figure out a way for me to pay less and get more money back, that’s how the rich stay rich, so I’ll prolly end up payin closer to 25%). On the flip side the Waltons (Wal-Mart) are big Republicans...and we already know about Wal-Mart (I shop there from time to time, no lie, but I would never let anyone I know work there (discount prices, discount wages and benefits)).

So now it appears that some voting machines in the swing states are malfunctioning…What else is fuckin new? What I don’t understand is that these machines have been fuckin up since the last election but nobody has stepped in to fix them. Haha, I like the word ‘fix’ because that’s a word I think we will see a lot of this election if one state’s voters aren’t properly accounted for. Whoever wins, I want it to be fair and no second guessing. There should be a federal law mandating this. But then it would prolly require a department to regulate it. And it will need people in this department to work. And they would require salaries. And then that would require an increase in taxes. And then people would complain the government is getting to big and we pay too many taxes…sigh, I guess this next election will be fixed too then.

The real life Mist

Is it just me, or has anyone else breathe a sigh of relief that the world’s largest particle collider is broken? All I know is that shit ain’t safe. One minute they are creating small galaxies, next thing you know we have creatures from a parallel universe invading our own. I seen enough sci-fi movies to know how this shit goes down. Sure the government will come in at the end and save the day, but I don’t want to spend the day running away from flying grasshopper-rats!

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

The nose bleed of nose bleeds

So I guess I got worked up today. I apologize for this super rant. The rant to end it all. I may retire after today. I don't claim to be a politician, nor do I claim to be an economics guru. I just understand how the world turns. I understand what makes it spin. I understand what part everybody plays and when one person doesn't play their part, it crumbles. I understand the human being. I understand what needs to be fulfilled in order to keep them a decent citizen in society. I also understand how easy it is for them to end up on the opposite side of the coin. This rant stems from me being disturbed from other people's thought process. I tried my best to break it down (I know how you like your baby food) and to keep it coherent, so forgive me if it ends up being coheRANT (lol, I should be a rapper the way I play these words like a football jock does cheerleaders! (Damn I'm nice)). So enjoy The Rant, so raw that if you grounded it up and snorted it, you'd be taken to a heaven like none other lol. Or just die.

Socialism? Communism? Asshole-ism

Life isn't fair. That’s the bottom line. And it never will be. A government that is supposed to be for the people is in place to try to make life as fair as possible. You don't wanna increase taxes the rich for making money, fine. The common fear is it will make people not want to work as hard to make money. I see. But taxing someone who doesn’t make shit to begin with is fine, because everybody has to pay taxes. I’m really confused by this because going by that logic pretty much means, if you are poor, too bad? So then what’s the point of the government? If it isn’t going to serve its people, we should just rule ourselves. So who will be the people in power? Of course the rich people, they have more resources. Sounds like a plan. Let’s live in a world controlled by the rich. Wait, that sounds like how we live now. Has it worked? Eh, I guess it depends on how much money you make. So what do we do about the poor people? Kill them? Ship them to an island? But who is going to babysit your kids when you go to your $25K dinner tonite? Isabella is gone, you had her killed for being poor, remember?

Ok, so we need poor people. But we don’t want to help them become rich? Hypocrites. I love it when people say “nobody help me get rich, I busted my ass to get where I’m at.” Like they lived in a cave alllll by themselves, and didn’t go to school (they must been self educated), and grew all they food, and made all their clothes. They didn’t need anything from anybody. All by themselves. HA, humans can be so full of themselves sometimes and I know because I’m a Leo lol. Or I also like when people say “I studied hard, got good grades, went to good schools, and got a good job. If I can do it, why can’t they?” Well for starters 80% of the people that say this: A) Had a good support structure at home (even if you came from a single parent household, you still had aunts and uncles and naanas that looked after ya snotty nose ass) B) Lived in a decent neighborhood C) Had ambitious peers to help guide them along. So yeah, it probably was easy for you to focus on school since the rest of your life wasn’t in shambles. “I don’t see why I have to work hard in order to help someone who doesn’t work at all.” This argument is about the only valid-ish (meaning it’s not necessarily valid, but it has some “valid” like characteristics) statement. Why should I work hard for someone else to live off of? Well blame the founding fathers for that. They got tired of the King havin all the gold and the pussy and enjoyin the hell outta life, so they decided that the next person that will run their lives will do it with their best interests in mind. “But but but, nowhere in the Constitution does it say ‘the right to welfare’ or ‘the right to collect unemployment checks’”. True it doesn’t, but when all this was being discussed back when they were tryin to figure out who should rule, the main theme (idea) was that everyone should have the right to enjoy a standard of decent living. Meaning that, while not everyone would own a horse and carriage with gold horse shoes and spinning wagon wheels, everybody would be able to use some form of transportation to get from one place to another. While everyone may not eat caviar as a midnight snack after clubbing till 4am, everyone would have somethin in their fridge to eat. “So what does that do with me? Why am I payin?” Well since the government can’t really charge you for the services it provides, it has to collect money from someone. That’s what taxes are all about. Why pay taxes to begin with? Well the government doesn’t expect you or the citizens to rally together and raise $400 milli for a “bridge to nowhere”. I mean, it’s not like the rich needed a bridge (he just bought a jet and put it on the government’s tab). The government also uses money to help people purchase food. You can’t go into a supermarket and purchase Angus beef with your welfare card, but you can get some Hamburger Helper.

Everybody hates the idea of spending billions on saving lives (universal healthcare), but spending billions to take lives (war) is a great fuckin idea. Simply put, ya’ll disgust me. To feel no sympathy for someone else because it doesn’t directly affect you…I can’t even put into words. Don’t vote Obama. Fine. Don’t vote McCain either. Put your name on the ballot, and vote for yourself.

Hands off bitch! (That's english for lassiez-faire)

I wonder how these “anti-socialist” want the country to be ran. And let’s not get it twisted. I’m not for a society that rewards people that don’t do shit. I roll my window up to homeless people holding a sign next to my car, but if a nigga is playin an instrument or street performing, I enjoy the entertainment and keeps it movin! Lmao. Nah, if I have spare change, I’ll give it. But to say that the government shouldn’t play any role in how people live or regulates industry is absurd. If the government didn’t have regulations for businesses there would be 2 drink (soft drinks, alcohol, water, you name it) manufacturers. Pepsi and Coke. And they would charge you $30 for a 2 liter and there wouldn’t be shit for you to do about it. Oh, you gonna make your own drink? Well that’s cool. You gonna bottle it too? Very nice. Then you gonna sell it for a profit? Ha, SIKE. Because one of the two would buy you out for $100k. Oh, you not gonna sell? Then they’ll market their own drink in a way to run you out of business. You sell your drink for $5, they’ll sell it for $4. You come down to $2; they’ll go to $1 and throw in a free lap dance from the cola girls. Then as soon as you wave the white flag because it’s costing you more to make the damn drink, they raise their prices right back up to $30.

Witty one liners

Another thing I love about politics is when one line is taken from a candidate and is put into a blender set at puree and made into a smoothie. You know what I’m talkin about. Like when Biden says “We want to take money and put it back in the pocket of middle-class people," and then people say it’s communism (lol, yea, I had to do it, still got love for ya tho). Well either the Burger King is writing Biden’s speeches or the King himself is a communist (doesn’t he wear a red robe?) because the new ad campaign centers on the King “putting money back in your wallets.” Guess it’s back to McDonalds for some people. I sure hope Obama doesn’t dress his kids up for Halloween because that could very well lose him the election. “Yeah, the girls dressed up as witches and went trick-or-treating with their mother” would soon become headlines: “Obama believes in witchcraft, admits daughters dress like witches with their mother”. So absurd, then everyone would vote for McCain…the Devil lol.

It's as simple as apples and oranges

If you bought a Dodge made car and it has given you hell for the past 8 years and you had the opportunity to buy a new car, would you buy another Dodge? Everything Dodge promised about the car didn’t come true and it’s been quite the opposite. It’s cost you more money, friends, and your safety when traveling. Now you have the opportunity to buy another car. Are you gonna buy another Dodge but a different model? Because they promised that this model is improved over the last one. That they kinda fixed all the problems in the last model? Yet the platform is still the same, they just provided polished chrome door handles. Or are you going to buy the new Ford model? Last time you bought a Ford was 16 years ago and it ran great (I mean all cars could use improvements, but this did the job well). And you kept it for 8 years and had no problems with it. Everybody loved you, you had money in your pocket, you felt safe traveling, and it gave you the boost of confidence you needed to live a stress free life (stress free is subjective to your driving skills, but you get the point). I know some people that would buy that Dodge. They are branded for life. Once a Dodge owner, always a Dodge owner. Those are the types of people I avoid letting make decisions because they truly are incapable of making logical ones (UNLESSS if they are mechanics, who SPECIALIZE in the field of cars, then I keep my mouth shut). But when mechanics say Dodge is fuckin up, and even people that work for Dodge says Dodge is fuckin up, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BUY A DODGE!!!!! To make the deal sweeter, both companies say they are going to throw in a second car, just in case the first car isn’t doing so great. Ford offers an older model, but still reliable. Dodge offers you a Huffy.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Yeah man...

La di fuckin da. I need somethin new to rant about. This shit is startin to bore me. Economy, sickos, election, celebrities. Same toilet, same shit. Hmmm, o I got it. But before we get into that I’ma finish my intro, lol. Jeez, baseball season is almost over? The sky is getting darker earlier. Ah, summer days are all but gone. Turning in my swim trunks in for a snowboard (what? You ain’t know? Bitch in LA we can do that, and if you time it right, you can do both in the same day!)

Fashion mishap

I ain’t gonna yell, or cuss, or do any of the usual. I just want someone to explain to me American Apparel’s Afrika line. First problem, the patterns. Zig Zags? Isn’t that the cliché African pattern? Like niggas only see in zig zag. Muthafuckas don’t see plaid or dots, or checkers in Africa huh? Zebra, the only fuckin animal in Africa. I wish these “designers” would go to Africa for a year and come back inspired. Make a Hyena designed shirt. Or really impress me with a gazelle themed dressed. I could make one; just wait till next year lol. Second issue, the models. Not one of those bitches on the website look like they are from Africa. They don’t even look Egyptian. Hell, they don’t even look South African!!! The worse offense is the main promo ad they are running. They coulda at least took this bitch to a tanning salon before stickin her bright ass in my face (she does have some nice fabric softeners tho). I think that’s why the patterns are so offensive, is because you have this terrible contrast. 3rd violation, since when is a collection 2 designs over 4 pieces? What kinda lazy horse shit is that? Did someone pull up a scrapbook from their trip to Africa and say, “Hm, maybe we could get designs from the 3 pictures that I took”. Worthless.

I don't make it rain, I just provide an overcast with a chance of rain

Trickin if you got it. So the new recurring theme in hip hop is “It’ ain’t trickin if you got it”. For my readers that aren’t up on the slang, trickin on a girl is when you spend a lot of money on a girl (usually a girl that isn’t your long term girlfriend or wife). Almost everyone’s single has that line in one form or another. Well, it fuckin sucks for the common man like me. I mean, how much do you think a blogger makes a year? All I get is an invoice from Google’s AdSense for NOT ENOUGH clicks. They charge me for everyday I use their service and nobody clicks. I’m like $81 billion in debt…the government is thinkin about bailing me out but then they gonna start writing this shit. You reap what you sow muthafuckas, but back to the topic at hand. It was all good back in the days when guys ain’t really spend money on girls. It was easier to make the little things count. Now my 3 former playboy bunnies have moved back to the mansion because “at least Hugh takes them to Olive Garden.” This wasn’t Holly or the other 2. Hell, these weren’t even centerfolds. These were third string bitches, telling me they out cuz I keep takin them to McDonalds. I AIN’T GOT IT, SO IT’S TRICKIN AND I AIN’T HARRY HOUDINI! The last time we had an epidemic like this was back in the shiny suit days, when Ma$e and Puff made it cool to be flashy. But then came along a man with his dog who made it cool to be grimey. So hopefully the next new rapper will keep it hood again.

Friends with deep pockets

Alright, I give in. More politics. Obama was in my hood yesterday at a dinner party/fundraiser hosted (or thrown) by Barbara Streisand. Of course the Repub. have turned it into another silly non important fiasco about Obama not being in touch with the people. Yeah he partied with celebrities, and yeah they raised 9 milli (dinner was $28K. Yes. Dinner. 28 and 3 zeros behind it. $28,000. It ain’t trickin if you got it), but they are citizens too. I don’t see what’s wrong with a person that can mingle in multiple circles. I can party with just about anyone without feelin uncomfortable or outta place. Haven’t you seen my pics from the KKK rally? Boozin it up and screamin white power! Those guys are cool tho, all Obama supports believe it or not. You know what’s really funny tho? The people that threw Obama this fundraiser and helped him raise money…are the same people he plans on raising their taxes. The last time I helped out someone who planned on screwin me, was at the bar last week. And I bought her two drinks (yea, I was trickin cuz all I was drinkin was water after I bought her those drinks).

It looks like LiLo got in contact with the Obama campaign and offered to help host events catered to young voters. She was told no. hahahahaha. Obviously Obama doesn’t like all celebrities.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Music to my ears

The new Snoop video is wack. Makes me feel like I’m drunk while watchin TV. And all them video hoes are ugly except the Dangerous one. That broad gonna be the next Melissa Ford. Let me work on figuring out who she is….

So did I miss the memo on the new BET line up? Rap City comes on dumb early, then its 2 hours of wack programming before 106 & Park comes on. If it’s a west coast thing, than forgive the rant but Rap City was on at like 3pm (PST) today. Is this BET’s attempt at stopping rap from destroyin our youth? Did they say, “Hey, let’s put all the rap videos during a time slot that kids are either going to be doin they homework or at an afterschool program.” That was a foolish mistake. Kids don’t like doin they homework and they don’t like stayin on school grounds once they’ve been released. This time change is going to increase the amount of homework not done and decrease the amount of students in afterschool programs. Good job BET, once again killing our future!!!

Speakin of killin black people, I thought V.I.C. killed himself after selling only 7,000 albums since his debut? Maybe he failed at doing that too. Loser. If your furniture “Wobbles”, then put V.I.C.’s new CD under the shorter leg and balance it out lol. Mr. Collipark, I let you slide with Souljah Boy Tell ‘Em. Then you made the mistake of Hurricane Chris which I ignored like it didn’t happen. But V.I.C.? I hope your mother punches you in the mouth for this shit.

Speakin of Mr. YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU. Just seen him in Bow Wow’s joint. Um. Well. I like the boy. I’m glad he brought dancing back. He doesn’t have to be the best lyricist and I don’t mind his beats all sound alike (that is a curse of ALLLL new producers. When Kanye first started, you knew a Kanye beat when you heard it. Same with Timbo in his Aaliyah and Ginuwine days and Swizz Beatz in his Ruff Ryder days. Hell, Primo and Alchemist still sound the same and they’re still considered one of the greats). The song Marco Polo just makes me wonder how Bow Wow is still in the game? Who is buyin his albums? Great line from SB: “Your girlfriend’s forehead was on my abs last nite.”

I hate you Jim Jones…and Three Six you’re no far behind.

Gorillas in the mist

So a lot of Democrats (me included) and surprisingly, some Republicans, are mad that McClaims is just running a pure smear campaign. I mean, he’s just flat out telling lies now. It’s sickening. And we are all wondering why Obama won’t get black on his ass and pull out his Dirty Dozens book. Well that’s the problem. For a man that wants this Presidential race to not be about race, the last thing he wants to do is get “black” on McCain. I totally know where he is comin from; being labeled an angry black man is not somethin that sits well in white America. It’s bad enough that the media portrays us a sex hungry, irrational, short fuse having beasts. Wait. That is me! Hahahahaha. White America, always so right. No but seriously, it’s best for Obama to take the back seat on this one and release his bloodhounds Biden and Clinton out on those sly foxes. And thinkin about it, who better to defend our country than a half and half? I mean, he’s from Hawaii (kinda) so he has the laid back spirit. BUT, he has the blood of a Kenyan running in his veins. Which means he is just one Cola nut from using a blow dart on Iran if need be. Why would I want a former POW to lead me into battle? HAHAHAHAHA, some Americans are so stupid. That’s like havin William Hung giving me singing lessons for my American Idol audition. If you gonna vote, vote Obama or sit your ass at home (or vote for Nader).

Nissan Minimum

Soooooooooo I’m hurting. Anyone that knows me knows that I love me a Nissan Maxima. The original 4DSC. So imagine my anguish when I learned that the new 2009 Max only has 290bhp (est.). What kinda bullshit is that? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT? This is a car that (used to) stand against the likes of a BMW 5 series, now a fuckin properly tweaked Honda Accord could keep up (I mean it already comes with 260bhp). This is the most serious slap in the face ever. Ok ok, maybe the guys at Nissan said well America is in a gas crisis right now so lets give them a car that will be easy on the wallets on fill up. Well the fucking memo didn’t make it to the engineers because the 09 Max gets 19 mpg in the city and 26 on the highway. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK. I could get an Altima that goes almost as fast and has better gas mileage and costs less. I pray, pray, pray, pray, pray that they release a trim that has ATLEAST 350bhp. Make it a real 4DSC and stop bullshitting. And I’m out.

Women unite!!!

Ah, the beauty in satire is the truth it tells:


The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

I'm thirsty

Muthafuck a Ford Focus…I made the BEST mixed drink ever at Subway today. I mean, this shit was better than N-Drank (for a non-alcoholic drink). I ain’t even gonna tell you what I mixed cuz I don’t want you enjoyin it before I do. That shit was tasty, but a quick left turn and a shitty cup holder and my beautiful concoction was on the car floor. Bitchass American made car. Oh, if you don’t know, it was a rental cuz I’m outta town again. AND I’m extremely tired but I know some people wake up in the morning just to read this…so here I am, serving others…as usual.

VH1 was created by the Devil

I hate VH1. Uncle Luke Skywalker has a TV show? What kinda dumb shit is that? I don’t care about him being a family man. I was wanna see some ASS & TITTIES!!! Real trash on TV. But you wanna know how I know Luther Campbell has a show? Because I was watchin New York in Hollywood. FUCK ALL YOU CABLE HAVING BITCH ASS MUTHAFUCKAS!!! I BLAME YOU! YOUUUUUUUUUU! YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU for this shit. You watched her on Flavor of Love, and then you watched her on Flavor of Love 2. Then you watched her on I Love New York. THEN you watched her on I Love New York 2. You made her into a celebrity. This no talent, drama causing, ugly ass, black Paris Hilton bitch. So to all my readers with cable and tune in to VH1 – fuck you. I mean it. Lol. I Wanna Work For Diddy just came on. Who did his intro? MGM studios? Fake ass James Bond.

Politics as usual

Someone once posted a question about how I know which way the election is swinging: This site might help you.

Boycott Oprah cuz she won’t have Palin on her show? Repungantcans do the darnest things. Everyone already knows Oprah endorses Obama, so why on Earth would she put a Republican on? And she already said LAST YEAR, she ain’t gonna use her show as a platform for the candidates.

LA Train collision

What is all this malarkey about the engineer of the LA train, text messaging before the train collided with a freight train, killing 26? I thought train conductors were like 50+ year olds. Who is this muthafucka txtin 14 year olds? Well, he’s dead. So I guess ranting on him is pointless…until they get internet in HELL, lmao. Nah, but for real, that’s some crazy shit if the reason for this accident is really from being on a cell phone.

Sweet music

I ain’t a fan of home wreckers. Regardless or how well they sing or how bad they look (bad meaning hot for my non minority readers lol). BUT in the case of Alicia Keys, just hearing that she’s playin for the right team again is music to my ears (pun intended). It appears that Swizz Beatz is finalizing his divorce from his wife of 5 years. I didn’t even know that his wife and baby mama was Mashonda. But it seems (from all accounts except his) that Alicia is the reason he movin out. Now Alicia is fine. But for you to break up with the chick that held you down when you weren’t shit…kinda grimes. BUT most people stick with another person for absurd reasons. Maybe he never really liked her. Maybe he was waitin till someone better came along. Don’t know why he had a kid with her. Black people…white people do the same dumb shit tho. Sienna Miller and her new boo is a clear example.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucaka!!!

Redecorating

So some readers have been cryin about how my original format was just too much to digest and that just like their food, they needed the blog to be chopped up into easier to manage pieces. I said, fuck off you big baby. Lol, then I came to my senses. I don’t write this for me, I write this for you. And if you need me to break it down so that you can come back for more, then so be it. So here is the new style format…next you’re prolly gonna ask for bibs. One thing you’re gonna miss is the witty titles that I create for the blog, because I’ll be damned if I have to keep comin up with new shit 5-6 times per day!

Bugatti Grand Sport

I used to keep up with car shows and the new cars that are comin out, but for some reason I’ve kinda lost focus… (I will be at the LA auto show this year again for sure). Anyways, here is one that you can file under the “I will never own this car even if I was sleepin with Bill Gates and Steve Jobs” category, because to be honest with ya, I don’t even think they could get this car. Bugatti has released…a…convertible! Yes, the Veryon is now available in the “super stripper” trim. That bitch is topless. And still does 225mph. Yea…a real beauty with only 150 being made and the first 50 going to original Veryon owners. So basically only 100 will be sold worldwide. There are 100 billionaire princes in Saudi Arabia alone…good luck Mr. Gates. Price tag 2.1 milli. But look at her, makes you wanna start diggin for oil in your backyard with a garden hoe (no, a garden hoe is not a chick that will fuck outside…goodness. I do like the term tho, hmmmm). Coolest extra about the car has to be the umbrellas that come with the car. They are designed to fit in the place of the hardtop (so just in case a nasty hurricane takes you by “surprise” and you can’t evacuate in time) and you can still do 85mph to your next sunny destination!

Politics

Good weekend for me; went tailgating, saw SC smash Ohio St (don’t ask me how I got into the stadium without a ticket, because then I’d have to kill you), and tried to do a house party (or two) at night. It was at this house party I made a sad realization. The topic of politics came up (as it always seems to this time of the year and more especially with these candidates) and I hate talkin politics because there is always someone that wants to voice their opinion and believe its right and HAVE NO FUCKIN IDEA ABOUT HOW THE GOVERNMENT WORKS! Well thankfully that wasn’t the case this time, it was worse. Someone said to me (hopefully they were jokin) that after seein the pics of Palin in a bikini (you know, the FAKE one I showed last week with her holdin a rifle), that they would vote for her. Besides the stupidity of voting for her because she’s hot, what really annoyed me was the fact that he thought the picture was REAL. Wow. Who..how…man. I really have no words. But it does reinforce that there are a lot of uneducated people out there who will vote Republican because: A) they are too lazy to get the facts, B) are really stupid, C) don’t really care to think for themselves. Lookin back at that list, you can pretty much sum it up to: There are stupid Americans among us. Normally, I wouldn’t give two shits about someone else’s ignorance, but this ignorance affects me. So I don’t care how much you hate talkin politics, from now till November I beg you to educate yourself and then educate the people around you (EVEN IF YOU WANT TO VOTE FOR A STINKY INDEPENDENT hahahahahaha, just fuckin with ya). Hell, if (and I can feel the vomit come up as I write this) wanna vote Republican and want others to and can…fuck it. Vote Democrat and save the country.

Driving me crazy

One thing I hate about LA (and I prolly mentioned this before) is the traffic. You’ve already heard about it, since it’s one of the worse in the country. I have figured that the reason our traffic is so bad isn’t because we have so many cars on the road (though it doesn’t help the situation) nor the fact that everythin is spread out so you have to drive everywhere. No, the reason our traffic is so bad is because LA has the STUPIDEST drivers ever. I honestly don’t know how people get their licenses in this state (and to think I almost failed the test to get my CA license). One (of the many) stupid things they do is rubber neck while driving. Now rubber necking is a natural occurrence in the driving world. Most people are naturally nosey and driving doesn’t curb that (even though they sometimes end up on the curb because of it). But what really pisses me off is when they rubber neck for accidents that occurred on the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE DIVIDER ON THE EXPRESSWAY!!! These muthafuckas will hold up traffic to the point that you would think there was an accident in your lane up ahead. But when you get towards the end of the bottleneck, you notice there are no ambulances or cops or smashed up vehicles on your side of the road. It’s all on the other side! And it’s not like they slowin down because they are thinkin “Hey, I should slow down before I end up like those guys”, because as soon as they get past the accident they are doing 85mph again! The drivers in LA make me want to equip my car with missiles…

Pet Peeves

I really hate when people tell me that they ran into my family members, because I don’t know what the hell to say to that. Usually when your family runs into old acquaintances, you can ask things like: “O, how are they doing? Or “Do they still look like they are doing coke?” But when your friend sees your family member and mentions it to you, what do you say? “Oh, you just saw my sister? How is she doing since I spoke to her 30 minutes ago.” or “You ran into my mom at the store? What a coincidence, I ran into her in the kitchen this morning. She says ‘Hi’” It’s really fuckin annoyin. So the next time you see my family, don’t act like a damn stalker and mention it to me.

The name is...

I would sell my Veryon to live his life for 48 hours:



The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Live from the Moon

I ain’t got shit to talk about, so let’s talk about black people. Lmao. I’m really fucked up. O I do have somethin. I’m not a racist person, kinda not, but I really find myself keepin away from black people. And I’ve noticed it’s not just me who strays from their people. My roommate hates goin to Asian parties, I have a friend who is Dominican but doesn’t like bein around Dominicans and her Filipino boyfriend doesn’t like Filipinos lol. Don’t get me wrong, all my best friends are black. But if you said there are two parties going on, one with blacks and one with whites…I’m more likely to go to the white party. Now if you said that the white party is a really a Klans rally, then I’d have to think about it lol. Seriously though, I treat black people like pitbulls, I only fuck with the ones I know. If I don’t know you and you lookin extra hungry and none of the current dogs in my pack can vouche for you?…I’m keepin my distance.

Speakin of pitbulls, news about Palin. I love how now when politicians back track and go against somethin they were originally for, they are “learning” from their mistakes…but when Kerry did it, he was a flip flopper. Here is a video of Palin “learning” from her mistakes as governor when she collected some of the highest earmarks in the COUNTRY. How can a state with nobody living in it, get so much money?


Kan-yezzy was arrested today at LAX for fighting with the paparazzi and breaking their camera. Apparently John Mayer was at the airport too and the tabloid makers were followin him instead of Kanye. Of course Kanye got jealous and screamed at them “Give a black man a chance! I just slapped an Indian bitch the other day after she slapped me! I’m tryin hard out here...” Mr. West was released on a 20K bond. Must be nice to just put up 20K on a drop like that. I couldn’t pay for a $10 bond.

T.I. is bein sued by his ex baby momma for more child support. Obviously she doesn’t believe that she is gettin “Whatever she likes” so she wants more money from the platinum artist. Do any rap artists marry their baby’s mother? Hell, do any black men marry their baby’s mother? Another reason to vote for Obama, he might start inspiring black men to get their shit together. Damn, I shouldn’t have said that. That might have cost us the election, cuz the last thing The Man wants to see is an empowered black man. That’s why when I file my taxes, I put that I’m a white man because the government would send me to G. Bay for the kinda money I’m makin lol. Who am I kiddin, bloggers don’t make shit. The government would prolly send me some food stamps once they’ve done laughing after filing my taxes.

Chalk this up in the Past Due category. Ocho Cinco? HAHAAHAHAHAHA, this is why I don’t fuck with black people. Why on earth would you LEGALLY change your name to the number of your jersey in Spanish? I ain’t even gonna mention that poor boy’s name. The dude is a sad replacement for the old Terrell Owens. He can’t touch T.O. in on field play, on field shenanigans, off field shit talkin, off field media press. But like all NFL bad boys he will grow up in a couple years (once his fingers feel a bit too light from the lack of rings) and be a prolific wide out. Seriously, I’m gonna change my last name to “HowCanSheSlap”

Hot on the heels of the ultra successful GTA IV, Rockstar games plans on bringing a little mayhem to the Nintendo DS. Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars will take place in Liberty City and focus on the Triads. I’m gonna assume that the main character will be Chinese, but wouldn’t be surprised if he was Jamaican! And the DS is a respectable system with dual screens, so I wonder what kinda innovative play they are going to incorporate.

More slappin:


The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

You can have whatever you like...at the 99cent store

Geez, so much to talk about. Politics, entertainment, the crazy world. How do I fit it all in one nice package? Guess I won’t. So for those of you that are fans, you’ll be rewarded (minus the videos). And for those that aren’t, they will burn in hell…lol not really, but not gettin all of The Rant is like burning in hell!

Ahhh got this damn song stuck in my head “Whatever You Like” by T.I. I think Paper Trail is gonna be as hot as King was. Look at these 6 singles that I can’t stop spinning “Swagger Like Us” (which better appear on the album but might not), “Live Your Life”, “What Up, What’s Happening”, “Like I Do”, “My Life, Your Entertainment”, and “Whatever You Like”. Damn catchy tunes. Plus I’m feelin his whole “Stop hatin on me, go about your life, make your money, stop sippin on the haterade” theme, which is mainly due to his beef with Shawty LO. I mean really L-O, you makin yo money on your corny ass raps (which I do bump in the car cuz I’m so Foolish lol) so who cares if T.I. from Bankhead or not. At least he wasn’t a correctional officer while “pushin” blow lol. Fuck you Ricky Ross!


Hot on the heels of Ellen and Portia gettin hitched, it looks like Sam and Linds are gonna tie the knot by the end of the year. Which I really don’t give two shits about, just annoys me that I won’t ever have the chance to motorboat Lind’s…hmmm can’t think of a funny adjective for her breasts. Bean bags? Melons? Fabric softeners? Lmao. I like that one, because it has nothin to do with breasts.

Peep the picture of Adriana Lima and tell me what’s wrong.



















If you eventually looked away from her fabric softeners, besides the fact that she has her hand on a leg that isn’t mine, the leg belongs to a guy who has the eyes of a South Park character lol. Look at them beady shits. Muthafucka needs mascara or somethin.

So according to the polls, it looks like Obama is losing. Looks like Palin was the boost McCain needed (along with the endless lies that come from that camp). All I have to say is this. If we elect another Republican, I will truly look down on Americans. I will act like the rest of the world and laugh in the face of every citizen. Then some “patriot” will say “well if you don’t like it, move!” and I will. I seriously can’t stand idiots and to live in a country full of them will drive me insane. Please prove me wrong, vote to keep The Rant in America, vote for Obama. If he sucks, vote him out in 4 years. But let’s not keep the same policy in for 12 years hoping that it will eventually fix itself because it won’t.

Before I touch this next topic, I want you to watch the video first:

Alright. So time to keep it real. You saw the squad picture. You already know what it is. Jeez, where is it? Haven’t used it in a while. Ah, here we go, found it. Brush off the dust and place it on the table. TIME TO PLAY THE RACE CARD!!! They probably were afraid that she was gonna “Bring It On” and make the other girls look shitty. She prolly was doin a little Beyonce booty pop and the white girls couldn’t so they said all she can is clap (sadly not with her ass cheeks) on the sideline. Bullshit. Talkin bout “what if her pacemaker fails while she at the bottom of the pyramid”. Nigga then you and her family sue the shit out of the pacemaker company! Who dies from a pacemaker goin out? Let alone on the bottom of a pyramid. Do the other girls plan on wearin magnetic skirts so that they can make them go up and down on their own? Seriously, get the fuck outta here SMU and put that hot cheerleader back where she needs to be…Otherwise send her to USC and we can practice her splits.

Leave it to the Mexican to actually toss his kid lmao:






The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Aquaman is back...

Found out that more people read my blog, good shit. Glad to see I have a lot of fans…a lot of fans that are ashamed to admit to the Facebook world that they read this!! Just like my boy Jesus Christ said, “For whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he shall come upon some money!” lmao. Somethin like that.

Finally saw the season opener of Entourage and the boys are back! That show is part of the reason I moved out to Hollywood. The women, cars, fun and care free times I envied. I should make my own show; call it Lonely because that’s how I’m feelin out here lol. Nah, but I still have hope because if Bow Wow can be considered an actor then anyone can. Talk about terrible performance, good thing he is limited to one season. Did you see the part when he was supposed to act disappointed? Wow that sucked. They shoulda showed him the scene so that he could be disappointed in his acting abilities and then reshoot the scene lol. Jeremy Piven is outstanding as Ari Gold once again. The caring asshole, exactly how the girls describe me. Hahahaha, I love it. Vinny Chase comes on the scene in usual Vinny manner – having a threesome on an island bungalow. I really hope they bring back E’s love interest, Sloan. Emmanuelle Chriqui…is to the right. Lol.

The army is reporting that it’s suicide rate could top nation's. That’s craziness. To think that people that are fighting to the death would rather take their own lives than go to battle is mind bottling. I mean, if they really wanted to die they could just pull a John Rambo in front of enemy lines and go out in a blaze of glory. Nah, they would rather take their own lives. Put that in perspective for a bit. What kinda madness must be occurring in Iraq for someone who was prepared to die for their country ends their OWN life? Vote Republican and increase the suicide rate. Seriously, isn’t the military designed to defend a country? So who the hell are we defending with our troops in Iraq? Doesn’t that leave us open for attack from Canada? Lol. But seriously, bring the troops back and stop all this malarkey (Biden used that word, that old timer, so now I’ma bring it back!).

The Enron story finally comes to a conclusion (or is this the epilogue?). The shareholders and investors will split $7.2B in what is that largest settlement in the history of U.S. security fraud cases. Jeez, can I see just 1 mill? I would stimulate the economy with my asinine purchases. Such as 1000 sunglasses. Or 5 pairs of the 13s, 19s, and 23s. In every color lol. I need some tank tops…I would buy a dresser full of them. But first I would need a dresser just for tank tops, so I would buy that too. I guess the richer get richer and the poor get desperate. Where’s a race riot when you need one :(

I’m not a Steve Jobs fan. Ever since I heard that he can be a real bitch ass dude to his employees and he doesn’t have a foundation or a charity that he regularly donates to, I’ve written him off as the white devil of the new millennium. Do I own an iPod? Yes. Use iTunes? Yes. A slave to the white devil? Yep. He has my money but not my soul. I’m just waitin till someone makes a better product. Or maybe I won’t have to worry about that since it seems like Jobs hasn’t paid his innovation elves in the past year. Jobs held one of his press events and unveiled bullshit. I mean let’s keep it real. Can we keep it real for a minute? A thinner Nano? Call it what it is. iPod – The “Kate Moss goes on a diet” Edition. Fuck you need a thinner nano for? It’s already small. Correction. I just got an email from Apple. It’s being called the “Steve Jobs has cancer and doesn’t really give a fuck” edition. Heard he’s been lookin thinner himself.

Still confused on who is for abortion and who’s for off shore drilling? VoteGoper.com has all that sorted for ya. Check out the site, it’s nicely laid out to help you make your decision on voting for Obama lol.

See if you can pinpoint when Jaime ends this comedian’s career:



The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Use a condom or become a Republican

I coulda made this a super post, but I decided I could use all this ranting to my advantage and get more fans on my Facebook page (can’t believe you bastards still haven’t added me, I should Indian slap you on tv and cry “how could she slap me sir!” lmao).

Welcome back B. Spears. Won her first Moon Man Award and I think she highly deserves it. I was a doubter but look at how well she cleaned up in a year. She should take her good fortune and new lease on life and help other people. I would listen to Britney give an inspirational speech (not really, but I would consider it…if she took me home with her). For the rest of my VMA rant, go here.

Finally heard the entire Katy Perry song this past weekend, and the VMAs prompted me to YouTube the video. Um, yea…I got a new white girl now. First off, the song is actually good. Lyrics, beat, message, and all. I was kinda upset that in the video that she didn’t kiss any girls…total let down. But she definitely has some milk cannons on her. And in the video she wakes up in bed with a black dude. CHA-CHING MUTHAFUCKA! Lol. I really believe that her song is going to make girls more open for having threesomes. My roommate disagrees; he says girls have been kissin girls forever. But see it’s always somethin that has been done, but never really discussed (not while sober). Kinda like anal sex, there were always girls that did it but would hit you with that you gotta be a “special person” bullshit. Now, a girl will let you put it in her ass rather than put it in her mouth, lol. And that’s how I feel threesomes will be. Guys won’t need a wingman to run interference, because she’ll always ask if her friend can come too!!! I love you Katy!!!

Speakin of videos, girls, and threesomes; I saw Ne-Yo’s new video with the always beautiful Gabrielle Union, and the up and coming beauty Lauren London. Now Ms. London, if you’re reading this, you gotta do more than appear in one video/film/tv show per year. You can’t do one music video and say “I’m set, that’s my quota” or do one movie and say the same. You wanna make it big, you gotta be oversaturated to a point. Fire your manager and come roll with me. We’ll make a sex tape, I’ll have you famous in no time lol. (Update: While diggin up a pic of the lovely Laura, I ran across some info that she is engaged to Weezy. That's some real fuckery right there, can someone disprove this for me? I'll try not to drop the radio into the bathtub while I wait for a confirmation)

Attention all future politicians, make sure you don’t go to church because it will come back to haunt you. It appears Palin’s former Pastor wants his 15 minutes of fame and decides to run his mouth about how Palin is a Pentecostal who are known for speakin in tongues and being a bit more literal in their translation of the Bible. Meaning that she won’t be drilling in Alaska because it goes against her beliefs. Obviously the Pastor didn’t look up the definition of “arm candy” lol.

Condoleezza Rice gave a speech about more blacks in the government. Which prompted me to ask, who is she throwin her support behind? Her and Powell (the two token blacks Bush hired) have been awfully quiet…On one hand it would be terrible for them not to see a black president, on the other hand you can’t really bite the party hand that fed you. Mo money, mo problems. That statement didn’t really fit, I just threw it in there just cause it’s my blog.

So Hurricane Ike is about to beat down on Louisiana (ha, pun intended). And the mayor is worried that his people might not be ready to weather the storm after Gustav donkey punched them (ok, I tried a bit too hard with that one, but you try makin a joke with the name Gustav). I say, fuck em. And I can say that, because I’m one earthquake away from becoming an island. But you know what? I knew the risks associated with living here, but I still choose to. This isn’t the first hurricane that they’ve encountered, and it won’t be the last. But if they choose to continue to live there and have their paper maché homes torn down year after year, then what me worry? Why don’t they collect their home insurance money AND MOVE!!!

Possibly the 3rd dumbest person on this show:







The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!! (Whew, this almost got lengthy)