Free Michael Vick...oh wait

Mike Vick is outta jail and ready to turn his swag back on. Dog killer or not, there are worse things people do in the world and if ya’ll wanna write him off because of an extracurricular sport, then fuck you. In Korea, he’d be a top chef!

Ginuwine - Last Chance

Lisa Raye looks like she’s just finished shootin the Player’s Club movie, 10 YEARS AGO! I’d still hit it. Ginuwine looks like he’s used some age reducing cream as well, not to mention dances like he’s Chris Brown. Nah, I’m frontin, he’s Chris Brown’s father when it comes to the dancing. Glad to know he’s still the same old G. Ummm, what was Tyrese's purpose in the video? On some real shit, I thought they were portraying some DownLow Brothers....

Ms. Keriii booty

Keri Hilson still promoting her new album. And I’m still gettin more and more into “In A Perfect World”. Get Your Money Up is a cool swag song for the ladies to rock to. Found video footage of Lil’ Wayne slappin Keri on the booty. Lookin at that cute thang, I would too.

White goons

It’s not every day a white person does something to set back their race (even if it’s by a little bit) so enjoy this video (NSFW-ish):

General Motor's time is running out

We continue our reports on the GM/Chrysler Lifeline with today’s news about Obama still pledging to help the failing automakers but announcing that filing for bankruptcy may be an option for them. I think a statement like that is a double edged sword. On one hand, it puts a little fire underneath the bottoms of the unions and the corporations to come towards an agreement and get some restructuring done. On the other side of the sword, it keeps consumers worried and off the lots. Let’s be realistic, why would I want to buy a car from a company that may not be here in the next month or two? I would like to see GM come out of this (because they are bringin down my portfolio) but I really don’t see how they can and I’m usually full of great ideas. But workin for a company for 32 years definitely has its perks. Ricky Wagoner’s retirement package is valued at $20.2 milli!!! Damn the boy done did good. The boy done did good.

Crazy man might have been lookin for his ex

The gunman that went cuckoo for cocoa puffs at the elderly home this past weekend may have been gunning for his ex-wife. His wife worked as a nurse there. Robert Stewart killed 8 people and wounded several others before police shot him down. They say Stewart came for war with multiple weapons. Crazy. Check out his picture. Yeah, he looks like a sicko. Another crazy white person, ya’ll is 0-2 on the Rant today. Let’s see what other dumb shit ya’ll gotten yourselves into.

Brother kill younger sister

I was pretty sure white people were gonna be 0-3 today, but leave up to some crazy nigga to do some absurd shit like this. Wow. Wow. Like…WOW. How can someone do something this heinous? Your own fam? Just slicing heads off on some Taliban shit. Where do these monsters come from? How do they live so long to inflict pain on others? We should start killin everyone that comes off a little imbalanced in the head. I don’t care how slightly outta touch with society they are, kill em all!!! Except me of course. I’m touched in the head, but it’s the good kind of touching…owwwwwwwwwwww.

Don't put a mic in front of T.I.

Is this nigga rapping during his press conference? “I would like to thank all who have helped me throughout my journey/along my journey/including my attorneys” Whooooo, hot fire. What’s the next verse T.I.? “all of the foundations/and all of the organizations”. That’s a platinum single. Throw T-Pain on the hook and you’re all set! Call it “Thank you”.

Pass The A1

How is this for a slap in the face and kick to the uterus. Mrs. Brady (funny her initials are still G.B.) thinks that she can just show up on the scene and take Bridget Moynahan’s baby from her. In the new Vanity Fair, Gisele says:

“I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that. But to me, it's not like because somebody else delivered him, that's not my child – I feel it is, 100 percent. I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that's important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine. I already feel like he's my son, from the first day. He's a little angel – the sweetest, most cuddly, loving baby. I feel blessed to have him in my life.”

OUCH. Bridget, first she took your man, don’t let her take your child. Seriously, Tom needs to curb talk like that. I hope it’s because Gisele’s English is really limited to sexual request (I KNOW how them Brasilian girls are) and she really couldn’t articulate her thoughts. Otherwise I can see a nice cat fight in the ’09 with my money on Bridget.

Reggie Bush took my body

Last week our favorite ass monster, Kim Kardashian, did a shoot with Complex magazine. Boo hoo when Complex accidently released an unphotochopped version of a picture, with Kim bustin out in the wrong places. Kim took it in stride and plans on showin off her body for some bikini event comin soon. What I’m kinda pissed about is how they gonna photochop Reggie Bush’s head on my body. What kinda malarkey is this bullshit? I did not APPROVE the release of those photos I took in that director’s cold basement. He told me it was only to see if I would be a good fit for the role…I never did get that part.

Halle Baby

Halle Berry and baby Nahla lookin soooooo super cute. This furthers my plans on havin kids with a beautiful woman so that they can come out lookin average. Right? Because when beautiful people have kids, they have beautiful kids. One beautiful + one average = cute and one beautiful + one ugly = average. Ugly + ugly = death.

Congrats to Tim Allen and his baby girl

Tim Allen's wife just had a baby girl on Saturday at the age of 55. Which gives me hope because I’m not too eager to spit out some kids just yet. I have a lot more sexing to do before I settle down, lol. His daughter’s name is Elizabeth.

Mariah and Nick will be Together Forever

Well I guess it’s for real…Mariah and Nick have been together for one year. That’s so crazy. But if it’s possible for a talentless man like Nick to pick up international superstar Mariah Carey, then a blogger can keep dreaming.

Happy birthday to the Queen

Queen Latifah turned 39 (damn she gettin up there) last week and had a party on Saturday with her friends.

Funds aren't the only thing Kendra raises

Kendra Wilkerson at some fundraising event…but who cares? I owe you guys some boobs…so here ya go!

Devil in a red dress

More boobs…here is former Playmate of the Year Sara Jean Underwood. Now one thing I’ve always wonder bout white girls, is what’s really good with the blonde micro hairs? That shit is not sexy. Always tickles my tongue…I’d still do Sara tho.

Kelly Brook boobage

AND EVEN MORE BOOOOOBS! Make your head explode today, lmao. Kelly Brook frocklin on a beach.

Yes, this is all during one trip to Barbados, owwwwww.

Padma Lakshmi gets me Hardee(s)

Padma Lakshmi is the host of Top Chef but her looks are top shelf. But don’t worry bout gettin your dirty paws on her unless you are as old as her father. The girl has serious daddy issues, wiki her. But I’d still put it in her butt, I just wouldn’t bring her over or give her my real number. Enjoy her Hardees’s video….as I enjoy the thought of her tasting my meat sauce.


I seriously can’t watch this video more than once a day…I’d run out of underwear too fast.



The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Welcome back!

And we're back in effect for the week. Things to look forward to: The end of March. 3 months down in 2009 and it feels like forever. March was a good month for me, I'd like to see the rest of the year top it!

She looks like 9/12…tragedy

Before we get into some depressin shit, let’s start the week off with some laughter!

Stewie's hit list

I have a couple additions to that list: people who update their Facebook status messages in the first person, Nadya Suleman, any media outlet that overuses the prefix “Octo-“, most of the people that drive in LA, anyone with loans, credit card debit, or mortgage payments that think they can balance the budget better than the government, and boyfriends who don’t show up to their girl’s birthday party.

Ms. Keriii baby on the Angie Martinez show

Keri Hilson is very refreshing. Hearin this interview gives me hope for these industry girls (music, movies, any media). If Lil’ Wayne was a lesser artist, I’m pretty sure the slap on the booty woulda turned into a slap in the face lol. And she definitely took a shot below the belt when she came at Angie’s musical preferences. “La bamba”? ROFL, I’m pretty sure Ang was like “what the fuck did she just say to me?” but had to keep it to herself.

Pass The A1

Daaaammmmn son, he said “how you make Santa flop?” ROFL, “what are these words?” lmao. Damn Jimmy, no respect right now. Good thing you didn’t release Pray IV Reign around Easter cuz you might have fucked up the Easter Bunny’s bread lol. But why Max B got on a pink scrunchie lmao. And what’s Young Chris doin in the background tryin to look tough? I thought Beanie Sigel wasn’t fuckin with anyone from State Property after they left him to rot in the cell? So how Max gonna fuck with Chris and Beanie?? Young Chris throwin up the Roc chain like he still has a career on the label, smh.

Gunman shoots up home for the elderly

It wouldn’t be a complete weekend without someone killing somebody in America. I feel like I could put this blog on “auto pilot” and let the world just fill in the blanks. This doesn’t even make my job fun anymore because I seriously don’t even feel anythin towards the issue. Like seriously, here we go again, ANOTHER senseless act of violence. Well good thing the cops didn’t kill the gunman, maybe we can get some answers outta him.

General Motor's new plan: Fire the CEO

General Motor’s CEO, Rick Wagoner, is expected to step down from his position before the government releases over additional funding. Both GM and Chrysler are expected to present a restructuring plan that will hopefully stimulate growth in the auto industry. The only thing that could save these guys is flying cars. I don’t know what they possibly could present as far as cars goes to the American public that would sway their interest. You know what I like about capitalism? It allows you to grow and make as much money as you can, then spend it on bad investments like Saab or Hummer. Seriously, what the fuck was GM thinkin when they bought those brands? When was Saab ever a cool car? It had ONE demographic and that was the university professor who thought he would stand out from the BMs and Mercs with an ugly hatchback. Correction, there was a second demographic. The college student whose parents bought them a car but they couldn’t afford a BMW or Merc.

Facebook needs a secret identity

Why do I feel like the “18 year old” is really Mark Zuckerberg? I mean really, you can’t buy this kinda advertisement. “Facebook: Just like the cops, without the racist beat downs.” Is there anything Facebook can’t do right now? Imagine if Facebook and Google joined forces….death to the old internet.

More teens, more nude pics online

What I’m really curious about is why Mike Galanos is the only person that be reportin about teenage sex and naked teen photos? It’s not like he’s an adolescent psychiatrist. I don’t know how you can charge a child with child pornography when it’s a picture of THEMSELF! That would be like the cops charging me with grand theft auto because I borrowed my wife’s car and she didn’t know where it was. There has to be smarter ways to handle this issue that doesn’t involve wastin too much time and money on kids being kids.

Scientist dies from research

How is this for irony: A Spanish pathologist who specialized in a human strain of mad cow disease died Saturday of mad cow disease. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I’m sorry, I’m not laughin at his death, just the way it happened. Obviously he took his research to heart and was prolly eatin some tainted meat to fully understand the effects…I guess. This ranks above Steve Irwin’s death by a Sting Ray but just below the Mexican kidnapping consultant expert that was kidnapped in Mexico. God definitely has a sick sense of humor.

Madonna needs to be sealed away in an animal

I didn’t plan on talkin bout Madonna ever again because the bitch is pure evil and I don’t need that kinda juju on my site. Well the evil bitch is back at it again. First, she is stealin another Malawian to be a sibling for David. 3-year old Mercy supposedly has no mother or father…but I give it 2 months before someone come forth and says the orphanage took their child without permission. Anyways, the adoption agency is not big on sending kids to broken homes, and because of that Madonna has dumped her Brazilian boy toy Jesus Luz. Did the agency not follow the messy divorce between her and Guy? Did they not read the list of demands she has for Guy while the kids are in his care? Is everyone afraid of Madonna? I wish she would talk to me slick, I’d CB her in a second. Now she wants to act like a saint and build a school in Malawi on some Oprah type shit. Oh wait, but she plans on evicting people from their homes in order to do it. What kinda beast is she that nobody wants to tell her no? Where is David Letterman when you need him? He had no problem putting her in check…kinda. She did kinda steal the show from him too. Madonna must be some sorta demon that paralyzes people with fear if she doesn’t get her way. Fuck that and fuck her. I got 99 problems and a washed up, leather face bitch ain’t one.

Something's missing...

I know you’re expecting boobs at this point, but I’m not just gonna throw any piece of meat on my site just to fill a quota…so maybe tomorrow will be a better day!



The Rant Is Due Muthfucka!!!

I'm all up in the guts

Finally, I can relax. Roommate is gone to Miami for the weekend. Last night was a fashion show at USC…and I only fuck with Top Models that give model top (J.R. Writer). Tonight, stayin sober to allow my liver to recover. Tomorrow, stayin sober. Sunday, stayin sober. I’m the gizzard wizard!

Ms. Keriiii baby..oh wait, wrong gal

Brooke Crittedon is Kanye’s ex (if you were too slow to pick that up from the video). Yes, she’s what prompted that dumb ass album last fall. So when you see her out in the streets…kick her shins. I personally think the short hair looks better on her than it does on Keri Hilson.

Maino - All of the above

This has to be one of the worst videos for a great song that I’ve ever seen. Seriously, just press play and scroll down because if you watch the video you might not appreciate the song. Matter of fact, download the real version and add it to your “Workout” or “Inspirational” playlist on your iPod.

Republicans are just moon walking

Finallllllllllllly the Republican’ts have come back with a budget proposal of their own to counter Obama’s. They say that it will do a “better job”. So what does this new plan call for? I don’t know, stay tune next week when they actually have NUMBERS in their plan. For fuckin sake, why do they embarrass themselves like this?

A bill to keep the dollar alive

To all the conspiracy theorists, here’s one to strike down. Rep. Bachmann is proposing a bill that would prohibit the President from signing the United States up with to a global currency. So no Ameri-Euro for us! Just the dollar. Which looks like is goin to become obsolete soon…so is this really a good idea after all? I already told you what I’ma do if my money becomes worthless. Maybe a global currency wouldn’t be a bad idea after all. Fuck all this. I’ma just do my part to help the economy. And if that means going to strip clubs and helpin single mothers out, then so be it!

Natasha's death saves little girl

They don’t make humans like they used to. Seriously, how many times have you taken a shot to the head? I shoulda been dead at the age of 5. Hell, I’ve even been electrocuted and went to sleep right afterwards (not a good thing). Thank goodness that little girl was saved, dad must have a helluva swing to crack her in the head like that. It’s still kinda scary tho, every time I take a shot to the dome I gotta go to the hospital? There has to be a better reason than that. Boxers take shots to the head and they don’t (usually) die.

Hard times means hard nipples

Whoever lives in this city: You’re soooo fuckin lucky. Do you know how often I wish I could see my post woman nude? Or the lady in church that is all so quiet? I wish I lived in a smaller city like Buffalo, where everybody knows everybody and is related to everybody. Then I wouldn’t have to fantasize about my son’s baseball coach’s daughter anymore. Recession = titties for everyone!

Army makes wounded pay for medicial bills

Another benefit of a capitalist society. Erik Roberts, an Army sergeant who was wounded in Iraq, got a bill for $3,000 for his surgery. Huh? Please tell me how this computes. A person gets injured on the job and there is no worker’s compensation to help them? And of all the jobs you would expect worker’s comp, the military would definitely be number one on the list. The Department of Veterans Affairs has finally agreed to pay for the bill but that’s after a Senator got involved AFTER CNN brought it to his attention. That shit is like ‘wow’ to me. Seriously, how did this even become an issue or a story? No solider wounded in battle should ever pay for their treatment. But I guess when it’s all about makin the money, you get it from everyone and anyone you can stick it to.

Cop stops man from seein dying mother-in-law

Sigh, why don’t cops have any fuckin common sense? To make matters worse, a nurse came out and tried to explain to the officer the situation. The cop didn’t listen. Then ANOTHER cop came and tried to explain the situation. The first officer still didn’t listen. By the time Ryan Moats got up to see his mother-in-law she was dead. What this video doesn’t show, but you can see in the video here, is the cop pulling out his sidearm on Ryan. Like what the fuck is wrong with you? They at a fuckin hospital. They pose no threat to you or anyone else, why draw the firearm? Let’s just assume this cop has been watchin toooooo many action flicks and he thinks Moats and his family is there to “finish the job” on a snitch. Then walk with them into the hospital and make sure they aren’t tryin anything funny! There are wayyyy too many bad cops out there that do fucked up things for me to justify doing any posts on cops killed in action or cops doing good things (which is their fuckin job). That’s just how I feel. Fuck em.

Boy kills radio DJ

The only thing surprising about this situation is the fact that the reporters are surprised by this situation. Listen, if an 8 year old can take a shotgun to his dad’s pregnant girlfriend then ANYTHING is possible. Seriously, when my son is born the first thing I’m gonna do is whup his ass so that he fears me and doesn’t try anythin stupid to me. Oh I know it will fuck him up in the long run, but that’s gonna be your problem not mine! Lol. I think the only thing worse than havin your blood splattered from bein stabbed 50 times, is bein ousted for liking gay “rough sex”. Like your family has to live with that now. You solicited rough sex from a 16 year old boy on Craig’s list (or is it craigslist?). I don’t have a problem with gays, but pedophiles are another issue. Sorry to say, but if he were my son there would be no funeral. Cremate him and dump the ashes in a kitty litter box.

Rihanna thinks she's safe

Rihanna just got a new tattoo of a gun (to represent “strength”…yeah, go figure) on her side. Doesn’t look cool and doesn’t look like she followed the advice she got at the battered women shelter. You’re supposed to BUY a gun, not get one tatt’d on your side. She heard “sidearm” and thought they were talkin bout the location…idiot. Anyways, Ri is lookin good and I hear she’s in good spirits and is back on her feet for the most part. I guess this is a “you go girl” moment, but only Martin can say that and not sound gay.

Melyssa Ford hotness

Melyssa Ford because that’s right.

Enjoy your weekend.
The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Is it Friday yet????

Ok, I’m gonna focus and see how fast I can punch out these posts today. I’m tired, I wanna watch my TV shows, and I wanna eat dinner. I don’t wanna entertain you for free.

Why don't we help him succeed?

Obama just can’t get a break. Is there anyone rooting for him? Wanting him to succeed? I for one am hoping that he pulls this country out of the rut we are in now. I don’t really understand the logistics and kinda don’t care. He can drill for oil on the moon for all I care, as long as it works. What I don’t like is for everyone to say that they hope he fails. Everybody is against him spendin money to make money. How can you spend money that you don’t have and make it into somethin? Well, that’s bein called a hustler. Somethin some blacks now how to do all too well. Is Obama a hustler? Well let’s look at his fundraising skills. Case closed. To say Obama doesn’t know how to make money is absurd and to anticipate that he will bring down the deficit is also crazy in my book. I don’t know why he keeps makin promises he can’t keep…oh wait, he’s a politician. Even if Obama doesn’t cut the deficit by half I pray he keeps our economy from crashing. I seriously won’t know what I’ll do when I find out the dollar doesn’t exist anymore. I will lose my fuckin mind. I’d break into someone’s penthouse and live with them. Then go steal about 2 Lambos and ride around town lootin other shit. Then I’d sit and cry because I’ll never become a millionaire (in dollars). Then I’d steal a boat and move to Japan and start my life over. Then in 10 years after everything returns back to normal, I’ll sneak back into the U.S. like I never left. Because if Obama doesn’t save this economy and we bottom out…shit WILL hit the fan. There are some niggas, crackas, and vato locos that are just WAITING for the chance to act stupid. They are watchin the news everyday just to hear “U.S. economy crashes”…it will be hell up in Harlem…L.A., Houston, Chicago, and any other major city.

Madoff's payoffs

Black is the best color, Bernie knew that. But why are we throwin this man into jail? Everyone that worked for him made six figures? The man is a Saint! Custodians must have loved him because he helped keep the place clean. That’s an easy check for them too! Free Madoff!!!

Bitch better have my honey!

I really wish I could chop up videos because I’m in no way makin light of the man’s death…but the white powder wigs the judge is wearing is FUCKING HILARIOUS!

Stay out the air

It looks like commercial planes aren’t the only ones goin down. A fighter jet crashed and killed the test pilot yesterday. An F-22 being flown by 21-year Air Force Vet, David Cooley, crashed for unknown reasons near Edwards Air Force Base in California. Is anything safe anymore? Lance Armstrong can’t even ride his bike without breakin his collarbone. I think I’m just gonna sit in my basement and blog for the rest of my life. No more goin out, straight hobbit mode.

Homeless celebrities

Times are hard not just regs like you and me but even celebrities are losin their homes. Isaiah “Fuck you fagot” Washington has fallen behind on his payments ($20K a month) and the landlord is lookin to kick him out. Yes, you read that right. $20K a month and his LANDLORD is gonna kick him out. Nigga if you droppin $20K a month and you don’t OWN that bitch, you fuckin up in life. That is a poor fuckin investment. Even for an actor who may only live in it for a couple months, rent somethin cheaper. Stupid muthafucka needs to get thrown out on his ass.

But on the flip side it appears that Rihanna is lookin to purchase a house in the Hollywood Hills. I guess she figures she needs more rooms to hide in when Papa Chris comes home…too soon? Ok. Maybe she can let Isaiah move his broke ass into the house and pay rent…hahahahaha sike. I wouldn’t let that nigga rent out my futon.

No clues for this divorce

CSI star Marg Helgenberger is officially callin it quits with her husband of 19 years, Alan Rosenberg. 19 years??? Dammmmn, that’s a fuckin long time. Normally I would hope for them to get back together because 19 years is a long time to just cast aside…but I have a thing for Marg. I know the broad is 50 but I think she looks good for her age (I think it's the red hair) and I wouldn’t mind lettin her take a sample of my DNA…in her mouth.

Sister, sister, blogger - hmmmmm

Tia and Tamera because they were the fuel for my twin threesome fantasy…

Keri drops

Keri Hilson because she’s a hot topic and guys think the short hair is cute…whatever.

That’s all I got! Better luck next time…

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!