Maria Menounos could steal my heart

Maria Menounos because she had her purse stolen at a NYE party but noticed some guys lookin real shifty and when she approached them she noticed her purse in their shoppin bag and stole it back without them even knowin. Now that she has grown her hair back out, she is my favorite Greek dish.

Rebcca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell add two more to the clan

Congrats to Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell for havin….guess what? Yeah, twins. Like every other fuckin celebrity this past year. Is ’09 the year for triplets? Jeez. These celebrities, it’s like their whole lives revolve around doin what other celebrities are doin. Adopting kids, havin twins, stupid names for their kids, etc. I really couldn’t live that life. Give me the money, keep the fame.

Things aren't lookin up for Britney Spears

B Spears is havin some serious nipple issues. I heard of saggy tits, but saggy nips? Life is hard when even your nipples are depressed. Anyways, enjoy?

If AnnaLynne McCord was a boy

Yesterday I had pics of AnnaLynne McCord lookin pretty good, but now I have to recant. Here are pics of her in a bikini. I’m not a fan. The girl is toned up like a muthafucka. I don’t want a chick with stronger abs than me. I mean I like a fit girl, but I still want her to be a girl not an ironing board. But big girls, don’t get it twisted. You gotta be FIT, key word FIT. I ain’t gonna throw my back out tryin to get my freak on with ya.

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RIP Pat Hingle

RIP Commissioner Gordon. Pat Hingle died at the age of 84 due to the blood disorder myelodysplasia.

RIP Pat Hingle

RIP Commissioner Gordon. Pat Hingle died at the age of 84 due to the blood disorder myelodysplasia.

Get ready, get set...

First off, welcome back. Hope you’re well rested for another intense week in America. Second off, if you are stressed remember that the Rant is published DAILY. That means you can get your 7 laughs a day Monday – Friday. Third off, I’m outta town this week to a camping resort (work related shit) so I don’t know if I’ll have internet access. In order to help you out, I’ll post when I can and when I can’t they’ll be some good videos from the ’08. Let’s start ’09 right and all I need from you is to join the Facebook page, visit here daily (or catch up on the weekends), and tell your friends to tell a friend to tell a friend. This will take a life of its own soon…

Souljah Boy Tell Em Tells it like it is

LMAO. As you can imagine, there has been nothin but negative backlash at SB. Like he was tellin lies or somethin. Niggas just love to hate when they see someone else makin money, EASY! Souljah Boy ain’t kill hip hop, Nas ain’t kill hip hop, nobody killed hip hop. “Hip hop is something you live, rap is something you do.”~ KRS-One, which is EXACTLY what I had been sayin since ’05 when niggas first started talkin bout the death of hip hop. Hip hop is a CULTURE, it can’t be killed. There are still b-boys and b-girls, taggers, real DJs that spin records and not macbooks, and other aspects of hip hop that is still thrivin. Rap is a musical expression of hip hop and it’s evolved with the times. Niggas mad at Soulja Boy because he 17 and has millions (and millions) from makin a hit record that didn’t involve talkin bout guns, drugs, and being hood. How can anyone be mad at that? On one hand we talk about the youth and how they have no future with the terrible neighborhoods that they live in. But then when one nigga make it out the hood, he’s the death of hip hop? SHUT THE FUCK UP. Go read a book, your ignorance will only bring down the people around you (due to the 6 degrees of separation, eventually it will reach me). And he right about Nas needin to bite his tongue. Granted his analogy wasn’t the best, it wouldn’t make sense for a basketball player to say the NBA is a dying league when he still has to play in the NBA. I know why Nas said hip hop is dead and titled his ’06 album with the same name. It’s because he needed to make sales. He just rode a gimmick. The album was supposed to be called The NASdaq Dow Jones, but once the “hip hop is dead” slogan gained momentum he thought it would be proper to shift gears. That’s the only Nas album I’ve never listened to and don’t plan on. If he wanna do some commercial shit, give me some more Oochie Wally. And one more thing, sayin somethin over and over does work. Ask Jay-Z when he was callin himself the best rapper alive in like ’00-’01, then everybody started sayin it.

Souljah Boy Tell Em robbed at gun point

Another piece of Soulja Boy news. It appears that his house was robbed by two goons (look for the video of these boys with durags coverin they faces. I think they may win the Nigga(s) of The Year award. I should find a winner for last year. It’s probably John McCain and his campaign.) . But SB is alright, nobody in the house was harmed, and his record sales still are in the shitter. Lol. I mean if this was his attempt at gettin back in the spotlight, he needs to read 50’s book a bit more. You gotta get shot in order to increase albums sales, not just have a kickdoor occur (for my non-hood readers, a “kickdoor” is basically when you run up in someone’s crib (you may or may not kick down the door) guns flashin and rob the people in it. It is much more dangerous than a regular burglary where the occupants aren’t home or sleep and the chances of someone getting hurt is slim.). And if you gonna try to beef with another rapper (such as Nas), you need to make a diss track not a video talkin bout how you disagree with him. But the boy is only 17, he’ll learn. Or he can make headlines like Wayne did:

Lmao.

Andre Young Jr died from a cocaine overdose...DAMN

The coroner’s report has come back on Andre Young Jr.’s death (Dr. Dre’s son). It appears he died of an overdose of cocaine and heroin. End of story, goodbye. Funny tho, when black people die they know the exact (narcotic) drug that killed em, but when white people die from drug overdose it’s some kinda sleepin medication you never heard of before that day…smh.

RIP Jett

RIP Jett Travolta (John’s son) who died this past weekend after hittin his head and sufferin a seizure. Jett suffered from Kawasaki disease which is too much for me to explain so watch the video.

You know, for someone who had health issues, he doesn’t look that healthy to me. He is a bit on the chubby, maybe overweight side since he is only 16. For a kid with a poor immune system, I would expect his lifestyle to be a leaner one. But this is all speculation since I don’t know the Travoltas. My prayers are with them.

Bill Richardson is done

I love when the dark clouds start rollin in. It makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. First we had Gov. Rod Blagojevich, and his Senate seat selling scandal (say that 5 times fast) and now Barack’s choice for Secretary of Commerce has bowed out due to a federal investigation involving money he’s received. Does it surprise me? Not at all. I keep tellin ya’ll that this was a country founded by people who sent Native Americans packing and said to “keep you warm, here are some blankets with smallpox on it.” Then they went to another country and started slave trading. And kept doin it even when the rest of the world found it unfashionable. Corruption and the pursuit for power go hand-in-hand in America. And with the Democrats in high visibility for the ’09, I expect to see a good handful of scandals emerge.

Vida's face is like 50

Watched Death Race this past weekend. Definitely a rental, if that. Real predictable and just overall not really entertaining, but it had my boy Jason (the last action hero). It also had Tyrese in it and I’m not gonna lie, when I first heard of Ty, I thought he was a punk. His role in Baby Boy cemented that. But then he dropped Signs of Love Making and that song has come in handy. So what does any of this have to do with Vida? Well here she is at Ty’s 30th birthday party (I thought the dude was much older). Her face isn’t aging well at all…sad.

Buy 1, Get 2 Free with McCord and Co.

AnnaLynne McCord because I’ma fan of her “come fuck me” look, her curly hair, and strong calves lol. Ok the calves aren’t that much of a turn on but she looks like she could kick a house down. Same goes for her friends and their calf muscles. Do these broads squat cars? One thing I’m NOT a fan of is all three of them wearin the same outfit in different colors. Because clothes can look great on one person and shitty on another. With all three of them wearin it, it makes all three of them look like shit. Anna shoulda told them other bitches to get they own shit.

Keepin it up with the Kardashians

The Kardashians because I would put it in each of their butts…yes, even the monster one but I would do her last just in case she snaps off my dick or eats me.

Kristin Cavallari doesn't work it cuz she can't

So there are pics of Kristin Cavallari in a blue bikini. It’s only one of the many pics but to see those you can google it for yourself. I really can’t stand her scrawny body and I determined this was the best pic of her, because I’ma sucka for long hair. Her bikini is cute, too bad it’s on the wrong body.

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V is for Victory

Happy New Year team. I’ve decided to stop tryin to come up with silly names for my posts, and just be more straight foward. It will help with the blog poppin up in search engines and give me more visibility since many of you don’t have me as a page on Facebook (don’t worry, it will bite you in the ass someday). I also decided to change my layout but that part is harder to do (I can’t access my Dreamweaver at this time), so look for that sometime this month. Currently there is a deep fog blanketing Hollywood makin it easier for the freaks to come out at night. So I plan on stayin indoors this weekend and letting the fun come to me. Special shout out to my Penn State readers: 38-24. HAHAHAHA. Fight On!

Former Sen. Claiborne Bell dies

RIP Sen. Pell. Thanks to him many college students found higher education a bit more affordable with Pell Grants.

Facebook doesn't like breasts

So I guess there was some kinda protest on Facebook because of their anti-breast pics policy. Protestors (nursing mothers) decided to upload tons of pics with them breastfeeding and some protestors went to FB headquarters to whip out their tits. Why do I always get the memo for stupid protests like “We Want The Old Facebook” or “Mark is the white devil himself”? I never get the cool “Breastfeeding is natural, here are the pics to prove it” memos. Shit man. But why do they think it’s alright to be flashin tit in public or online? Me personally, it really does make it uncomfortable for me to just see a lady pull her tit out and start feedin her child. I mean it’s a tit. When guys normally stare at a woman’s breasts (when fully or barely covered by her clothing) we get grilled and are said to be objectifyin women. Now you wanna pull your whole tit out AND have a baby suckin on it? Wylin. Men are visual creatures; you can’t just be having your baby feedin like that. Then they try to say, “oh well breastfeeding natural thing.” So is takin a piss, but if I whipped out my Black Snake Moan in public, the girls would go crazy. I’d be elevated to Rock Star status. I would need security 24/7. I understand that your kid gotta eat when he gotta eat, but put a blanket over you or somethin. Like I was thought in school, if you don’t have enough to share then put it away.

A real suicide bomber

The recession got niggas robbin banks with bombs in Aspen. Some dude sent a note to two banks sayin he was gonna set off the bombs if they didn’t give him some money. From the reports it sounds like he didn’t even go into the banks with the note because the banks alerted the police and the dude went home to kill himself. LMAO. If you gonna try to be lazy and rob a bank, you need to kill yourself. Apparently the guy has a criminal record and was on parole. What really bothers me is how everyone is concerned with “how much money” was lost by businesses near the banks due to evacuations. Like really? These were live bombs too; the bomb squad had to detonate them. And they worried about how much money (“millions”) was lost? Rich white people never change.

Ronald Burris would stimulate the economy

Wait, wait, wait. Stop the muthaflippin presses. Everyone knows the best way to stimulate the economy is by givin the money to blacks, because all they’ll do is buy some ridiculous shit. Seriously, we would have an economic boom that would last for at least a good ten years before another recession (because the market is built to go up and down). And like I mentioned before, some niggas are politicians. Ronald Burris soon to be (or not) Obama’s replacement in the Illinois seat, has a mausoleum in Chicago's Oak Woods Cemetery displayin his accomplishments. WOW. Nobody in the cemetery has swagger like us. Couldn’t he just get a regular tombstone? Or just waited till he died? SMH.

Santa/Satan Shooter

So the full story of the Santa Shooter in LA has come to light. Read the article yourself, it’s a grizzly tale. To think that he’s been plottin this for MONTHS. The man was on a mission to get revenge. I'm all for "till death do us part", but he actin like everyone that attended the wedding took the vow. He was gonna kill his OWN MOTHER and his lawyer.This was on some real life movie shit. This is how psychopaths work. Everyone thinks that a crazy person just goes crazy and all hell breaks loose. Not all at. A true psychopath is very careful and methodical and FRIENDLY. It’s not until they find their victims their demons come out. Scary shit.

Funny Pepsi commercial

Those funny Europeans.

Eddie Murphy sailin at St. Bart's

I guess these girls would be considered a step up from the tranny chicks Murphy is used to. But a step down (to hell) compared to Ex. Mrs. Babyface. What the hell could he possibly be singin to them? “My Girl Wants To Party All The Time” the acoustic version?

Maria-Louiza Vassilopoulou is a mouth full

Greek Models are so much yummier than American ones. Hell, Any western European model…ok, might be too far Kate Moss? Yuck). Any Mediterranean model is yummier than any model not originating from South America.

Beyonce bikini shots

Beyonce because her hand is in her ass

Seymour Stephanie in a bikini

Yes Stephanie Seymour is a clear example of what happens when you marry a chick with a plump ass and make her spit out kids. But I still believe she has kept it well packaged over the years. That ass coulda been a real disaster if it wasn’t for her supermodel regimen. That’s why I only mess with thick chicks that work out. Don’t fall for the thick chick that doesn’t work out. She thick cuz she eats well, or because her momma was thick or some other bullshit. That’s a trap. She thick now but you make her dump a kid or two…it won’t be thick any more.

Lisa Rinna lips are bigger than her ass

On the flip side, I don’t want no flat booty girl. We wouldn’t even make it to marriage. The lack of cushion back there would lead to her destruction after 5 dates lol. Lisa is the worse type of the flat booty ones. Look at all that thigh and no butt. Worthless. It’s like havin a cold winter with no snow. Pointless.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

And the only way to start the year of is with some bikini photos of none other than.......STAR JONES!!!!!

Now there is no where but up for the rest of the posts this year!!!!


The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Goodbye 2008

I don’t even know why I made today’s post so long. I guess when you’re hung over tomorrow you can come back and read both days. I doubt I’ll have anythin for New Year’s tho. So read what you can today and finish the rest tomorrow. I’ll expect a report on my desk on Friday.

Never flyin again

So my flight outta Jersey went a little somethin like this. Arrive at the airport, go thru security, find out I’ve been flagged for additional screening, get pissy for 10 extra minutes, get to my gate, get on the plane, find out we’ve been delayed for an hour and a half due to a back up of planes, have a crying (like CRYING, like SOMEONE WAS KILLING THIS BABY CRYING) baby behind me with an incompetent mom and dad who can’t figure how to quiet the toddler (yes, toddler because the muthafucka was kickin my chair and screamin ‘no’. And for the hell of it, the mom was Asian and the dad was white, but he looked Europe white), with it’s idiot mom coughing like the bitch had lung cancer for a total of 6 HOURS. I was annoyed to say the least. I’ma create an airline strictly for non family flights. If you have a child under the age of 15, you can’t fly on the plane. But I was pissy from the jump because of the “additional screening” shit. Because I supposedly “bought my ticket the same day.” First off, I never purchased the ticket, the ticket was given to me because stupid Continental cancelled my flight. I think the Man and his cohorts saw the video I posted yesterday (you know about the conspiracies) and are tryin to take me out. Seriously, read the Rant everyday because when you see it missin, you know they got me.