Guys and dolls

Goooooood morning America! Did ya’ll have a relaxin weekend? I sure as hell did. I got a good dose of why I moved to LA. Swanky hotel? Check. Rooftop pool party? Check. Women in bikinis? Check, check, check! Now I gotta come back to reality and write this blog for ya’ll. When you gonna throw me a pool party damnit?!? For no other reason besides pointing out the obvious (SamRo is really a dude with feminine qualities so he decided to become a she for legal reasons, but doesn’t have a vagina) here is Lindsay with her boyfriend out for a birthday lunch.

Lindsay Lohan turns 23 without style

Lindsay Lohan is a mess. The bikini would look awesome on a chick with curves…stick to the two piece. And what the hell is with her wrestler boots? Seriously, if the WWE started makin women shoes, I’m pretty sure that’s what Vince McMahon would think up. Yuck.

Lindsay Lohan is desperate for attention...like usual

The only thing good about this post is how the anchor confuses Bradley for a woman!!!!!
ROFFFFFFFFFFLLLLL. That has to make your day.

Come on, if that didn’t make you laugh out loud for real…you must not have a pulse.

Spongebob square butts is a pandemic

Here are prime examples of a terrible ass, courtesy of Kristin Cavallari and Lindsay Lohan. Yuck.I don't even know how Kristin can smile about that. She should be in tears. Thankfully there is a cure for that. But it requires the use of WAD – Weapons of Ass Destruction. Just call me Sodemn Hussein (oh yeah, I’m claiming that as my pornstar name!)

Change yo diaper bitch!

The only thing worse than a flat booty is the shitty diaper booty. This usually occurs on chicks that have little junk in the trunk and it sags. I mean, I’m all about “workin with what you got” but somethings look better fixed up…and the ass is one of them. And I was so about to abandon this post because I didn’t feel like sifting through the web to find good shots…leave it to Lindsay to provide me one. Not a great one, but we’ll work with it for now. We’ll revisit the post at a later time.

LL needs love

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Now see? This is somethin I can enjoy from a useless celebrity. This was actually funny. And that makes this video a precious jewel or somethin. I mean we got Lindsay L. makin fun of herself (again, I’m pretty sure she did this before to increase popularity) and it’s actually funny. Then we have it on Funny Or Die, which is a site that needs to die if Will Ferrell isn’t in the skit. Amazing.

SamLo is DUNNZO

Yep, looks like the lesbian love fest is over between Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan. Sam has changed the locks and Linds has moved all of her stuff out of the house. This is funny to me because…it is. Who breaks up during a recession? Obviously these broads are as dumb as they look because A) SamRo was only famous and gettin gigs because Lindsay was her girlfriend and B) Lindsay was only makin money because of the jobs she got Sam. So now two nobodies have become less relevant. Do they just disappear now? I hope so. On a plus note, now I get a chance to stick my peen in between those luscious chest pillows of Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan is worse than Mike Vick

Lindsay Lohan has no money. The bitch is broke and hasn’t had a job in God knows how long. So why is this bitch still driving reckless:

We throw people in jail for abusing animals, why not cars? This is vandalism! You can’t take such a beautifully designed car and fuck up the fender. And then say “oh well, I’ll buy another.” Fuck that. I wish these dealerships would stop sellin to these irresponsible celebrities. One crash and you should be blacklisted!

Lindsay Lohan isn't fooling anyone

Here is Lindsay Lohan takin a cue from early Madonna and doin a “Like A Virgin” shot. Um yea…keyword is “like”.

Lindsay Lohan is in a lesbian relationship

I thought that Linds bein a lesbian was a joke, one I took offense to. Now she’s startin to dress like a lesbian. Welcome to the club LiLo!

Lindsay Lohan is too skinny

Lindsay Lohan lookin like a baby in a shitty diaper lmao.

Is a cat fight between lesbians a dog fight?

I don’t know how lesbians do it. One vagina in the household is troublesome. More than one vagina is hell, ask any dad with daughters. And girls are known not to particularly always like each other. Best of friends today, frenemies tomorrow. They are so weird. So when two girls make a commitment to be with each other, that shit goes against the grain. Exhibit A) it appears Lohan and her lover Sam are going in for couple’s counseling. They have been fightin a lot and are tryin to resolve their issues. The easiest solution would be for Sam to dump Lo so that Linds can be a ho (my rhyming skills are on par today). I don’t know why they can’t just break up like every other self centered Hollywood couple. Well hey, it gives me somethin to talk about on a Saturday.

Ugly Lohan

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t wear any underwear. No shocker there right? Haha, shocker. But for the cast of Ugly Betty, it might have been more than the lack of underwear that annoyed them. As you may or may not have heard, Lohan is suppose to guest star on 6 episodes but due to egos and all other drama it’s been cut down to 4. One of the issues involves a scene which, as quoted by Page Six, “was about how Lohan, playing Betty's high school nemesis, would "de-pants" Ferrera. But Ferrera exacts her revenge and pulls down Lohan's pants instead. "Lindsay wasn't wearing any underwear," Of course she isn’t wearing underwear, it’s easier to scissor her lover that way.

Say it ain't so Lo

Lindsay Lohan wants to adopt a child. I don’t even want to talk about it. The thought alone is upsetting. The fact that she can verbally say this in an interview is ridiculous. She must be a Republican with her decision makin skills. Sigh. Like, why? If she adopts a child, I will destroy that agency. Nuke it. And I’ll sell all the children into slavery, either as forced labor or sex slaves. Or both. Because those children will live a better life than any kid adopted by Lohan. That’s a fact. On the plus side, Lohan is lookin good (as far as coke heads go).

Friends with deep pockets

Alright, I give in. More politics. Obama was in my hood yesterday at a dinner party/fundraiser hosted (or thrown) by Barbara Streisand. Of course the Repub. have turned it into another silly non important fiasco about Obama not being in touch with the people. Yeah he partied with celebrities, and yeah they raised 9 milli (dinner was $28K. Yes. Dinner. 28 and 3 zeros behind it. $28,000. It ain’t trickin if you got it), but they are citizens too. I don’t see what’s wrong with a person that can mingle in multiple circles. I can party with just about anyone without feelin uncomfortable or outta place. Haven’t you seen my pics from the KKK rally? Boozin it up and screamin white power! Those guys are cool tho, all Obama supports believe it or not. You know what’s really funny tho? The people that threw Obama this fundraiser and helped him raise money…are the same people he plans on raising their taxes. The last time I helped out someone who planned on screwin me, was at the bar last week. And I bought her two drinks (yea, I was trickin cuz all I was drinkin was water after I bought her those drinks).

It looks like LiLo got in contact with the Obama campaign and offered to help host events catered to young voters. She was told no. hahahahaha. Obviously Obama doesn’t like all celebrities.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

You can have whatever you like...at the 99cent store

Geez, so much to talk about. Politics, entertainment, the crazy world. How do I fit it all in one nice package? Guess I won’t. So for those of you that are fans, you’ll be rewarded (minus the videos). And for those that aren’t, they will burn in hell…lol not really, but not gettin all of The Rant is like burning in hell!

Ahhh got this damn song stuck in my head “Whatever You Like” by T.I. I think Paper Trail is gonna be as hot as King was. Look at these 6 singles that I can’t stop spinning “Swagger Like Us” (which better appear on the album but might not), “Live Your Life”, “What Up, What’s Happening”, “Like I Do”, “My Life, Your Entertainment”, and “Whatever You Like”. Damn catchy tunes. Plus I’m feelin his whole “Stop hatin on me, go about your life, make your money, stop sippin on the haterade” theme, which is mainly due to his beef with Shawty LO. I mean really L-O, you makin yo money on your corny ass raps (which I do bump in the car cuz I’m so Foolish lol) so who cares if T.I. from Bankhead or not. At least he wasn’t a correctional officer while “pushin” blow lol. Fuck you Ricky Ross!


Hot on the heels of Ellen and Portia gettin hitched, it looks like Sam and Linds are gonna tie the knot by the end of the year. Which I really don’t give two shits about, just annoys me that I won’t ever have the chance to motorboat Lind’s…hmmm can’t think of a funny adjective for her breasts. Bean bags? Melons? Fabric softeners? Lmao. I like that one, because it has nothin to do with breasts.

Peep the picture of Adriana Lima and tell me what’s wrong.



















If you eventually looked away from her fabric softeners, besides the fact that she has her hand on a leg that isn’t mine, the leg belongs to a guy who has the eyes of a South Park character lol. Look at them beady shits. Muthafucka needs mascara or somethin.

So according to the polls, it looks like Obama is losing. Looks like Palin was the boost McCain needed (along with the endless lies that come from that camp). All I have to say is this. If we elect another Republican, I will truly look down on Americans. I will act like the rest of the world and laugh in the face of every citizen. Then some “patriot” will say “well if you don’t like it, move!” and I will. I seriously can’t stand idiots and to live in a country full of them will drive me insane. Please prove me wrong, vote to keep The Rant in America, vote for Obama. If he sucks, vote him out in 4 years. But let’s not keep the same policy in for 12 years hoping that it will eventually fix itself because it won’t.

Before I touch this next topic, I want you to watch the video first:

Alright. So time to keep it real. You saw the squad picture. You already know what it is. Jeez, where is it? Haven’t used it in a while. Ah, here we go, found it. Brush off the dust and place it on the table. TIME TO PLAY THE RACE CARD!!! They probably were afraid that she was gonna “Bring It On” and make the other girls look shitty. She prolly was doin a little Beyonce booty pop and the white girls couldn’t so they said all she can is clap (sadly not with her ass cheeks) on the sideline. Bullshit. Talkin bout “what if her pacemaker fails while she at the bottom of the pyramid”. Nigga then you and her family sue the shit out of the pacemaker company! Who dies from a pacemaker goin out? Let alone on the bottom of a pyramid. Do the other girls plan on wearin magnetic skirts so that they can make them go up and down on their own? Seriously, get the fuck outta here SMU and put that hot cheerleader back where she needs to be…Otherwise send her to USC and we can practice her splits.

Leave it to the Mexican to actually toss his kid lmao:






The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Hurry up and buy!!!

No politics today…kinda. Well, ah fuck it. Tis’ the season right? I should be watchin the RNC but I have no cable, and I don’t need to hear anymore lies. Plus, from the excerpts I read from speeches…I think the Republicans are tryin to throw this election. I mean, instead of them tryin to give a compelling reason why a non-Republican should vote for McCain-Palin, they’re speakin more like they are talkin to just follow Republican friends. For instance, Huckabee said this in his speech tonight:” John McCain is a man with the character and stubborn kind of integrity that I want in a president.” Stubborn? Last time we had a stubborn president we were stuck in a war with no exit strategy. Or even better, an excerpt from Mitt Romney’s speech:

” Last week, the Democratic convention talked about change. But what do you think? Is Washington now, liberal or conservative? Let me ask you some questions.
Is a Supreme Court decision liberal or conservative that awards Guantanamo terrorists with constitutional rights? It's liberal.
Is a government liberal or conservative that puts the interests of the teachers union ahead of the needs of our children? It's liberal.
Is a Congress liberal or conservative that stops nuclear power plants and off-shore drilling, making us more and more dependent on Middle Eastern tyrants? It's liberal.
Is government spending, putting aside inflation, liberal or conservative if it doubles since 1980? It's liberal.”

Um Mitt, you do know that McCain (according to most real conservatives) is a very liberal Republican? Where's the change?

Ok, last political news. This is news to me, but some of ya’ll may already know. Mrs. McCain is a pill popper. Wanna know what makes that story worse? She stole pills from a medical-aid charity that she was the head of. Wanna know how we can make this story worse? She used the names of her employees in order to get prescriptions. HAHAHA, this can’t get any worse, right? Just before someone blew the whistle and brought it all to light, Old Johnny made a few phone calls in Washington to cover it all up. When that failed, they worked to make Cindy look like a victim and a stronger woman for battling it. McCain is a politician. He’s been doing it before Alaska was even a state. The man has experience. He is the government that we’ve been using for the past 20 years. He is American politics. Maybe the older generation likes this kinda shit, because they’re used to it. But for us young folk, this shit ain’t gonna fly. If you vote Republican this November, kill yourself.

FUN TIMEEEEEEE!!!

David Spade is the father of a Playboy Playmate’s newborn. That goes to show, that humor is everythin. That’s why I do this blog…I’m hoping some hot model will find me extremely funny and have sex with me.

What do you do when you get cut from a team? Take the bags of the person who took your spot, duh!! It appears that Tatum Bell was cut in the place of Rudi Johnson for the Detroit Lions’ running back position. When Johnson returned to his locker, he found his Gucci bags missin. The bags were eventually returned with all the contents missin. When Bell was questioned, he claimed that he thought it was a parting gift from the Lions, lol.

In other futbol American news (I sometimes speak in Spanish to get all the mamicitas hot), it is rumored that Tony Romo is playin his girlfriend’s new country CD in the locker room and annoyin the shit out of the 300+ lb black men that he calls his offensive line. My suggestion is he cut that shit out immediately before the next hit he listens to takes his breath away (literally). I hope Ms. Simpson stays away from any important games this year….for her sake.

You know your life sucks if Lindsey Lohan is giving you advice. You know the country is in trouble when her advice is the best Palin’s received. She’s prolly the best political advisor on the McCain-Palin ticket. LiLo wrote on her blog today about how parents should talk to their kids about sex, teenage pregnancy, and the risks involved. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Well I guess she would know firsthand, so who better to dish the advice on unprotected sex?

Speakin of sex, Californication star, David Duchvony, has admitted himself in for rehab for an addiction to sex. Hahahaha, what a loser. You make a show about sex and then you become addicted? It’s called acting Dave…you made a show about aliens but you didn’t walk around with tin foil on your head! Maybe that’s why HBO turned down my idea about using real coke during the filming of this season’s Entourage (which starts on SUNDAY BABBBBY!!!)

Like Glengarry Glen Ross?



The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

There's some hoes in this house

And I see them, so let's point them out...

So there is big talk about Ali Lohan (Lindsey’s 14 year old sister). Apparently she had a “accidentally” (See: PR stunt) auditioned with a porn director. She 14, the closest she should be to porn is on her computer, I mean that’s how old I was when I started lookin at it…online, lol. Who am I kiddin; I came out the womb with a Playboy in my hand. But seriously, why the hell is she talkin to porn directors? Isn’t her mom her “manager” and I use that term “loosely” because I think Dina (is that her name?) is only doin it for TV and I “use” the term loosely because that’s what comes to mind when I hear the word Lohan. And “use” is another word I associate with Lohan, as in drug user. Lol. Ali looks like she is 14 going on 25. Nasty, but how else is she suppose to upstage her lesbo sister? Dina, you fuckin up the lives of your girls. Kill yourself.

In other adolescent fuck ups, it seems Miley Cyrus has had more of her private photos “leaked” (See: PR stunt to appeal to a mature audience). I ain’t givin ya’ll the link to see her in her underwear because I think I would be arrested for child porn, lol. This were I split on my debate on actors/athletes being role models for kids. I feel that no famous person should be held to the standard of being a role model, just cuz they famous. They still people, crazy like you and me, and I sure as hell hope I’m not some kid’s role model. BUT, BUT, BUT if what you do is targeted to kids (like your fuckin TV show is on the Disney channel), then you have to be careful with what you do, because those no parent having, hopeless ass kids is gonna emulate you. So Miley, Put yo clothes on and holla at me when you 18 and your body is ripe for the pickin! Where were these hoes when I was in high school??? I was too busy studyin I guess lol.

And even the CW network is gettin in the mix with slutty teens. The new ad for their show Gossip Girl has once again caused everyone to throw a fit about how they are sellin sex to get people to watch their show (See: PR stunt to boost ratings). I don’t really wanna hype the show up, so I won’t be givin ya any links, but you know how to use Google. Or you can read a book, save some brain cells. Or better yet, you can send the link to this blog to all your friends (all 2 of them, who probably read this already lol). Merry Christmas.

Johnny Cupcakes just opened up his LA store. The line was supppa ridiculously long (that’s what she said) and while I’m no cupcake fan (clothin or phone boning, but I’ll fuck with the baked goods); I do respect the design of his clothing line. I mean, it’s better than that Ed Hardy bullshit (which is designed by the same talentless muthafucka who gave us Von Dutch). One thing I like about fashion is that you don’t have to be hot, just exclusive. If you can keep your clothing line catered to a specific group of people, you are money in the bank. NOW, if other people decide to buy your clothes that’s an added bonus. But if the wrong segment buys your clothes just out them in a magazine article (right Timberland? Just like how we built America, we built your company you cocky bitch ass muthafucka!!! WHO ROCKS TIMS???? WE DOOOOO!!!! White people don’t even wear boots; they wear sandals….even in the snow AND I’VE SEEN IT! So FUCK OFF!)

This is what I would like to do to the irresponsible people I just ranted about:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Hey don't sue me: That cupcake is actually a trademarked image of Johnny Cupcakes