Kate & Jon call it quits

It looks like MILF Kate Gosselin will be available for my pleasures soon. Kate and Jon Gosselin have filed for divorce as papers were turned in at a Pennsylvania courtroom. I guess they’ve been married for 10 years but it has finally fallen apart. Great way to end a TV series…in a divorce. I know it’s pretty tough on families with one kid to deal with a divorce but they got 8! Oh snap, maybe Kate will become friends with the Octomom. Maybe they’ll have their own new show! The Crazy Bunch. The theme song will be like the Brady Bunch except they’ll use the word ‘crazy’. That is reality TV GOLD. I’ma pitch it right now.

Usher splits from wife

It appears that Usher Raymond and Tameka Foster have split. Divorce ink has dried and papers have been filed. Wow. This is good news for all those women who still wanna get in his boxer shorts. But this is great news for me because I can say “I told you so.” Granted I expected this marriage to end a lot sooner and result in no kids, Tameka definitely woo’d up Usher properly and is paid for life. She dropped two kids for the boy so that child support check is gonna look pretty right. My speculation for the divorce is that Tameka is still bitter about carryin her team for 6 games and still lost to the Magic. LaBrona has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Not the octomom yet, but she’s workin on it!

Nas and Kelis almost dunzo (again)

This just in, Nas and his wife Kelis are set to divorce. The real shocker is that I guess this isn’t the first time that Kelis has threatened to end it. What’s good about this? Nothin really…I mean Kelis is alright but she’s weird…and everyone says her breath stinks (do all black female celebrities have halitosis?) Hmmm, sad and confusing at the same time. Hopefully they work it out, we need our thuggish hip hop couple!

Hulk is ready to start "cutting everbody's throat"

Looks like the Hulkster is startin to lose his patience with his wife. Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea made a statement in a recent Rolling Stone interview that is pretty bold considerin his pendin divorce. He said:

"You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater [Florida] and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife... .
"I totally understand O.J. I get it,"

Wow. And you know them steroids don’t make you MORE sane. That’s some jacked up shit to have to go through. But you know what? I get it too. I get O.J. and I get the Hulk. I don’t believe in gettin a divorce. We signed up to do this damn thing till death, and I’ma make sure we hold up our ends of the bargain. Seriously tho, he should do what every celebrity does and just find himself a PYT (pretty young thang) to hold him over. I mean, he’s Hulk Hogan. I’m pretty sure his son got a lot of pussy just from being his son. I could only imagine how well the legend himself would do. He’d been doin breaststrokes and pussy strokes alllll day. But first lay off the ‘roids. Don’t need you squeezing the silicone out the titays. Oh and make sure she doesn’t look like your daughter (that was very creepy, Hulkster).

Mel Gibson needs to hire pirates

Hulk needs to take a cue from Mel Gibson who is about to have the most costliest divorce ever. First, Mel already got a new boo, Oksana Pochepa.

Ew, this chick ain’t got no alibi. Mel needs to step up his game. Second, Mel’s worth is totaled to be at $1 billion dollars. Factor in no pre-nup (married before he was famous) and California common law, which states she gets half, and it looks like Ex-Mrs. Gibson will be walkin away with $500 million. That’s a muthafuckin pay day. I need to have my people contact her people…see if I can catch her on the rebound. That’s kinda crazy that he has to give up half a billion to her. I’m not sayin she doesn’t deserve it, because she does. She was by his side for 28 years, popped out 7 kids for him, she’s entitled to half. But that’s still a lot of money to part with. Half a billion. Even after the divorce, that nigga will still be richer than Somalia.

Mel Gibson's wife files for divorce

That racist prick is worth almost a billion dollars? Must be fuckin nice. What really bothers me tho is how nonchalant (wow, did I spell that right on the first try?) Harvey Levin is about the marriage and divorce. Like “eh, they were married for 28 years, that’s pretty good.” “The marriage ran its course.” Like whoa, is that how we look at marriages now? Now I’m not naïve, I know marriages by today’s standards are more like passing events rather than lifelong changes. But it still kinda stings to hear someone dismiss it as such. Like a good parent doesn’t normally tell their child Santa doesn’t exist…you kinda just let them grow out of it. Harvey didn’t give me the chance to grow out of believing in marriages and that sucks. Anyways, I feel bad for the 7 children (neither can claim it was a sex-less marriage lol) that have to deal with this. 28 years? It’s sad that even $900 million won’t fix this. I’m never gettin married, it’s a hopeless belief (except for Jet$on, you two will be just fine…just fine).

No clues for this divorce

CSI star Marg Helgenberger is officially callin it quits with her husband of 19 years, Alan Rosenberg. 19 years??? Dammmmn, that’s a fuckin long time. Normally I would hope for them to get back together because 19 years is a long time to just cast aside…but I have a thing for Marg. I know the broad is 50 but I think she looks good for her age (I think it's the red hair) and I wouldn’t mind lettin her take a sample of my DNA…in her mouth.

Woman wants $53K a week in divorce settlement

Fuck this couple. The both of them. People are struggling to eat while this nigga spends $2K on food a week. What the fuck are you eatin a week that you spend $2K? Do the fish lay their eggs directly in his mouth? Is he eatin unborn lambs and calves while they are still in the womb? How FRESH is this man’s food? And I’m not even gonna get on the chick. I don’t understand why during a divorce it’s ok for someone to maintain their lifestyle after they divorce the person who provided it for them, but if a person loses their job they are forced to cut back. Why can’t I sue the company that laid me off because I’m used to a certain way of living? I HATE divorce laws and I’ma sign a prenup that makes sure she doesn’t get SHIT from me.

Amy Winehouse won't let Blake divorce her

Crack can really mess up your mind. How she gonna say that she loves Blake and she won’t let him divorce her but then confess that she is just havin fun and that the other dude was a holiday thing? This bitch has completely lost it. Can you emasculate a man any more without physically removing his testicles? “I won’t let you divorce me, you’ll sit in jail and endure the stories you hear about me fuckin off other chaps.” Whoa. Not only should Blake divorce her but he should escape jail, whup her ass, and then return to his cell. He’s already doing time for assault, what’s another couple years?

Amy Winehouse's husband files for divorce

But you know not everythin lasts forever. That bein said, Amy Wine-o’s hubby is filing for divorce while behind bars. Substituting the glass dick for a real one has finally taken its toll on Blake Fielder-Civil. That and hearin all the rumors about his wife fuckin everyone that will get her high and her recent interview sayin she doesn’t feel married right now. Talk about a ride or die bitch…Amy claims that Blake isn’t good for her because their relationship was drug fueled. But the nigga has been in jail for a min and she still crackin off. How she gonna blame him? She just wants dick on a regular basis. That’s what crack does to your body, makes you a sex animal. People think that the drugs is what causes the weight loss, but it’s really the incredible amounts of sex you have per day that burns off the fat.

Marco and J-Lo are dunzo! (I DEED IT)

J-Lo and Marc Anthony may soon be callin it quits. There are reports of Jenny from the block showin up to events without her hubby and without her wedding ring. No surprise to me at all. I knew she married him because she wanted babies, IMMEDIATELY. Her clock wasn’t just tickin, but the snooze button on the alarm was broke so it was ringing all day and night. The only reason J-Lo didn’t marry me is cuz I was still in my thuggish days and I reminded her of G-Dep which reminded her of Diddy. She didn’t wanna deal with that mess again. But damn her ass is fat. Ahem. Um where was I…o yea. He’s Catholic, she’s Scientology. She’s successful, he’s not. She’s thick, he’s skeletal. Surprised that ass didn’t break his penis off.