Angelina Jolie talks in Time

Did ya’ll know that St. Jolie wrote an article in Time magazine to present the case against Sudanese President Omar al Bashir (he’s on trial for war crimes and crimes against humanity)? Is there anythin that the lady doesn’t do right? I’m pretty sure that she has the worst smellin shit in the world. Seriously, like there has to be somethin totally awful about her. And don’t come with that “she stole Brad” bullshit because if Jen wasn’t such a wimp then Brad wouldn’t have left. If Brad cheated (which I doubt he did) then at least it was with an upgrade and not some regular bozo that looks half as good as the spouse. Anyways, you can read Angie’s article here (it’s a short good read to increase your awareness of the world you live in).

John Mayer is lame

Ryan Seacrest is a sneaky dude…or Jen thinks she is the Queen B in Hollywood. Mayer (yea, Jen’s boo) called in to pretty much discuss his relationship with Jen on air with Ryan. I don’t want to get into the details because they weren’t juicy tidbits like “Jen loves when I tickle her with the feathers” or “she rocks these killer 9 inch heels”. It was more along the lines of a loser boy musician gushin over his girlfriend. Which is cool, if you’re a loser boy musician or if the woman you gush over is your wife. I guess Aniston and Seacrest have had the last laugh in the fight against Brange (I reaaaalllly didn’t wanna start callin them that, but it really is easier than just typin out both their names. Don’t hate me. Please?). However my money is still on the Hollywood power couple. They’ll prolly go to N. Korea tomorrow and get rid of Kim and liberate the entire country, then come back to the States and get rid of the deficit, all before Pax and Maddox get home from school. EAT THAT Maniston (is that what they’re called? I’m so new to this. Maniston, lmao, that’s funny).

Brad and Ang anger the idiots

This is the type of journalism we have at the New York Post? I knew it was bad in the cartoon department but sheesh, I didn’t know everyone else there was ignorant. I’m gonna defend Brad and Ang on this because I like them. I think they are one of the best Hollywood actors and couples out there. I want them to be smug, I don’t want them to answer stupid questions about “What Jennifer [Aniston] is wearing” or about who designed their outfits. They don’t want their words to be taken and misconstrued for the tabloids to run with. I’m glad they’ve turned into “Mr. and Mrs. Ordinary” (kinda ironic, they are ordinary yet smug and put up on a pedestal? Good observation fatty (lol, that was mean but I’m annoyed) ) because they have 6 kids and they need to set a good example for them. They don’t need to be makin out on the red carpet or kissin siblings or any of the crazy things Angie used to do (thank you Brad for taming her lol). But leave it to lame journalist who can’t properly do their jobs to get upset when Brad and Ang don’t give us much to talk about…and they still talk about them. I wasn’t gonna boycott the NY Post over the monkey shit, but I think I may be crossin that bridge now.

Good dressing celebs

Maria Menounos’ outfit is pretty tight. The makeup and dress is a good combo, but she coulda got some better shoes. Angie is look pretty as usual, here in Tokyo promotin someone’s movie. And Kim and Kourtney Kardashian bein bums and showin up to events because that’s their occupation. To show up. At events. That’s it. Life is good for some.

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Angelina Jolie has a Japanese butt

I’ve never seen an ass look so bony and terrible in my life. Angie Angie Angie. You know you’re my favorite. Why would you come out lookin like this?

Someone please explain what is goin on with her ass? I know she doesn’t really have one to begin with, but this looks disturbing. Is she tryin to smuggle Japanese twins out of an orphanage again?

The Jolie-Pitts take over Tokyo

Disclaimer: There is about to be an extreme boost of estrogen. Look at Shiloh!!! What is she? Like 2, 3 years old? So cute. So are the newbies Knox and Vivienne. But the whole clan is here together in Tokyo doin the damn thing. I don’t want a fam that big, but jeez it looks fun (when they aren’t all cryin). Ahem, back to our normally scheduled program already in progress.

Ang and Brad at a Berlin premiere

This is how a couple go from being in power to being the stupidest looking in 10 seconds flat. Seriously, is Brad rockin a table cloth for a scarf? Is he housing Katrina victims in it? And Angie hair is not doin it. It has to be a (terrible) wig cuz look at her later on that night. You don’t grow ponytails that quick. They need to hurry up outta Berlin, it’s hurtin they fashion sense. Side note, doesn’t Ang look so frail in the last pic? Have you ever just wished for someone to just eat? Isn’t she done makin movies? She has enough money. Just retire and eat a fatburger. I know I know, Brad took those “natural” pictures of Angie eatin a burger…I need video. With her swallowing. The burger. Sicko.

German for hot

Fiery knife throwin temper, ex druggie, ex bi-sexual, ex tri-sexual, Billy Bob Thorton’s ex or not, I would take Brad Pitt’s place in a heartbeat. Actually, not so quickly. The lack of ass would eventually cause me to stray and then I’d end up on the 10 o’clock news: Jolie’s missing husband has been found, hacked up in the woods behind their home. But it’s really temptin to dance with the devil.

Mommy Jolie

Look at Angie, lookin all happy and healthy. Yeah she lost the baby weight, but NOT ALL OF IT. Is that a little ‘mom’ pudge I see growin on Mrs. Jolie? Prolly not. But let's make believe.

Somewhere in the world, Michael Jackson is rubbin his hands...

Angie is pregnant again. Or maybe not. But when the rep issues a “not true” statement, it’s usually true. When things aren’t true, nobody cares. But when things are true but are found out too early, someone has to deny it. If they have another kid, I’m gonna cut my balls off. Seriously. What the fuck is this? The 1940s? Are they gonna go live on a farm and use the kids as help? If you wanna have a big family that’s fine, but goodness, stay out of the damn spotlight. I don’t wanna read about your 17th child.

I would kung pao her kitty

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More Angie candids

So remember how Brad took some pics of Angie? Well there are some NSFW ones here

A sedated Jolie

Brad took some pics of Angelina and sold them and here some of them are. My favorite are the eating pic (which goes to show, NOBODY looks good takin a pic mid bite) and the breastfeeding one (no, not because of that you perv. Because she still looks like a sane mother, but it’s always the ones that LOOK sane….). W has the rest of the pics and the article.

Don't "forget" them in the car with the windows up

Power couple Jolie-Pitt seem to be havin some trouble on the home front. According to tabloids, Brad is sendin Ang to a therapist to help with her post partum depression. I really feel bad for Brad. Here he thought that he was getting involved with a real actress (not some TV star) with a good heart and an interest in saving the world. And all he got was a dressed up ex druggie with daddy issues. Jolie is truly an actress, lol. Nah, let me stop. I do like Angie, but the chick is wylin with all them kids. Tryin to start her United Nations gang. Looks good on paper and even in the movies (Cheaper By The Dozen 1 and 2), but in real life, that shit will break you down. Most people have a tough time takin care of one kid with a normal job. This chick is a movie star that shoots in different locals and has an army of babies with her. Superwoman she is not. I hope her health picks up. Last thing I wanna see is them two get divorced.

My neighbors are crazy

Everybody loves Kung Fu fighting….them cats is fast as lighting. Hi-YA! Been watchin some old school kung fu flicks…you know, the ones with the bad dubbing. I think Tarantino needs to make a movie like that. And you know he’d do it justice. It would be done on that old school film, with bad dubbing and terrible editing. Lol. I’m supposed to be headin to a Heineken party tonight, so I’m just bullshittin now because I’ll be too tired later.

So it looks like Angie (Jolie) is ready to adopt another kid. Wow, really? Like really Ang? You not even gonna breast feed the twins first before you go adopt another kid? O I forgot, you have hired breasts that will feed your kids. She needs to keep all her nutrition to herself before she faints again with her frail ass. I think the woman is spoiled. She doesn’t have natural births, she doesn’t change all they diapers. She doesn’t have to play horsey for all of them at once. That what Brad and the help is for. I wonder what Brad is thinkin? He left Aniston because she ain’t want kids, and now look what he got himself into. At some point even he has to say enough, let’s deal with the ones we got. But I ain’t mad at Ang, she’s just building her little army which will be 50 kids deep before she dies. Could you imagine 50 kids running around with the Jolie-Pitt last name? Talk about watered down legacy lol.

So there is this obese man on death row, who feels due to being a fat ass he should be put to death. He’s too big for an electric chair, and it would be hard to find veins in his blubber. I say put him on a treadmill till his heart explodes lmao. Fuck him. You know why he’s on death row? For raping and murdering two young women in 1986. I hate the interpretation of the Constitution sometimes. Cruel and Unusual punishment would be making him go on a diet. He would dread that. A bullet in the head? That seems fine to me. Make him everyone’s bitch for a week then shoot him? Even better. If you guilty (and I mean the “yea I did it, and I enjoyed hearing the screams” type guilty), then fuck any fair treatment. You are no longer a citizen of society; you should not be protected by the Bill Of Rights. You’re a monster, and should be treated like one. Hmmm maybe we can find a loop hole here.

Other monsters in the news, a pastor is found guilty of murdering a man and spending his wealth. I don’t really have much to say, Fresh Prince, what do you think?

My thoughts exactly. Same goes with the Texas man who had kids as young as five takin part in swinger events. Sigh, who do I shoot first? I guess the Texas man, but what the fuck kinda sickos go to a swinger party like this. I woulda been like “Umm, ‘scuse me, I don’t mean to be a downer, but am I the only one that noticed that these girls have no tits and no stubble? I mean, I’m only 5’9” but I’m pretty sure these girls can suck my dick standing up. We gots to go!” Now if I was in the Philippines, this would be normal because Asian women tend to be shorter. All the years of workin in a sweatshop stunts their growth. Proven fact, Wikipedia it, lmao. Nah but seriously, how? Yuck.

Woman in Inglewood sues the city and Police Department for killin her baby. Granted her baby was 19 years old and holdin a gun (aimed at the cops according to the police), I used the phrase “killin her baby” because that is how all mothers in LA talk when their child has been killed, whether the nigga was 5 or 55. Now this is gonna be a case of "Cops says, they says" in which the court will side with the cops. But if that dude was really holdin a gun and aimed at the cops, what the fuck was he thinkin? Cops will shoot you for reachin for yo wallet!!!! A gun? A gun? If she’s gonna sue the city it should be for Assisted Suicide because that’s obviously the case here lol.

Here is a dosage of crazy for you:

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!

Hey Don't Sue Me: That image of the Fresh Prince belongs to NBC, who is owned by GE. Yea that's right, the same people that power your TV put the shows on it too!! That's a company.

Bad plumbing

So this past weekend was my birthday and I learned that: A) Birthday wishes are the best when they come from people you didn’t know still had your phone number (or as a friend on FB) and that B) Thai food makes me shit. VIOLENTLY. Lmao, now that I’ve grossed you out, on with the show!!

Pussycat Dolls have a When I Grow Up Remix, with Diddy, Wayne and beat maker (now rapper??) DarkChild. I secretly like the original song because that beat is hot and so are the girls, but I couldn’t figure out a way to put it on my iPod and blast it in my whip and drive thru West Hollywood without being deflowered by the Village People lol. On this remix, the girls don’t even sing, they just are in the background. And the remix beat is a little better too!! Best part has to be Diddy’s verse when he’s like “ Now I could have Ma$e come to ya wake as I kill ya’ll slow/ Wanna another remix? Here I go/ There’s only one Puff Daddy, yea I know/ And yea I don’t write nothin, but yea I flow” LMAO. Big ups to Diddy to not being ashamed of using ghost writers. Now if other rappers would do the same (the rapper I’m thinkin about, his name also rhymes with same lol). I also heard the Put On Remix with Jigga man. Much better than the original only because of Jay’s verses. I think that’s how the song shoulda been constructed, with who/what they put on instead of the crap Jeezy spits. The best part of the song is when he asks Guru to give him that T-Pain….lol, just listen.

People magazine has released the first pictures of Vivienne & Knox. Who are they you may ask? Well they are Brad and Angelina’s new twins of course. I would post pics of the People Magazine cover but since they paid over 14 million for the pics, I think it would be a safer bet to just link there instead of typin Hey Don’t Sue Me at the bottom lol. Those kids are lucky, so lucky that I hate on them in their infancy. I hope they ugly when they get older, which is pretty much impossible since their parents are Brad and Angelina. And I can’t expect them to grow up racist or become bigots because they older siblings are Asian and Black. They don't even have the weird first names that celebrities give their kids like Apple or Osteoporosis. Maybe they’ll develop a coke habit and spend all their parents’ money on bullshit. Nah but seriously, I love the Jolie-Pitts too much to hate, I mean they donating the money for the pics to some charitable cause as usual. Kudos to the newly expanded army.

Brett Favre is unretired which to me is kinda silly. Granted he almost made the Super Bowl last year, and had his best season ever, I think he should walk away while he can still walk. I mean old man Favre should be using a walker right now, lol. But seriously, Jay-Z came back…that sucked. MJ came back, and that sucked BUT in his defense he was so great that he had to retire twice before he sucked lol. I guess the difference is, Favre hasn’t taken any time off. I mean he announced his retirement during the off season, and now it’s on season and he is feelin the itch. Some argue, that football is all he knows so of course he would want to come back. That’s bullshit to me. Up until age 22, school was all I knew but I retired from that muthafucka and haven’t looked back yet!!! Fuck a master’s lmao. Then again, I am writing blogs….maybe I should unretire from school lol. I do hope if he comes back, he’ll be able to walk off the field at the end of this season, because I don’t know how much gas Old Man Favre really has left in his tank.

Dark Knight is still killin it in the box office. It has made $394.9 million in 17 days. In order to keep Christian Bale in the headlines, studio executives have been asking Bale’s female cousins and nieces to come forward and ask for money lol. I still plan on seein it again in IMAX soon, maybe this week. I would like a moment of silence for my Movie Critic Partner: Jetson, who hasn't seen this movie yet because he can't find any "me time" due to his newborn son. He found some "me time" when it was time to play GTA4, but can't find anytime to see the MOVIE OF THE YEAR!! SMH at him and the 2 other people I've met that haven't seen this movie.

Here is a freestyle from the self proclaimed Greatest Rapper Alive...I guess this is why hip hop is dead lol:

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!!