Transformers sex scene - kinda NSFW

Wow, what a slow day…

The Rant's ideas to increase car sales

With the American auto industry goin the way of the dinosaurs, the Federal government has stepped in to work with car markers on ways to incentivize (that’s spelled right? I was waitin on Word to red flag it) customers into showrooms. Programs such as the “cash for clunkers” which will “give a cash bonus - perhaps $3,000 to $5,000 to people who trade in older gas guzzlers when they buy more fuel efficient new cars. The cars that are turned in would then be junked rather than sold as used cars.” Why didn’t they call it “cash for trash”? That sounds cooler. Also the feds plan on backin any warranty on any new car purchased (just in case the company goes bankrupt. Good call, glad I thought of that). And the now famous, “we’ll make your payments for you” program, just in case you lose your job after buyin a new car. I think those programs are fine and dandy but I’ve come up with a couple of my own incentives. One is “Service with a smile”, which basically means whenever you come in and get your car serviced, you get serviced too! So if you comin in for like tire rotations, then you’d get like a handjob. Or if you gettin your oil changed, a blow job. For major repairs, sex IS on the menu. Lol. For southern dealerships and dealerships near Negros, you could offer deafening sound systems and 25” rims that match the candy colored paint of the car (Chevy dealerships won’t be able to keep up with the demand, I PROMISE!). GM is offerin free OnStar for a year, but how about for AARP members a year’s supply of Depends or custom fit the car with an oxygen tank! Wow, that’s just what we need. Old drivers with a highly combustible gas strapped to their mobile death beds. Wow. Great idea Tenant, great idea.

Foreplay - it's not just for women

Do girls not enjoy foreplay? No no, I know they enjoy it when they are the center of attention but do they really think sex is all about them? Does the common stereotype that guys are always thinkin about sex (which is true) make them believe they can take the backseat when it’s time to get hot and bothered? I think only about 2 girls have found my “spots”…that’s because the rest of them are just sittin back and enjoying the performance. It’s very annoyin. Some girls won’t even grab the dick until you put their hand on it. Like she doesn’t know that he is the main star of the show. No star performs without some prep first, so what makes this situation any different? Because I’m a guy and I’m “always ready to have sex?” Nonsense. I can see why some guys cheat or jump from girl to girl. I’m not excusing cheating guys or anything, because I’d never wife up a chick that sucked at seduction. But that’s me, I’m not the desperate type and I don’t “need” someone in my life to feel complete. Ladies you gotta do something. Strip tease, ride well, give great head, talk dirty, SOMETHING! You don’t have to do ALL the things I listed, that would make you a whore (I kid, I kid, I kid. Your guy loves you for it). But then again I am a special case…my mind has been ruined by porn. I need heels, stockings, and a public place lmao.

Sex Ed in college?

You know, I gotta rock with the politicians on this one. First off, it’s bad enough we have useless majors like photography and body painting and all those other liberal art ones, lol. If the school has unlimited funds and has excess money then sure, hire someone (not multiple professors) to teach sexuality in society and its history. That one person can cover oral sex, prostitution, and “queer theory”. Secondly, if you gonna have someone teach a course about oral sex, at least get someone that looks credible. That professor doesn’t look like she’s touch a dick in years. Hire women like Jenna Jameson, Kayla Synz…hell, call up Nina Hartley. Same goes with male prostitution. I want a former gigolo teachin that class, not some 50 year old stiff (pardon the pun) who ain’t been pimpin since pimpin was pimpin.

7 day sex marathon

A pastor PROMOTING sex? Sign me up. And I already know I’m goin to Hell (I got first class seats on Air Hell) so I might as well put this out there. Yes his wife is hot, and yes I think she’s a freak. And if you agreed, laughed, or continue to read this blog you will be in the seat next to me. I don’t agree with his views on pornography and how it makes people objectify sex. I have a deep connection with every cum dumpster I sleep with.

Now in HD...

Yay hump day…so glad this year is almost over, lol. Yea I’m getting ahead of myself. But so what, I can do anything I want on my blog. Still getting calls if I’m alive, lol, with the last one coming from my mom followed by my dad. Thanks guys, glad to know that you are still concerned for my safety….goodness.

Speakin of bad parenting….where the hell is Hayden Panettiere’s folks? Do they know their 18 year old daughter is dating her 31 year old Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia? I mean, this is old news to most of us, but there is a (mostly untrue) rumor that she gave him a striptease for his birthday which reminded me of my recent trip to the Philippines. The best part of my trip where we went to a strip club. It was weird, all the girls only had A cups and cleanly shaven….um. Wait. They were legal, I swear. I don’t read Filipino….lol. But anyways, Milo, find girls your age. You are handsome, no homo, and rich-ish and famous-ish. So leave Hayden for guys closer to her age group, like me! To think they took their relationship public right after she turned 18…meaning he was courting her when she was 17???? Sicko.

While we are on the dating and sex topic, I’d like to direct ya’ll to my sister site (well, they really aren’t my sister site, but I know the girls and they black, so maybe it’s my sistah site lol) Expressions of a Buppie. What the hell is a Buppie you might ask? I don’t know, but I don't like the sound of it. “Shut yo Buppie ass up”. “Whatcha lookin at Buppie?!?” “This Buppie tried to roll up on me the other day; I had to flash the nine on that Buppie muthafucka” See? Lol. Nah but seriously, they are some insightful women. The one post that caught my eye was about Cookies and how men are like the cookie monster and women are like Girl Scouts. Hilarious.

I can’t believe that it has taken me over 5 months to get my oxygen sensor for my car replaced. I swear there are no good mechanics in LA. And you’d think with the over 2 million cars on the road, that SOMEBODY would know how the fuck to work on cars. I've spent more money with these buppies than if I had just went to the dealership. And now, I'm forced to go to the dealership so I can put this all behind me.

Katherine Heigl, I don’t like that bitch. A) I think she got Isaiah Washington kicked off Grey’s Anatomy by being too vocal and playin the victim. Like she was a scared white woman working with a black gorilla. B) Then she gonna talk shit about the movie that put her talentless ass on the map. For her to call out Knocked Up as too sexist and making women look dumb was unnecessary. That’s like a girl stripping her way through college, and then she gets a degree and says all strip clubs should be shut down. C) She gonna decline her Emmy nomination because she felt the writers of the show didn’t fill out her role. D) On top of that she asked for a higher salary. A) Isaiah Washington may be black, but he ain’t no gorilla. I’ll show you King Kong if you get me fired up. B) You think Knocked Up is sexist and makes women look dumb? Ask Ray Romano if every married man is as helpless, spineless, and who can’t function without their wife type of man as he portrayed in his long running TV show? C) You want more character development? Start by doing less movies and focus on your TV career. D) Become a high caliber actress. The only good thing going for Kat is that she didn’t marry a more successful, more talented actor for a husband (I’m lookin at you Ms. Aniston, but when you done with John, holla at me lol)

The video that I was gonna put with this post has been removed from YouTube, but you can still see it on adultswim. (It's NSFW so you may wanna watch it at home or with headphones)

The Rant Is Due Muthafucka!!

Hey don't sue me: I got the pic of the Ice Princess from www.thehollywoodgossip.com